Gorts and Pixies

Why would a lanky Abe Lincoln-sized guy want a Tinkerbell-sized girlfriend, regardless of how hot she might seem? Why would any confident, self-respecting guy want to have sex with a woman small enough to be eight or nine years old? I can understand Hobbit-like women wanting a Richard Kiel-sized boyfriend for protection or whatever, but such couplings do seem a bit perverse from the guy’s perspective.


(l.) When in Rome‘s Josh Duhamel, Kristin Bell; (r.) Twilight‘s Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart,

I’m not saying that men in such relationships are necessarily having wicked fantasies, but it’s only natural to hook up with someone who’s in the same approximate realm (physically, emotionally, attractiveness-wise) so why do Gort-sized guys hook up with little bitty pixies with Tiny Kingdom feet and hands and little peep-peep voices?

I was just considering the odd disparity between When in Rome‘s Kristen Bell, who could easily pass for a fifth grader if she weren’t biologically mature in other ways, and Josh Duhamel, who’s so much taller than Bell he seems almost Navi-sized.

Or the romance between Twilight‘s Rob Pattinson, who’s a good 6’2″ or 6’3″, and the elfin Kristen Stewart. It hit me as I looked at her on the Eccles stage in Park City that she’s not just short but tiny in a growth-stunted way. She physically got to age nine or so and then just stopped.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    The last sentence is probably why Lex and his ilk find her so irrepressibly attractive.

  • Eloi Manning

    There aren’t many tall women though. The average height for a woman is about 5 foot 4, so if you only go for tall girls you’re cutting off a lot of options.

  • Jeffrey Wells

    Not tall girls — just girls that aren’t so much shorter than yourself that something seems vaguely wrong. My ex-wife is 5’5″ and I’m 6′ 1 and 1/2″ — that was okay. I’m talking about being 6’3″ or 6′ 4″ and the girl being 5 foot even or shorter.

  • vansmith

    its a combination, lots short hot women and also some guys are intimidated by the 5 6 or 5’7 girl, i think its a dick size thing, they like these little girls because it makes them feel more like a man..tall women will tell you that…

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    I don’t believe there are too many actresses working Hollywood today under 5′, Jeff. I think you’re exaggerating a bit here to prove your point, which is okay.

    Btw, Kristen Stewart is probably taller than you imply. She’s listed as anywhere between 5’4″ and 5’6″ on all the online sources I’ve found (a 2 inch discrepancy? How do you even find an official answer on such queries?).

  • Bill Bomp Whomper

    Just stop with this. You embarrass yourself.

  • George Prager

    We’re laughing now, but you know that by next week, TMZ will have a headline like “Is Vin Diesel dating Snooki?”

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    That would be pretty hard to believe, George, but not due to any perceived height discrepancy.

    Vin Diesel’s gay.

  • George Prager

    That was quick.

  • George Prager

    Is Manute Bol dating Snooki?

  • jmevans

    Vin Diesel is not gay. But congrats on following the online commenting trend of calling out a male actor as gay, when he clearly is not.

  • George Prager

    “Is Vin Diesel dating Snooki?”

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    Trend? Yes, “clearly” he’s not gay based on all the overwhelming evidence towards the contrary. It’s pretty much impossible to prove these sort of things one way or another.

    I was making a joke.

    Congratulations for taking things way too seriously.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    “Did Vin Diesel jilt jmevans after XXX?”

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    Whether that comment refers to the commercially-produced movie or privately-produced movie is entirely up to you, reader.

  • jmevans

    Yes, trend. I read commenters on various sites say that pretty much every A list actor that is not married is gay. Then when they do eventually get married they move on to the other not yet married male actor.

    What exactly is the overwhelming evidence that Vin Diesel is gay? I certainly cannot prove he is straight but I do know three girls personally that he has dated. So I find your claim pretty absurd.

    Also you wrote “Vin Diesel’s gay” and nothing more. Kinda hard to interpret that as a joke.

    Your XXX joke is hilarious. Actually, no it’s not. You also made three separate comments in responding. Did you get “funny” ideas for replies and decided to hit “post” again?

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    Yes. Like Sam Kinison on Charles Manson, that was kinda like my “greatest-hits” collection on Vin Diesel. Or worstest-hits, as it were.

    You must be new around here because responding to George is always a joke.

  • jmevans

    I’m not new around here and I’m actually responding directly to you, not George.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    I was responding to George in making my joke.

    Make sense now?

    Next you’ll try to tell me that Tom Cruise isn’t gay, or — stranger yet — actually human!

  • jmevans

    No actually it doesn’t considering you name checked me in your joke.

  • Chris Willman

    This is why for many of us “Four Christmases” seemed more like a horror movie than a comedy. (Well, one of the reasons.)

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    I name-checked you in my first post? Are you Vin Diesel? I guess that would make a certain amount of sense, actually…

    Goddamnit, George, nothing good ever results when I respond to you in a thread!!

  • jmevans

    Citizen you are making no sense at this point. I know better now then to respond to anything you write here. Thanks.

  • Jeffrey Wells

    Thanks to everyone involved for hijacking this thread with an idiotic “is Vin Diesel really gay?” discussion. Deeply appreciated.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    Sorry, Jeff.

  • reverent and free

    Citizencanned, the two inch difference is probably the difference of her being measured with shoes on.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    Yeah, that makes sense. In this day and age, it’s just surprising to me that it’s still so hard to get an accurate reading on a celebrity’s height.

  • George Prager

    Have you ever seen a photo of former Senator Bill Bradley and his wife? He’s like 6’6″ and she’s about 5’1″. Maybe some really tall guys don’t want to marry a tall woman because they don’t want giant children.

  • Chris Willman

    See also the current ABC sitcom “The Middle,” the title of which I think stands for some kind of imagined median between diminutive Patricia Heaton and her linebacker-sized hulk of a TV husband. As good as the actors’ chemistry is, it’s hard not to be constantly distracted by the size disparity. But maybe not that hard for most of America… I don’t know.

  • Gordon27

    Yeah, guys, Jeff’s point was *serious* and you derailed it with a totally superficial conversation!

  • George Prager

    I wonder how short the girl was who cockteased DeeZee into getting a job at Burger King.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    ^Pretty sure that was actually VIN DIESEL.

    Dude is soooo good at getting ppl to upsize their combo meals!

  • http://www.lytrules.com Luke Y. Thompson

    I go for pretty much any girl who actually says yes. Which hasn’t happened much in this town.

  • George Prager

    When was the last time a guy with a comb over made it with a hot chick in a movie?

  • googs

    Speaking of size difference…Vin Diesel and Tom Cruise would make a really cute couple.

  • ZacharyTF

    I’m 6’2″ and height doesn’t matter to me when it comes to women. If she’s good looking, I don’t care if she can kiss me flat footed or if she has to get up on her tippy toes.

    My celebrity crushes and their height:

    Charlize Theron 5′ 9 1/2″

    Kristen Bell – 5’1″

    Yvonne Strahovski – 5′ 9 1/4″

    Jenna Fischer – 5′ 5 1/2″

    Lauren Graham – 5′ 9″

  • googs

    @ zachary

    awwww thats so cute. he’s got a little list of imaginary girlfriends.

  • Wiggumx

    Jeff, perhaps if you posted a list of acceptable reply topics you wouldn’t have your threads derailed as often. Because a section for comments should be filled by yes-men and nothing else, especially not by people who disagree or drift away from the topic.

    And while we’re discussing this, why is it acceptable for DZ to post 10-20 links that have NOTHING to do with your initial post, but anyone else who drifts a bit off topic gets chastised as if they’re answering their cell phone in church? It seems like a complete double standard.

  • http://www.lytrules.com LYT

    I go for pretty much any girl who actually says yes. Which hasn’t happened much in this town.

  • LexG

    I wish I’d been around earlier for this awesome thread.

    First off, K-Stew is a perfectly normal, sexy height. Plus her (awesome) leanness gives her a sense of lankiness or tallness no matter what the actual height is. What’s annoying is when a chick is “stubby.” Even a beautiful chick, like, say, Rachel Bilson, is just TOO FUCKING SHORT at 4’11 or 5’0 or whatever she is. Like, what are you, 10 years old? That’s too damn short. If you’re going to be in the mid-5’s like K-Stew, you need to be super thin so you can have the ULTIMATE LOOK among women, which is when they have the skinny abs, long legs, slightly above average shoe size, and mid-sized breasts. Evan Rachel Wood in WHATEVER WORKS is pretty close to the ultimate example of this and the ULTIMATE way a female body should look. You should be BOWING.

    There are dudes who say “I like some curves,” but I say those dudes just lack fucking imagination. No, I don’t want cushion for whatever; Show me a guy who says he likes curvy chicks, and I’ll show you a guy who can’t get super-thin chicks. Also, as I’ve long since established, giant cartoon tits are the most gratuitous thing in the world.

    See, I CAME of age (get it) to supermodels and liquor ads and swimsuit magazines or the Freedom 90 video or whatever, so length and lank is preferable to some Hayek-bodied Jessica Rabbit chick where you could lay a plate on top of her head and comfortably eat a sandwich off it if you’re standing side by side.

    And you know, when I went to COLLEGE, aka the WORST WASTE OF TIME MONEY AND ENERGY EVER, despite my three degrees, one thing that struck me: Why are SORORITY CHICKS always short? You never some some ’86 Elle Macphereson/Taylor Swift-builet string bean chick rocking a stupid baggy sorority-whore sweater. No, it’s also some stumpy, stocky 4’11 chick with her stupid hair band thing on her wrist. Sorority chicks are TOO SHORT, college girls are too short in GENERAL; Go down to UCLA and you’ll see it in full effect– bunch of fucking midgets. I guess you need to go to some tony East Coast school where they have more Amazonian, coat-wearing sophisto chicks for Edward Burns to bang in his movies.

    HEIGHT POWER.

  • Chris Willman

    I have just discovered my least favorite person.

  • Wiggumx

    Chris Willman, if you are talking about LexG, then you don’t read this blog much…

  • TheGK

    I find LexG’s spaced out slave-to-the-id I-hate-my-life rants one of the attractions on this site.

    But back to the main issue, I’m a 6’6″ guy and my girlfriend is 5’6″. No issues with the height difference for me.

  • medproof

    “when I went to COLLEGE, aka the WORST WASTE OF TIME MONEY AND ENERGY EVER, despite my three degrees, ”

    it’s clear from your outlook that college was wasted on you…

    you overpaid for your three degrees. whatever THEY are.

  • CitizenKanedforChewingGum

    Lex just somehow managed to disparage the equally striking looks of both Salma Hayek and Jessica Rabbit not even in the same post, but in the same sentence.

    Bad form, sir, bad form!

  • qwiggles

    Stewart looks about 5’4″. Nothing freakish or adolescent about that, by women’s height standards. Just small.

  • Abbey Normal

    Lex: If loving Christina Hendricks is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

  • Snoop Marlo

    Duhamel is married in real life to someone shorter than Bell : Fergie. Now, she’s tiny.

  • MilkMan

    5’1 women who want to fuck 6’6 men are badass. I see pics of Klitschko and Hayden Panetierre and I get it. What’s not to get? Every major dude wants a tight fit.

  • b1ffbolt

    I’m not sure I’m clear on the problem here. So if you’re a short runt, like Polanski, it is okay to bang actual 13-yr-olds, but if (heaven forfend!) you are vertically-gifted, you cannot bang mature adults simply because of their heights?

    Alrighty, then.

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