I was awoken at 4:30 am by the sound of that snoring ape upstairs. Yes, the Hispanic Party Elephant of legend. Who sleeps in a bedroom directly above mine. His snoring is so guttural and persistent that once you’ve awakened there’s no going back to sleep. And the sound of the thonging mattress springs and the bed frame creaking and groaning for dear life when he rolls over is appalling. It’s sublime knowing I won’t have to deal with this guy (who fancies himself to be a crooner, by the way — he sings Spanish love ballads as he clomps down the stairs on his way to work) any more after 10.30.09.

  • Michael

    “I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.”

  • actionman

    Your experiences with the HPE mirror mine from a few years ago when I was living in Santa Monica and dealing with a Persian Party Douche (PPD) who lived above me and my then fiancee. I almost hit him in the face once because of his unruly douchebaggery. And I am not a fighter or a person who has ever truly wanted to hurt someone. But his general lack of consideration for anyone else around him was just too much to take. loud music all damn day, parties on a weekly basis, sleeping/snoring/fucking/farting directly above our bedroom — the guy was a total fuck-wad. I never called the cops because I didn’t want to make the situation any worse or confrontational and I didn’t want to make my fiancee any more annoyed. So know what we did? The last day before I left Hell-A, we went to Vons and bought a piece of salmon, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to the prick. But we put it in the mail on Saturday nite, so that it would rot inside the envelope during Sunday, ensuring that on Monday, a stinky piece of fish would be delivered to the twit. I would have loved to have seen the look on his slimy face when he opened the package.

    Jeff — it’s a cultural thing. It really is. Not trying to be racist here, but I have no qualms about calling it the way it is. Some people, and some types of people in general, just don’t fucking get it. They don’t get how to live and interact with society in a normal, adjusted way. And then they are surprised when someone gets pissed off, calls the cops, pulls out a gun, etc.

    I feel much better now that we live in a condo, with nobody above us, below us, to the sides of us, or near us in any general way.

  • Phreaker

    An upside: it inspired a great paragraph, which would make a great short story.

  • George Prager

    The snoring and the weight problem (and a bed that is probably as soft and unsupporting as a giant marshmallow) probably means that this guy is going to have some serious medical issues in the future.

  • Brendan

    “And the sound of the thonging mattress springs and the bed frame groaning for its life when he rolls over is truly appalling.”

    The most truly inspired sentence you have written this month. Thanks, that was a joy to read.

  • Howlingman

    Action man — nice job. I’ll keep that in mind when I move.

  • Jeff,

    Your situation is expected considering the cheap rent you pay. In America low-lifes like this are like roaches and rats they inhabit LOW RENT places and fuck up your life.

    This is the price you pay for being lower middle class.

  • buster keaton

    The fish is an inspired idea, but desperate times call for LOUD measures. Before you leave — and after you’ve gotten back your security deposit! — hook up a timer to a cheap CD discman or cassette deck with a loop that plays The Ramones’ first album at ear-splitting levels (or Jimi’s Star Spangled Banner from Woodstock, as a good substitution) and LET IT ROCK at 4 a.m. until dawn. Of course, you’ve got to test the unit before you leave, but it should do the trick.

    My college cronies once rigged a record turntable to play and replay and replay the old 45 single of that horrible trucker song “Convoy” shortly before a three day weekend. Those remaining in the dorm were forced to listen to it over and over. But the best thing is — they also rigged the door, tying the inside handle to a rope attached to a chair that was placed outside the window. Then they removed out the dowel-things in the door hinges. The door was locked, but as soon as the Convoy-deranged dorm manager’s key went in the lock and he turned the knob, the door FLEW off its hinges and, due to the attached rope and chair, it went sailing across the room, scaring the shit out of everyone involved. 10-4, good buddy!

  • Howlingman

    Or, tell your movers you want them to come by at 4 in the morning and make as much noise as possible when they move you to your new digs, Jeff.

    Neighbors suck.

  • Ryansi51

    “Not trying to be racist here, but I have no qualms about calling it the way it is.”

    i think any sentence that starts with this (mine included) more than likely ends up being racist.

    c’mon actionman, its not a cultural thing. youve never heard of asshole white neighbors having parties all hours of the night?

    and what culture are you talking about? i see, blame it all on the koreans!

  • Mike Ock

    @ actionman – Dude with all due respect, that was such a wussy move!!

  • actionman

    why? i thought it was funny to send a fish. fighting either gets me arrested, potentially hurt, and doesn’t help with the wife. what would you have done, Ock?

  • Phreaker

    I agree – wussy move. A box of dog shit is a better idea. On the other hand, I would never send anything through the US Post office because it can be a Federal crime, right?

  • actionman

    oh, the stuff I have sent thru the US Postal Service………….

    a box of dog shit is so boring and cliched

  • Manitoba

    Jeff, have you found another place in NYC or are you going back to L.A.? I ask this from the middle of Canada where I don’t have to worry about upstairs party animals. But I have to go outside and check now on whether the flowers I covered up last night, survived an early frost. And all those leaves in the many trees outside will soon be on the ground for endless pick up and bagging.Next comes snow shovel time. I guess there is no ideal place but Bora, Bora sure looks pretty good. in the “Couples Retreat” clips.

  • EdHavens

    When my wife and I lived in Bed-Stuy, we lived in a two bedroom railroad apartment near the Franklin Ave. shuttle line. About six months after we moved in, some asshat who fancied himself a rapper moved in to the apartment on the other side of the floor, putting a huge ass PA speaker in to the room that shares a wall with our bedroom. Except this guy didn’t actually do much rapping. He would play his hippy-hoppy shit at very loud volumes and basically pretend he was Puff Daddy, going “huh huh, yeah” to what song he was playing.

    We moved in to Manhattan shortly thereafter.

  • Actionracist


    I love how u neglected to address Ryan’s comment regarding your attempt at justifying your racism by stating upfront that u don’t mean to be racist and that it’s all just a cultural thing.

    Um, well, your statement was racist. Pure and simple. And small-minded, too. But then again, what can one expect from a proponent of movies which are mostly dumbed down spectacles with no brains and, for the most part, suck.

    Why would anyone expect u to be a great thinker, or even have to the capacity to see things from any other persective but your own? Perhaps it’s asking too much from a guy who expounds upon the so called genius of Michael Bay.

    PS. It’s a shame you wasted a perfectly good piece of salmon (even if it was farm raised.) All you had to do was grab a pair of “The Wife’s” (more proof that your a douche to call her that, by the way) day old panties from the laundry bin and mail them off that day. Surely, the stench would be no less foul. In fact, I bet it would be far more loathsome. After all, you know what they say about white women.

    Oh wait, was that racist? Oh, I didn’t mean it to be.


  • Mike Ock

    @ actionman – Just knock on his door and have a face to face with him. Let him know that you don’t appreciate the noise, and ask him to be a little more considerate. If nothing else, he’ll respect you for it, and 9 times out of 10, he’d be so emabarrassed that it won’t ever be an issue again.

    If he still keeps at it, tell him you’re going to call the police and file a complaint. If he still does it after that, then you call the cops and then call the Landlord the next day with proof that you filed a complaint with the cops, and I guarantee you it won’t happen again.

  • actionman

    ock — i tried that route — the pleasant stuff — it didn’t work. ever. the guy was a fuck-head. pure and simple.

    you’re good for a laugh, actionracist.

  • Stringer Bell

    This begs the question: Why haven’t you MOVED OUT?

  • Actionracist

    You’re a racist ass, Actiondouche.

    I can smell your Wifes fishhole from here.

    Can’t wait to break out the tartar saucer and watch me some Transformers 2

  • Mike Ock

    @ actionman – You tried calling the cops and he still kept at it? You called the landlord and showed them a police report?

  • JapAdapters

    People crack me up with their total and complete fear of confrontation.

    In the mid-90s I lived under BU students who partied all the time — fucking trust fund, coke heads is what they were — and I happened to have a job for which I had to be up at 4AM. Their total lack of consideration was first met with polite discussion, then firm request, then ultimatums.

    I remember the night they woke me and my roommate up and we both set forth to getting dressed, so we would be properly attired for the coming ass whippings. I stayed at the bottom of the stairs as my roommate knocked on the door and as soon as I heard “Well, you’re going to have to talk to the person who designed the house,” I snapped, saw red, had steam shoot out my ears, etc. I bound up the stairs, got in coke head #1s face and promised to smash it into what was left of his drug addled brain. He said “Do you want to go outside?” and I screamed “WANT TO? I’m going to drag you out by your hair,” and as soon as he saw his four friends behind him back away, having (correctly) guessed it wasn’t worth it, he quickly backed down and after a five minute invective laden tirade, I let him.

    Really, an unpleasant experience, but guess what? We never had another problem with noise, and after they graduated and got, like, jobs, we were even able to commiserate. Honestly, I like to think I taught those young fellas something about consideration, and I bet they’re a little more cautious with how they treat people to this day. So much more effective than an anonymous fish in the mail (sorry, pussy move).

    Oh, and Jeff, try earplugs.

  • actionman

    no, ock. sorry for the confusion. i tried to respectfully talk with the dick-head but that never got me anywhere. i tried this method more than once. i didn’t call the cops because i didn’t feel like making an already awful situation worse.

    stringer — if ur comment was meant for me, i did move out — 2 years ago. jeff’s stories about the HPE just send me back down memory lane.

    actionracist — damn, buddy. you’ve got some problems. thanks for creating a handle name in my honor (what is this, like the 4th or 5th time this has happened around these parts….?)

  • rayciscon

    Jeff, I completely sympathize with you. If you can’t get a good nights sleep, how can you expect to operate with any level of efficiency or creativity the next day.

    It’s exactly this reason why I don’t live in the city anymore. I work in the suburbs so I’ve moved to the suburbs. I’ve got a nice inexpensive house where I can sleep without the worry of noisy neighbors.

    You need to consider things like this in the overall quality of the life you lead… bad sleep can kill you quicker than a high-fat diet.

    For your own sake, please consider this when you choose your next place…

  • actionman

    well i guess i’m a pussy, racist, michael bay loving ass hole. i am fine with that. won’t lose any sleep over it.

  • JapAdapters

    Pussy move and pussy are two different things.

    A fish in the mail is aggressive, but it’s not honest. I don’t know who you are or what you’re like in your life and would never presume to from what you post on the internet (aside from thinking you’re a little too effusive in your praise of what I think are some mediocre to downright shitty movies), but you’d have probably felt a whole lot more satisfaction slapping this douchebag, and dealt with what came down. Or maybe I’m just projecting my own sense of what’s right onto your situation. Still, it would have given your neighbor pause when he pulled his shit on people in the future. A fish? Not so much.

  • Stringer Bell

    actionman: i was referring to jeff.

    Even if the landlord wont let him out of a lease, I’m sure he could get mgmt. to move him to another apartment in the same building.

    I live in a house in the burbs now, but in my first apt. in Briarwood, Queens, I had a horrible upstairs neighbor, so i totally relate to it.

  • Stringer Bell

    Besides earplugs, which generally dont work because they tend to fall out in the middle of the night, i would suggest a ‘sound machine’ that has the same consistent sound, and does a pretty good job of drowning out extraneous noises.

    Where are you moving on 10/30?

  • actionman

    JapAdapters — the fish worked just fine for me. i thought it was a funny idea. sorry you think i’m too effusive. it’s just that i like lots of different films/movies.

  • JapAdapters

    Don’t apologize for your opinions. You sure are sensitive.

  • George Prager

    Call the police. Are you black, actionman? I really don’t understand your reluctance to call the police.

  • There’s nothing inherently “racist” about pointing out differing cultural norms. That the world is still in a place where ethnicity and “class” (as in social status, not as in “refinement”) still break along fairly paralell lines is unfortunate, but there it is.

    Boisterous, loud and/or unruly behavior at any hours of one’s own (likely meager and irregular) free time is a fact of life in both third-world countries and American urban/rural-poor areas; and people who come from (or recently-descend from) cultures in such regions will tend to continue that behavior. That there is often an incidental racial component is a function of living in cosmopolitan areas – live in similar circumstances in the rural south and you’ll very quickly learn that “white folk” come in ‘varieties,’ too – i.e. you can somewhat “tell” who’s from where in the area by behavior like that of Jeff’s Elephant.

  • Jesus, guys – a lot of these differences are cultural. I live near a Hispanic-dominated apartment complex, and guess what I hear damn near almost every night.

    Fireworks. Shit you not, average Tuesday night at 11 p.m., I hear fucking fireworks. That is a cultural thing, and so are many other instances of this kind of behavior. Take your PC panties off and realize actionman said nothing incorrect. And he certainly never implied white people never act like idiots.

  • Gaydos

    I know that being the voice of reason on a blog is your basic wallflower at the orgy play, but still….guess I care about the health of a fellow entertainment scribe.

    So here’s the sage advice of a guy from a steel mill town where football games that were lost on the field were won in the parking lot after the game: tread carefully my friend. Publicly humiliating a guy who has successfully gotten you tossed out of your flat might lead to a more serious confrontation where the words “Marquis of Queensbury” are never uttered in any language.

  • Wrecktem

    Persians (or, more accurately, Iranians) don’t come from a third-world country. Neither are they someone you should be afraid to bitch-slap. If you’re talking about cultural norms, then loud confrontation is EXACTLY what an Iranian punkass wants and expects.

    Oh, and anyone who uses the term “hell-A” is a colossal douche of titanic proportions. I’d flush you out with loud music too just to see your pussy ass waddle away with your tail between your legs like a bitch.

  • iamanerd

    Had bad neighbors in college. I did the music thing over a weekend. Set my alarm clock under their bedroom to go off at 3:00am. Alarm clock that had a CD player so Ozzy’s “Crazy Train” played on a loop for an hour on full blast before the machines defaulted off. Good times.

    When that didn’t work for good, went upstairs, knocked on the door, and told the fuckers that it would go two ways: I call the cops next time they don’t quiet down when I ask them nicely OR they’d be calling the cops when I came up there with a bat. Since I had my bat in my hand when I told them this (it was a couple of dudes), they were really quiet the last 6 months they were there before I moved out.

  • iamanerd

    I brought the bat the 6th trip I went up there on a week night, fyi. The first 5 times over a 3 month period of asking and being civil didn’t work. I never complained about weekend noise once either. It was a Sunday-Wednesday night when I asked them to be quiet those first 5 times. And I never asked for quiet until after 11:00pm and never pushed it on a Thursday evening since it was a college town. Dickheads and dickheads. I stooped to their level and actually got results.

    The landlords also told me that until I filed a police report, they weren’t getting involved.

  • Gordon27

    “Take your PC panties off and realize actionman said nothing incorrect.”

    No, what he said was definitely racist.

    “Some people, and some types of people in general, just don’t fucking get it. They don’t get how to live and interact with society in a normal, adjusted way.”

    Now, he may not have meant it in a racist way, but the key difference between what he said and what you said is that you provided a specific example and said “this is what I have observed from the Hispanics that live near me”. Admittedly, you did make the vaguely racist assumption that what those specific Hispanics do represents all Hispanic culture, but it’s still far less racist than “Hey, some types of people just don’t understand white society.”

  • George Prager

    I lived in a Hispanic neighborhood. The bodega down the street was a non-stop party, Salsa music all night long. No patch of grass or piece of sidewalk was too small for them to light up a barbecue grill (purchased at Rite-Aid). The women would make the food, the men would stand in the patch of grass drinking cerveza. They used to pour Clamato into their Heinkens. Their other hobby was littering.

  • Wrecktem

    Sounds like a wonderful place, Prager.

  • great scott

    Jeff, BUY A FRIGGIN’ HOUSE, CHEAPSKATE! An average working stiff nobody like me can afford monthly mortgage payments but Mr. Inside Hollywood Journalist/Blogger has to rent?

  • Josh Massey

    Gordon: Do you have any idea what the word “racist” actually means? Or have you used it so many times, like when a white guy farts near a black guy, that it has lost all meaning?

    Can one not acknowledge cultural differences without being labeled racist? You must be fun to hang around.

  • Anton_Sugar

    Although I have yet to venture into a bodega (I’m from Arkansas), I must say I’m a fan of the word.

  • air nike shoes

    Can one not acknowledge cultural differences without being labeled racist? You must be fun to hang around.

  • Josh Massey

    By the way, that’s what has really annoyed me about the Up in the Air trailer. Clooney wants to stand in line behind Asians listing reasons why it would be better – cultural reasons. And how does the hobbit react? She calls him “racist.”

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