Saints Protect Us

If it’s a Kate Hudson movie, there’s a good chance it’s going to be shallow, retard-formulaic and repulsively chick-flicky. (As I explained in a 9.22 piece called “Lady Has No Taste.”) Make that an excellent chance. I’m sorry but that’s the bed she’s made. So the uh-oh vibe that emanates from the trailer for Bride Wars (Fox 2000, 1.9.09), her latest, is no surprise.

This, clearly, is just what the world needs now — a glossy girly-girl catfight comedy about duelling weddings at the Plaza condo-mart. The bottom has truly fallen out of empty subject matter for the under-30 female movie market. As a species they have no soul, nothing inside of any substance, nothing that looks inward or beyond the ADD ego-cravings of the moment.
Worse, Bride Wars has Candace Bergen playing the wedding planner. Good God.
The director is Gary Winick, the indie-world director-producer whose winning, nicely written Tadpole was the toast of Sundance ’02. By the Tadpole standard, Bride Wars — or the movie that the trailer seems to be selling — appears to be a straight hold-your-nose paycheck gig for the poor guy. Down in the saltmines with a hard hat and a pick-axe. I suppose we all have to bend over from time to time so we can make our accountants happy.
And what’s with Bride Wars costar Anne Hathaway making three wedding movies in a compressed time span — Rachel Getting Married, Bride Wars and The Fiance? As MTV.com’s Elizabeth Rappe wrote this morning, “If I was in the gossip magazines every other week thanks to my (possibly) criminal ex-boyfriend, I would run as far away from romantic comedy scripts as I could. But she’s boldly signing on to anything involving the highs and lows of romance. Maybe it’s her form of therapy.”

  • Josh Massey

    I don’t know anything about The Fiance, but let’s point out the obvious: Hathaway signed on for Rachel Getting Married and Bride Wars before her ex-boyfriend was known to be a criminal.
    And by saying “the bottom has truly fallen out of empty subject matter for the under-30 female movie market,” I’m not sure which glorious rom-com heyday you’re referring to. They’re the same flicks they’ve always been, with only the super-rare ones achieving any immortality.

  • actionman

    I am very much looking forward to seeing Rachel Getting Married (plan on seeing it Friday) but Hathaway has never done anything for me as an actress. She scored some points when she took her top off in Brokeback but other than that, I have never been impressed with her.
    Bride Wars looks truly awful. I cannot stand Kate Hudson; the epitome of talentless Hollywood garbage. Look up the word nepotism in the dictionary and notice the picture of Hudson. She sucks.

  • Rich S.

    I think it’s sweet of Anne Hathaway to squander whatever career momentum she currently has to do Kate a solid. Maybe she can help out Dane Cook next.

  • corey3rd

    Bride Wars will be on the Lifetime and Oxygen Channels ever weekend starting next year. They might also air it on Lifestyle with Bridezilla episode bookend.
    This is purely made for cable cash.

  • LuckyWilbury

    Speaking of shallow, does anybody else here
    wonder why Jeff has yet to comment on
    Roger Ebert’s bizarre thumbs down last
    week to a movie he’d only seen eight minutes
    of?
    Ebert has since realized the error of his ways,
    but normally Jeff would be all over something
    like this.

  • 115thDreamer

    Yep, she’s been in a rut for so long now, you wonder if it’s even possible for her to get out of it. She was so wonderful in “Almost Famous”, but that’s been, my God, eight years ago. A check of her upcoming projects on IMDB does show some more serious parts coming up, so maybe she is trying.

  • Rich S.

    Actually, that Ebert debacle would make a fun game. “Roger Ebert’s Reviews of Famous Movies He Walked Out of after 8 Minutes.”
    Psycho: Routine melodrama about a young couple embezzling money to elope. No real surprises.
    Planet of the Apes: Bizarre film about some astronauts crash landing in the desert. No apes to be found.
    And so on.

  • Howlingman

    If Sarah Polley hadn’t dropped out of AF, Kate wouldn’t have a career.

  • actionman

    She was BEYOND phony in Almost Famous. She came close to ruining the entire film for me. She has no clue how to act. Her line readings were dreadful in Almost Famous; painfully amateurish.

  • actionman

    Ebert has seen like 65,786 movies throughout his career. He’s earned the right to watch something for only 8 mins and then trash it. And it doesn’t sound like he’s alone in his disregard for the film in question.
    Ebert has more movie passion than any critic writing today. You can see it in everything he writes, including his review of Tru Loved.

  • AndrewOwens

    Romantic comedies are for female stars what action movies are for male stars. It’s a straightforward way of establishing some box office bona fides and earning their quote. Still, while I can forgive Hathaway, who has not yet made a habit of this, I’m afraid Hudson is now beyond redemption; having done nothing but this kinda crap for so long.
    Interestingly The Fiance also has a former indie director – the guy who did Igby Goes Down. Maybe these guys can elevate the material beyond the usual usual.

  • BurmaShave

    I’m glad Ebert still has some venom in him. His over abundance of 4 stars lately have been pretty hard to take. I was reading through some of his old reviews, he used to be a lot more brutal. I was just reading his take on GARDENS OF STONE (a family favorite because it was filmed here in DC and my mother’s 1967 Plymouth Barracuda appears in it briefly), he gave it a pretty fair 2 1/2 stars. Today I’m almost positive he’d give that movie a rave.

  • thevisceral

    Kate Hudson is taking work away from Tara Reid and that’s just plain wrong.

  • http://www.lytrules.com Luke Y. Thompson

    Never mind Kate Hudson…if it’s a “comedy” opening in January it will most certainly be at least 95% laugh-free, half-assed, and #1 at the box office that weekend regardless.

  • berkguru

    I wish it were legal to decapitate Kate Hudson.
    Anne Hathaway is a genuine talent though.

  • TVMCCA

    actionman wrote:
    She was BEYOND phony in Almost Famous. She came close to ruining the entire film for me. She has no clue how to act. Her line readings were dreadful in Almost Famous; painfully amateurish.
    I so liked Fairuza Balk’s performance in ALMOST FAMOUS. Wish she had been playing Kate’s part.

  • Sabina E

    Kate Hudson is such a huge embarrasment and disgrace to her mom’s legacy.
    @TVMCAA: ditto on Fairuza Balk. LOVE her. why are all the crappy blonde actresses always overrated and getting big roles while talented actresses like her are being pushed aside?

  • great scott

    It’s awful for Hathaway that this thing is coming out in the middle of Oscar season. Can you say Norbit?

  • calraigh

    Why do studios think this is what women want to see?Why? SATC was a one-off cult phenomenon- Kate Hudson is box-office poison, and is unwatchable. Why do they insist on greenlighting these scripts? I don’t want to see movies like this, none of my friends do, none of my female family members, none of my colleagues. Who are the women who go to these films? Who are the men who go to Max Payne? Where do these people live? What do they do with their lives?
    I am a 29 yr old woman and when I hear about projects like this getting greenlit, as a writer and a human being, I honestly wish the sun would just go ahead and blow up already.

  • Josh Massey

    Say what you want about the quality of the film, but box office is going to be big.

  • huntermdaniels

    You know, that doesn’t look terrible. Okay, maybe it does, but it doesn’t look as bad as failure to launch or half of the other romcom crap that comes out these days.

  • rr3333

    When did Hudson start borrwoing her mom’s bad wigs?
    Oh, how I look forward to the day when Kate loses her looks and stops getting jobs.
    I 2nd actionman’s take: Almost Famous would have been a classic if they had hired someone who could act in Hudson’s place.
    Her nomination was an abonimation since Crowe’s dialogue got her nominated, not her performance.

  • http://www.lytrules.com LYT

    Never mind Kate Hudson…if it’s a “comedy” opening in January it will most certainly be at least 95% laugh-free, half-assed, and #1 at the box office that weekend regardless.

  • Doug

    Wow! Calm down, everybody.
    “Bride Wars” isn’t meant to be “All’s Quiet on the Western Front.” It’s just a little comedy about two best friends who bring out the worst in each other when their weddings end up being on the same day in the same place.
    Gary Winick made a wonderful comedy with “13 Going on 30.” Kate was delightful in “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days.” Anne has made two fine comedies – “The Princess Diaries” and “The Devil Wears Prada.” If the three of them thought this was worth spending three plus months of their lives on, then I’m looking forward to seeing it.
    The January date is because this is a Fox Searchlight film, and they had great success last January with the romcom “27 Dresses.”
    See it or don’t see it, but it’s not something to get so worked up over.

  • MAGGA

    I like the scenes of women in wedding dresses running and screaming. Nothing like that has ever been done in the history of movies. Whoever thought of that deserves an Oscar. You can keep your Kubricks and you big-city, latte-filled, elitist heads. Nothing spells quality like women running and screaming in their wedding dresses. They spell it qwalidy. Blink.

  • Doug

    CORRECTION: “27 Dresses” and “Bride Wars” are Fox 2000 films, not Fox Searchlight.

  • DeafBrownTrashPunk

    Kate Hudson is such a huge embarrasment and disgrace to her mom’s legacy.

    @TVMCAA: ditto on Fairuza Balk. LOVE her. why are all the crappy blonde actresses always overrated and getting big roles while talented actresses like her are being pushed aside?

  • http://community.livejournal.com/carole_and_co/ vp19

    Kate has made some terrible choices in films, but it’s not as if it’s 1936 and the studios are chock full of witty perceptive writers such as Ben Hecht, Norman Krasna or Robert Riskin. Lombard, Loy and Harlow combined couldn’t rescue these duds.

  • calraigh

    CORRECTION: ” 27 Dresses ” and ” Bride Wars ” are the visual equivalent to disembowelling, and should have been thrown onto a funeral pyre along with all the hair extensions in the world, small irrelevant dogs, and Kate Hudson’s entire filmic canon.

  • insidah

    I read the script. It’s crap. Yet, swear to God, write something wedding themed and your shitty movie will get made. Hollywood is SO FUCKING TIMID RIGHT NOW.

  • cdeegee

    What I dont get is that all these female actors get attacked for the romcom roles they pick…however if you really look at all the big films that hollywood makes…most of the female roles are shit anyway or nonexistent. Leaving all the female actors fighting for the few roles that are actually serious actor roles.
    And thus many of them get to play the same character over and over again…

  • free games

    She’s been in a rut for so long now, you wonder if it’s even possible for her to get out of it.

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