Hell For The Holidays

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I decided a year ago that Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes (Warner Bros., 12.25) movie would be largely dismissable. Because I knew it would be made, like all super-expensive high-concept CG adventures, for the under-25 mongrel moviegoing culture which "doesn't want to know from 19th Century London" and "cares only about eating popcorn and scratching their balls during the trailers." About eight months ago a Sarah Lyall N.Y. Times article reiterated the same impression.

"This is surely evidence of a degraded culture," I responded. "The general dilution and animalization of rarified values and dashing cerebral derring-do, which were once admired or at least found intriguing by average moviegoers."

And then the official trailer came along last May and that was it. There could be only one....all right, three responses. One, enjoy the performances by Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law. Two, admire the production design, pyrotechnics, CG, costumes, stunts and all the other peripherals. And three, hate everything else about it. For Sherlock Holmes will almost certainly be an Eloi movie, a corporate bullshit movie, a Goldman Sachs and AIG movie, the new Wild Wild West.

Barring a miracle it will almost certainly say the wrong things, do the wrong things, be the wrong things, traffic in bromance humor and poison your soul. Is it unfair that I'm committed to hating Sherlock Holmes come hell or high water? Yes, surely. Is it fair that Hitfix's Drew McWeeny is apparently committed to finding a way to love it, come hell or high water? Possibly, maybe, you tell me. But I think my attitude is healthier.

Why bring it up again? Because a sequel is on the way, probably in a couple of years.

"Now, I love England," Downey Jr. told Empire recently. "But we might need to shoot the next one abroad. Jude and I'll be texting each other. I'll say, 'Brussels!; he'll say, 'Gstaad!' We're really gonna dig deep for the next one."

Is everyone down with the deal? Downey and Law and producer Joel Silver and whomever is hired to direct the sequel get to text each other and have fun and deposit their fat mercenary paychecks, and we get to pay $12.50 plus parking and popcorn so we can sit there and watch the Holmes sequel while sitting next to wildebeests as they tear open their Twizzlers with their teeth and the ushers pass out sharpened sewing needles so we can stab ourselves in the eye if it all gets to be too much.

Arianna Lasagna<< previous | next >>Compassion

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on September 22, 2009 at 8:33 AM

comment #1

GKLondon says ...

If that's the prescribed viewing experience, maybe I'll just wait for the Blu Ray....

Posted by GKLondon at September 22, 2009 9:42 AM

comment #2

btwnproductions says ...

Has a good movie ever opened wide on Christmas Day?

Posted by btwnproductions at September 22, 2009 9:45 AM

comment #3

Chicago48 says ...

Is Downey becoming Nic Cage? I hope not because he's better than that.

Posted by Chicago48 at September 22, 2009 9:52 AM

comment #4

Breedlove says ...

What is the deal with these weird Brad Pitt rumours? A cameo? He's in the sequel? Total bullshit?

Posted by Breedlove at September 22, 2009 9:58 AM

comment #5

modernknife says ...

Se-nequel-phobia - The fear of not mentioning a future sequel to a film before it's even released.

Posted by modernknife at September 22, 2009 9:59 AM

comment #6

Chase Kahn says ...

Jeff -- You are absolutely right, not one bit in this article feels false or miscalculated, but why do I still kind of want to see this?

It certainly isn't for anything Guy Ritchie is bringing to the table, but I think it's Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law in fake 19th Century London garb that has me perked up just a little.

Sure, it's not destined to rattle anyone's intellectual cage, so to speak, but I don't think it looks half-bad.

Posted by Chase Kahn at September 22, 2009 10:00 AM

comment #7

Rich S. says ...

Perfect solution. Stay home and post reviews agreeing with your preconceived notions of the film like you always do anyway. Save the $12.50 and your eyeballs.

Besides, you're going to need plenty of time to work on your Avatar takedown.

Posted by Rich S. at September 22, 2009 10:01 AM

comment #8

Phatang! says ...

Good post, Jeff. You've captured the present day movie-going experience perfectly.

Posted by Phatang! at September 22, 2009 10:04 AM

comment #9

SnarfTheFierce says ...

Rich S., it's all good to call out ol' Jeff when he goes 'round the bend on something pre-screening, but this does look pretty abominable. Hiring Guy Ritchie for a Holmes movie is akin to giving Shawn Levy the reins of a new Jeeves & Wooster project.

Posted by SnarfTheFierce at September 22, 2009 10:09 AM

comment #10

Travis Crabtree says ...

I think it's gonna ROCK! My main complaint with "Sherlock Holmes" has always been that it wasn't in-my-face enough!

My only worry is how faithful it will be to the spirit of the graphic novel.

Posted by Travis Crabtree at September 22, 2009 10:11 AM

comment #11

Mark says ...

The audiences i have sat with recently have been eating up that "key to my release..." line to conclude the latest trailer. Sequel doesn't surprise.

It is funny how Downey has become a major leading man. Earlier this decade, studios were so desperately trying to develop that guy, ala Affleck, Lucas, Jude, etc, and then the dude slumming on Ally McBeal would rise back up and take it.

Posted by Mark at September 22, 2009 10:14 AM

comment #12

TL says ...

"Has a good movie ever opened wide on Christmas Day?"

Jackie Brown

Posted by TL at September 22, 2009 10:32 AM

comment #13

Ponderer says ...

Children of Men opened on Christmas.

Posted by Ponderer at September 22, 2009 10:41 AM

comment #14

LexG says ...

JFK opened on Christmas. Ben Button opened on Christmas. Along with about a zillion other things I can think of. (Children of Men did NOT open wide on Christmas.)

Most uninformed rhetorical question ever.

Posted by LexG at September 22, 2009 10:46 AM

comment #15

Jeffrey Wells says ...

When did I become an Avatar takedown guy? Yes, I admitted to being underwhelmed when I saw the "Avatar Day" IMAX screening in NYC, saying it didn't feel as exciting as the ComicCon showing, etc. And yes, I loved the hilarious Hitler/Avatar YouTube thing. But I'm not rubbing my hands in anticipation of being able to trash it when it opens. I'm open-minded and unprejudiced for the most part. It will be what it will be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAPyipuT-Jg

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at September 22, 2009 10:50 AM

comment #16

Rich S. says ...

Snarf,

I resent any columnist using their time and energy to do a pre-release takedown of a film, especially one they haven't seen at a film festival or whatever. This movie may look "abominable," but neither Jeffrey nor, to the best of my knowledge, anyone commenting on these boards have seen anything but the trailers.

If it's not Jeffrey's cup of tea, fine. But I think he should expend his energy talking up movies he has seen, rather than spreading vitriol about movies he hasn't. Jeffrey constantly complains about the negativity swirling around his blog and then repeatedly spends significant time and effort doing this stuff.

But being positive doesn't feed the beast, so it's not going to happen.

Posted by Rich S. at September 22, 2009 10:53 AM

comment #17

Rich S. says ...

Because, Jeffrey, I've been reading you long enough to recognize "the arc." You were blown away by the footage at ComicCon and put yourself on the line by saying so. The the trailer went wide and it became apparent that the tech-savvy fans weren't as awed by it as you thought they would be. So when the Avatar Day footage premiered, the cooling-off period began.

Cameron is ripe for a comeuppance and all the signs thus far point to you being in the vanguard when it begins. It's King Kong and Peter Jackson all over again.

Posted by Rich S. at September 22, 2009 10:59 AM

comment #18

Abbey Normal says ...

Everybody, and I mean everybody I know, wants to see this, from relative cultural sideliners like my suburb-dwelling dad, to my cineaste, festival-going film buff friends living in city condos. It's the Downey factor. The guy is right where Depp was (and to some extent, still is) after the first Pirate movie came out. He doesn't seem capable of doing bad work.

Of course, that could change quickly if Holmes really sucks shit. Oh sure, people will go see it anyway, and the sequel, and he'll more or less remain "bankable." But Downey will lose that "it"-ness, that zeitgeist mystique, and that would be a shame because he's worked damn hard to get it.

Posted by Abbey Normal at September 22, 2009 11:03 AM

comment #19

LexG says ...

I don't disagree that it's "Downey's moment," but is there honestly he's doing here or in "Iron Man" that he wasn't ALSO doing, to a T, 22 years ago in "The Pick-Up Artist"? The guy's great, but it's odd that everyone acts like he's suddenly so "in the zone." It'd be like if Jack Nicholson made all the movies he did up until 1989 but no one really noticed, then suddenly acted like he invented some new type of acting in "Batman."

Posted by LexG at September 22, 2009 11:06 AM

comment #20

Jayne says ...

Geez, Wells, save the hate for something that really deserves it. I predict this movie will make a lot of money--money that will fund many other projects. Think of it as a public service.

Posted by Jayne at September 22, 2009 11:24 AM

comment #21

CitizenKanedforChewingGum says ...

What's up with your obsession with those retarded YouTube Hitler spoofs? The same tired footage and "jokes" used over and over again, ad nauseam.

Yet nothing but vitriol for Inglourious Basterds, which has some truly inspired Nazi gags in it. Baffling.

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum at September 22, 2009 11:26 AM

comment #22

CitizenKanedforChewingGum says ...

It'd be like if Jack Nicholson made all the movies he did up until 1989 but no one really noticed, then suddenly acted like he invented some new type of acting in "Batman."

That's more or less how it went down when that movie came out, innit?

Posted by CitizenKanedforChewingGum at September 22, 2009 11:27 AM

comment #23

LexG says ...

I know Wells doesn't always address questions from the peanut gallery, but a very legit question:

Jeff, I get your whole argument about the masses and the popcorn-munchers and all, but would you REALLY be happier if the Morlocks invaded your eighteenth screening of "Up in the Air" or "Collapse"? You're sitting there enjoying your beloved "high-thread count" movie, and a family of party elephants, all stuffed with holiday gravy and hopped up on Jolt cola, plops down behind you munching their popcorn and shouting, "Duuuuude, what the fuuuuuck, this shit's all fucking boring and shit, yo," while some Filipino date couple where the chick's a muffin top and the dude's got a visor and fuzzy stache keep making out on your lap in between checking their BlackBerry?

I know, I know, you don't want to be around those types ANYWHERE, but if you're going to deride the doughy masses for seeing stupid entertainments, then the only alternatives would seem to be 1) them suddenly attaining elite film-going habits and coming to see YOUR movies, or 2) some sort of fascistic reeducation or segregation that, as many have pointed out, is so jarringly opposed to your apparent proud liberalism. Remember, all this Obamacare social change you are so in favor of is to benefit... THE PARTY ELEPHANTS UPSTAIRS that you don't like.

Posted by LexG at September 22, 2009 11:28 AM

comment #24

buster keaton says ...

Unless he shoots a seven percent solution of coke, it ain't Holmes. . .and I doubt that the newly sobered Downey will be anywhere near the white powder. I'm afraid Jeffrey's comparison to "WIld Wild West" will be closer to the truth. Lots of haw-haw stuff the hicks can enjoy and feel like they just saw a goddurned good movie show.

Posted by buster keaton at September 22, 2009 11:31 AM

comment #25

almostcool says ...

Lock, Stock, and Two Joking Cock-Smokers

Posted by almostcool at September 22, 2009 11:41 AM

comment #26

bluefugue says ...

The last paragraph is why I love this blog.

Posted by bluefugue at September 22, 2009 12:39 PM

comment #27

dinovelvet says ...

Yeah to answer post #3, Downey is Mr. Blockbuster now. Iron Man 1,2 (and presumably 3 plus The Avengers), Sherlock Holmes (and sequel(s)), Cowboys and Aliens. On the one hand, after being unhirable, toiling in obscurity, and indeed prison, for years, he probably deserves it more than most stars. But on the other hand, we all know he can do better and that he's phoning in his Robert Downey Jr. persona in all of these.

Posted by dinovelvet at September 22, 2009 12:50 PM

comment #28

The Bandsaw Vigilante says ...

"Hiring Guy Ritchie for a Holmes movie is akin to giving Shawn Levy the reins of a new Jeeves & Wooster project."

This. (Or else Adam Shankman -- same thing.)

If this were a perfect universe, Downey, Val Kilmer, and Shane Black would be constantly texting each other over their next in-the-pipeline project, not him and Jude over Sherlock 2.

Posted by The Bandsaw Vigilante at September 22, 2009 1:32 PM

comment #29

btwnproductions says ...

Lex G, that's three, maybe (JFK opened Dec. 20, 1991, then expanded). The majority of Christmas Day opening slots go to the likes of MARLEY & ME, THE SPIRIT, ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKWEL, ALIEN VS. PREDATOR II: REQUIEM, etc...it's a suspect slot, more often than not a high-profile dumping ground for mass-market tinsel and damaged goods, which may or may not include SHERLOCK HOLMES (and the bland-looking IT'S COMPLICATED). What are the other "zillion" good movies you speak of?

Posted by btwnproductions at September 22, 2009 2:46 PM

comment #30

bulltron says ...

The Wild Wild West comparison is apt, but I'll be damned if I'll sit idly by while the good name of Twizzlers is dragged through the mud. If liking Twizzlers is wrong, I don't want want to be right.

Posted by bulltron at September 22, 2009 5:10 PM

comment #31

COCO says ...

''Righty oh Gov''......Paycheck anyone?
Mary Poppins meets Jackie Chan......But what the
hell....Xmas day....egg nogg....grits....ale...
we do it all in Texas.

Posted by COCO at September 22, 2009 5:20 PM

comment #32

The Bandsaw Vigilante says ...

"ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKWEL"?

I just vomited in my mouth.

Posted by The Bandsaw Vigilante at September 22, 2009 5:56 PM

comment #33

btwnproductions says ...

Got it wrong. Have the bucket handy: It's actually SQUEAKQUEL. Another Christmas Day cracker to join the ranks of 1980's FIRST FAMILY (this wide release dumping ground stuff has gone on for decades now) and RUMOR HAS IT...

Posted by btwnproductions at September 22, 2009 8:33 PM

comment #34