Medieval Horror Mulch

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How overwhelming can moviegoer cynicism get, or is it a bottomless pit? Nicholas Cage, Dominic Sena, scary wolves, 14th-century monks and knights, lots of fake fog, Ron Perlman and Ulrich Thomsen, a suspected witch, a monastery, the Black Plague, etc. Pure paycheck, pure bulimia.

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on November 23, 2009 at 10:48 AM

comment #1

Rich S. says ...

It looks extraordinarily stupid, but plenty of dumb fun.

But if they don't have a Halloween mask that turns children's heads into bugs and worms, I won't have earned the title "Season of the Witch."

Posted by Rich S. at November 23, 2009 11:01 AM

comment #2

Eloi Manning says ...

Hopefully it'll have as many YouTube-friendly Cage moments as The Wicker Man.

At least it's a Relativity Media production, which means it's been approved by Kavanaugh's Excel spreadsheet quality test.

Could Cage look any more out of place in medieval Europe? I hope there's a cameo from Kevin Costner's Robin Hood.

Posted by Eloi Manning at November 23, 2009 11:03 AM

comment #3

THE MovieBob says ...

Eh, looks pretty metal, could be fun. I can think of worse ways to help Cage with his IRS problems.

Posted by THE MovieBob at November 23, 2009 11:37 AM

comment #4

LexG says ...

YEP YEP. Looks AWESOME. MANSON POWER.

I trust and agree with Wells on a lot of things, but he's about the least "metal" dude ever. There is NOTHING more awesome in film than metal cranking over top of hot chicks and hardcore violence. Wells is great about a lot of things, but he rarely goes for that sort of base-level WWE Slayer-listening hardcore appreciation of visceral carnage and awesome stupidity.

Posted by LexG at November 23, 2009 11:50 AM

comment #5

Sabina E says ...

It's Lionsgate. They make a lot of fun horror movies. It ain't no masterpiece, but it sure looks entertaining as hell.

Relax, Wells, or you're gonna get an ulcer.

Posted by Sabina E at November 23, 2009 12:05 PM

comment #6

DeeZee says ...

It looks like the director's a fan of Berserk.

Posted by DeeZee at November 23, 2009 12:06 PM

comment #7

RSBrown says ...

Talk about coffee brown. I stopped watching half-way through because I couldn't see a damn thing.

Posted by RSBrown at November 23, 2009 12:17 PM

comment #8

RSBrown says ...

Good for Bragi Schut though. Great guy.

Posted by RSBrown at November 23, 2009 12:29 PM

comment #9

Pynchon8 says ...

For all of Wells' elitist leanings he sure attracts some dumb readers. Not without ample and weak qualifications can you find anything to like about this dreck.

Posted by Pynchon8 at November 23, 2009 1:01 PM

comment #10

BurmaShave says ...

Wells aren't Cena and Cage responsible for one of your favorite guilty pleasure films of all time?

Posted by BurmaShave at November 23, 2009 1:11 PM

comment #11

BurmaShave says ...

Sena, rather. Though I'm sure Nic Cage and John Cena is inevitable.

Posted by BurmaShave at November 23, 2009 1:25 PM

comment #12

Rollic says ...

That trailer looks EXACTLY like the kind of movie that Ricky Gervais' character from The Invention of Lying wanted to make about the Black Plague.

Posted by Rollic at November 23, 2009 2:10 PM

comment #13

115thDreamer says ...

Give Cage a break - he has what, 6M in back taxes to pay off? He's got more like this in the pipeline, I'm sure. To the break of dawnnnnnnn........

Posted by 115thDreamer at November 23, 2009 2:12 PM

comment #14

JohnCope says ...

Sena was a very promising director for a few months in 1993 with the tuly great Kalifornia. Since then it has been all downhill as he's become an ace purveyor of schlock. He could have been Fincher and instead ended up Simon West.

Posted by JohnCope at November 23, 2009 3:04 PM

comment #15

hunterd says ...

Didn't this guy do CON-AIR with Cage? Didn't you love that movie Wells?

Posted by hunterd at November 23, 2009 3:53 PM

comment #16

VictorLazlo says ...

Anyone else find it slightly disturbing that the movie takes the side of people who burned women at the stake as witches? Besides that looks like a good viewing when it gets to HBO.

Posted by VictorLazlo at November 23, 2009 5:30 PM

comment #17

actionman says ...

simon west did con air...very well i might add

sena's best film is the first 10 mins of swordfish. i keed...i keed...kalifornia is twisted and awesome. he's never lived up to the promise that his debut showed.

whiteout?!?!?!?!?!

Posted by actionman at November 23, 2009 6:53 PM

comment #18

Noiresque says ...

" ... scary wolves, 14th-century monks and knights, ... Ron Perlman and Ulrich Thomsen, a suspected witch, a monastery, the Black Plague ..."

Maybe it's just me, but these aspects sound rather fun. I'll definitely rent the DVD.

Posted by Noiresque at November 24, 2009 1:06 AM

comment #19

COCO says ...

What fun lurks there......Eloi like much....meh popcorn anyone??? Cage got tax woes...call it ''Season of the IRS''.....cool beans

Posted by COCO at November 24, 2009 2:04 AM

comment #20

Noiresque says ...

OMG, and Stephen Campbell Moore is in this too? If he is not wearing a hideous, uglifying costume and horror makeup, I may pay money to see this in a actual cinema.

Posted by Noiresque at November 24, 2009 5:52 AM

comment #21

Rich S. says ...

It's funny, we always make fun of period films for using British actors, whose accents are supposed to represent everything from Roman centurions to Nazi stormtroopers. But when you use an actor that doesn't employ a British accent, like Cage or Perlman, it seems especially glaring.

Just part of the shorthand language of cliche cinema, I guess.

Posted by Rich S. at November 24, 2009 6:58 AM

comment #22