Trainspotting
Nine days ago this foreign-shores guy listed the 10 greatest speeches and monologues, and every last one was an AFI cliche that nobody wants to be reminded of ever again.
He even gets the Trainspotting speech wrong, which he excerpts as follows: “Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends… Choose your future. Choose life.”
That’s okay, but nowhere near as good as the rant that plays at the very end, to wit:
“So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I’m a bad person, but that’s going to change, I’m going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life. I’m looking forward to it already. I’m going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure-wear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.”
Ahh, if they are the AFI go-to speeches then they must have included Mikey’s “it’s our time, it’s our time down HERE.” epic from The Goonies.
” ‘I don’t know where I’ll be, Doc,’ he said. ‘But I won’t smell too good, that’s for sure.’ ”
Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.
Wow, I didn’t think I’d agree with you about the cliche part – but, well, bravo.
I’m surprised he left out Costner’s speech in Bull Durham and James Earl Jones’ in Field of Dreams. Those are about the only cliches he missed.
I’ve been around this block twice looking for something . . . a clue. I’ve been looking for clues and something led me back here . . . yeah . . . so here I am. Coulda been me who was at Ringo’s place when the shit went down……Hey…I know how it is…’cause I been there…… we’ve all done bad things….We all have those guilty feelings in our hearts…you wanna take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean…well no. But I’m gonna help you settle this…First we’re gonna check for holes, see what we can find…then we’re gonna get nice and wet…so you’re gonna spread your legs…(beat) That’s good…so you know me, you know my reputation? Thirteen inches is a tough load, I don’t treat you gently. That’s right: I’m Brock Landers. So I’m gonna be nice and I’m gonna ask you one more time……Where the fuck is Ringo?
“You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here’s my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.”
Eddie said:
“” ‘I don’t know where I’ll be, Doc,’ he said. ‘But I won’t smell too good, that’s for sure.’ ”
Niiice. How ever did you pick just one line? It’s tempting to paste the whole damned screenplay (okay, minus visual gags).
“I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker’s got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!”
So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd.
And for what? For a little bit of money. There’s more to life than a little money, you know. Don’t you know that?
And here ya are, and it’s a beautiful day. Well, I just don’t understand it.
Ned Beatty has the better speech in Network, and Baldwin in Glengary beats Douglas’s greed speech.
“Way out west there was this fella I wanna tell ya about…goes by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least that was the handle his lovin’
parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. See, this Lebowski, he called himself “The Dude”. Now “Dude” – there’s a name no man would self apply where I come from, but then there was a lot about the Dude that didn’t make a whole lot of sense and a lot about where he lived likewise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found the place so darned innerestin’. See, they call Los Ang-glus the City Of Angels, but I didn’t find it to be that exactly. But I’ll allow it as there are some nice folks there. Course I ain’t never been to London, and I ain’t never seen France. And I ain’t never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I’ll tell you what: after seeing Los Angeles and this here story I’m about to unfold…well…I guess I seen somethin’ every bit as stoop-a-fyin’ as you’d see in any of them other places…and in English too. So I can die with a smile on my face without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me.
“Now this here story I’m about to unfold took place in the early ’90s…just about the time of our conflict with Sad-um and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there’s a man… I won’t say a hero ’cause what’s a hero? Sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Dude here…the Dude from Los Angeles. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Dude. The Dude…from Los Angeles. And even if he’s a lazy man…and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in all of Los Ang-glus County which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. Sometimes there’s a man…sometimes there’s a man. Well, I lost my train of thought here. But…aw hell. I’ve done introduced it enough.”
Braveheart was a lame call – it’s just third-generation Henry V.
And I dunno if it’s all-time great but Tim Blake Nelson’s corruption speech in Syriana deserves mention alongside the Wall Street speech.
Hell, yeah, on Boogie Nights, Say Anything, & Trainspotting. I’ll try to think of a good one to post here…
If he were choosing a Samuel L. Jackson one from Pulp Fiction, he should have taken the one he delivers to Tim Roth at the end – not the misquoted Bible verse.
Blake: FUCK YOU, that’s my name!! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!! (to Levene) And your name is “you’re wanting.” And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots?
(beat)
A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention — do I have your attention? Interest — are you interested? I know you are because it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision — have you made your decision for Christ?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the prospects comin’ in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn’t walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?
“When I say impotent, I don’t mean merely limp. Disagreeable as it may be for a woman, a man may sometimes lust for other things, something
less transient than an erection, some sense of permanent worth. That’s what medicine was for me, my reason for being. When I was thirty-four, Miss Drummond, I presented a paper before the annual convention of the Society of Clinical Investigation that pioneered the whole goddam field of immunology. A breakthrough! I’m in all the textbooks. I happen to be an eminent man, Miss Drummond.
And you want to know something, Miss Drummond? I don’t give a goddam.
When I say I’m impotent, I mean I’ve lost even my desire for work, which is a hell of a lot more primal a passion than sex. I’ve lost my raison
d’etre, my purpose, the only thing I ever truly loved. It’s all rubbish anyway. Transplants, antibodies, we manufacture genes, we can produce birth ectogenetically, we can practically clone people like carrots, and half the kids in this ghetto haven’t even been inoculated for polio! We have assembled the most enormous medical establishment ever conceived, and people are sicker than ever!
We cure nothing! We heal nothing! The whole goddam wretched world is strangulating in front of our eyes! That’s what I mean when I say impotent!
You don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, do you?”
“Money, well shit everyone needs money, thats why they call it money.”
Danny Devito – The Heist…another great line from mamet…
…another Baldwin classic whack-off to himself:
I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis_, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn’t like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.
…or another great ‘Lebowski’ riff…
Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors… and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and… up to… Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
The funny thing to me about Walter’s eulogy is that even though it makes no sense, it’s actually kind of sweet in a weird Walter kind of way.
“God damn you Walter! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the fuck has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?”
Yeah sorry, I could quote all day. I’ll stop now.
“Way out west there was this fella I wanna tell ya about…goes by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least that was the handle his lovin’
parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. See, this Lebowski, he called himself “The Dude”. Now “Dude” – there’s a name no man would self apply where I come from, but then there was a lot about the Dude that didn’t make a whole lot of sense and a lot about where he lived likewise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found the place so darned innerestin’. See, they call Los Ang-glus the City Of Angels, but I didn’t find it to be that exactly. But I’ll allow it as there are some nice folks there. Course I ain’t never been to London, and I ain’t never seen France. And I ain’t never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I’ll tell you what: after seeing Los Angeles and this here story I’m about to unfold…well…I guess I seen somethin’ every bit as stoop-a-fyin’ as you’d see in any of them other places…and in English too. So I can die with a smile on my face without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me.
“Now this here story I’m about to unfold took place in the early ’90s…just about the time of our conflict with Sad-um and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there’s a man… I won’t say a hero ’cause what’s a hero? Sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Dude here…the Dude from Los Angeles. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Dude. The Dude…from Los Angeles. And even if he’s a lazy man…and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in all of Los Ang-glus County which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. Sometimes there’s a man…sometimes there’s a man. Well, I lost my train of thought here. But…aw hell. I’ve done introduced it enough.”
…another Baldwin classic whack-off to himself:
I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis_, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn’t like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.
…or another great ‘Lebowski’ riff…
Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors… and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and… up to… Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
The funny thing to me about Walter’s eulogy is that even though it makes no sense, it’s actually kind of sweet in a weird Walter kind of way.
“God damn you Walter! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the fuck has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?”
Yeah sorry, I could quote all day. I’ll stop now.
I’m late with this, and no one will probably ever see it, but since no one bothered to post the greatest film monologue ever, I thought I would…
“Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin’ back from the island of Tinian to Leyte… just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn’t see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that when you’re in the water, Chief? You tell by looking from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn’t know, was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin’, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like old squares in a battle like you see in the calendar like “The Battle of Waterloo” and the idea was: shark comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’ and sometimes the shark go away…sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. You know, the thing about a shark… he’s got… lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be living… until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and they… rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don’t know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I don’t know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain’s mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he’d been bitten in half below the waist. Noon, the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He swung in low and he saw us… he was a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and he come in low and three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened… waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out. The sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.”
“Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin’ back from the island of Tinian to Leyte… just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn’t see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that when you’re in the water, Chief? You tell by looking from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn’t know, was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin’, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like old squares in a battle like you see in the calendar like “The Battle of Waterloo” and the idea was: shark comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’ and sometimes the shark go away…sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. You know, the thing about a shark… he’s got… lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be living… until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and they… rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don’t know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I don’t know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain’s mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he’d been bitten in half below the waist. Noon, the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He swung in low and he saw us… he was a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and he come in low and three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened… waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out. The sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.”
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