Hit List
Compulsively chatty airline passengers and fat movieplex customers who load up on junk food like squirrels getting ready for a long winter — I can’t decide which I despise more.
I’ve cumulatively stood for days (if you consider all my years of going to airports since I was 18) watching airline passengers go up to the initial check-in ticket counter and then proceed to yap-yap-yap with the airline rep for eight or ten or twelve minutes or more. About what?, I’m always wondering. They’ve bought the ticket and their luggage is tagged — what could there be to discuss? And yet they do it every time. Perhaps it’s because some people are nervous about flying and they just want to feel comforted by a friendly voice. Of course, the idea that they’re making others wait in line much longer than necessary never occurs to them. Why should it?
I’ve stared with amazement at Target-dressed, pudgy-bodied moviegoers who go up to the candy counter and buy a couple of extra-large buckets of popcorn, two or three supersize Cokes, trays of nachos with cheese and jalapenos, hot dogs with mustard and relish and an extra-large pack of red licorice, and then load it all onto a couple of carboard trays. Watching this tends to bring about feelings of nausea, of course. On top of the fact that ordering and paying for all this crap takes almost as much time as the yap-yappers at the airport.
I (non-fatty) wear Rustler jeans bought at Target. They’re soft, comfortable, and not baggy. Fit much better than much more expensive jeans elsewhere.
Movie theater popcorn really is one of the fouler foods I can think of. On the rare occasions that I have some I feel sort of ill afterwards. There’s something nasty about the stuff.
I wouldn’t buy anything from a movie theater that isn’t presealed. This is from experience when I was younger working at theaters. A lot of theater recycle their popcorn, ie put it in a trash bag overnight and mix it in with some fresh the next day to warm it up.
Which isn’t even the worst thing. Every night when the popper is cleaned it’s a 45 minute process using the harshest most foul chemicals you can imagine. The oil/burnt popcorn debris is the sickest gloop I’ve ever seen.
I couldn’t eat ANY popcorn for two years following my last movie theater job. The smell just seeps into your clothes, your hair, your shoes and never goes away.
Hot dogs are even worse, because those are put on those heating racks until they’re sold. Doesn’t matter if it’s the most deformed looking thing ever after 3 days…
Can you please explain where this hate against the overweight comes from? Because it’s starting to look like an obsession.If you changed the word fat with black, imagine what the response would be?
I read your blog regularly and I find it hard to fathom why you are so hung up about this. When you talk about other issues, you’re intelligent and witty, but when it reaches the “fat” issue, it’s as if I was reading a post from a mean girl.
And they’re always listening to that consarnit Rock and Roll music at ungodly volume! It’s a wonder they’re not all deaf!
Darien: as much as Wells’ fat obsession is a bit over-the-top, you can’t compare it to racism. That’s just silly.
Darien must be new.
Funny I was just thinking how the one thing that bothered me was people that get really upset at other people about mundane things.
Mind you bad line etiquette can be pretty frustrating – darn line jumping teens! I’m a bit disappointed that concessions at movies have to offer so many foods. Bagging a bag of popcorn is like 10 seconds – nachos and hot dogs seem to take forever to make when you are trying to get into your film.
I’m in Canada – popcorn’s pretty good in my area – I couldn’t imagine NOT having popcorn for the movie.
Jeff, Target is the thinking-person’s Wal-Mart. Everybody knows that.
Anyone reading HE has discretionary time to waste. If I were ahead if an impatient a-hole, I’d pause to slowly chat up an airline rep too. This site is compulsively readable because its humorless a make it funny to read. How does a figure depicted on the masthead (slyly self-regarding with the arch pose of an insider with the hint of dough jowl) get away with such easy target bashing as the overweight and the mainstream box store shoppers?
Too bad for all your delicacy you are stuck in the same venue as the unworthy.
Jalapenos: The Silent Killer.
I was sat next to two genuine nerds at Transformers the other night. They did that “we are not worthy” bow when Optimus Prime came on screen, and they cheered like sports fans every time he killed a robot. They kept saying “Oh my God!” at everything that happened.
And throughout the previews they were just as excitable. When the Last Airbender came on, the speccy gadge to the right of me nearly creamed his briefs.
The more vocal of the two was a chubby gutboy in a black t-shirt, with a rubbish lard-concealing beard like the one worn by fellow hefty hunk Guillermo Del Toro. No wonder these chaps are no good with the women. It’s sad really. They are happy to bow down to a cartoon robot, and that is why they will never caress a lady. It’s a shame for them.
Jeff’s definitely a product of living in LA and NY. Zero patience to wait for ANYTHING.
Sadly, I’m guilty of the same, and not very proud of it.
I blame NYC, which I hate. Sadly I have to commute 5 days a week to pay for my house and my kids out in Long Island (which only gives me 2 days of peace and quiet).
Regarding fat people. I dont dislike them unless they smell or take up 2 seats on the subway or LIRR. I dislike loud-mouthed idiots (mostly 30ish black women) with their false sense of superiority who yap loudly on their cellphones on the railroad.
Kill ‘em all and let the fictional creation known as God sort it out.
Where the hell do people put all that food after they sit down? And what’s the advantage of being pudgy if you can’t wear a hoodie and smuggle a bunch of candy and maybe a bottle of Dew in your pockets?
Speaking of LIRR, Wells missed an obscene spectacle at Penn Station last week. The U.S. Open was underway on Long Island, so every morning there were hordes of people (looked more like Weschesterites than New Yorkers) descending on Penn Station to catch the LIRR. All were dressed in the same badly fitting baggy shorts and green golf shirts like they were in some not-so-secret society. More than half were overweight. But the annoying thing was how they charged through the station as if they were the only people there, coming close to knocking down those of us just trying to get to work. Addled-headed teens may think they’re the center of the universe, but these creeps know they are. I meant to wear my kill-all-the-rich-people t-shirt on Friday, but the dog puked on it.
…and that is why they will never caress a lady.
Bosh wins the thread!
BoshBarnett wrote:
“I was sat next to two genuine nerds at Transformers the other night.”
Uh huh.
Kind of like saying “I was standing next to two genuine racists at the Klan rally the other night.”
I almost never buy food at the movie theater – even when I’m able to do the cheap matinees, the food prices are still outrageous – except at smaller theaters like the Angelika and the Sunshine, where they have better selection (the former even has a cafe). And I guess I’ve been lucky enough not to be near people with a lot of food at the theater. I do feel sorry for all of the ushers who have to clean the mess up.
However, as far as overly chatty passengers on an airline, isn’t that why God invented walkmans – er, i Pods? (Guess I’m showing my age there)
I’m a fatty (Not from laziness or overeating, it is a medical condition, NO really! I have the prescriptions to prove it.) and just came back from a trip to Target. Didn’t buy any clothes, but if it helps- I don’t eat at the theatre, I drink diet coke (small) and I use the e-ticket check in so as to not hold up the lines. I do always wonder what the heck those people are talking about for so darn long. I always get bummed out when people stick me in the “lazy fat ass” category with the tub ‘o popcorn people. Oh well, off to the gym (NO really! I have the membership to prove it
I bought some great (high thread-count) basic tees at Target last week, plus I stocked up on black stockings and bought 2 sports bras for the gym. I loves the Target.
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