Dreds and Kiss Boots

“The only time I saw Battlefield Earth was at the premiere, which was one too many times,” writes screenwriter J.D. Shapiro in a 3.28 N.Y. Post apology piece. The inspiration was this deeply loathed John Travolta film being recently named the decade’s worst by the Razzie guys.

“Once it was decided that I would share a writing credit, I wanted to use my pseudonym, Sir Nick Knack. I was told I couldn’t do that, because if a writer gets paid over a certain amount of money, they can’t. I could have taken my name completely off the movie, but my agent and attorney talked me out of it. There was a lot of money at stake.

“Now, looking back at the movie with fresh eyes, I can’t help but be strangely proud of it. Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest. In the end, did Scientology get me laid? What do you think? No way do you get any action by boldly going up to a woman and proclaiming, ‘I wrote Battlefield Earth!’”

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53 thoughts on “Dreds and Kiss Boots”

  1. I remember seeing this on opening weekend. I fell asleep at some point during the screening. When I woke up, I saw the faces of my friends, mouths agape, looks of abject horror on their faces.

    A film not even a Scientologist could love.

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  2. You’d think having a decade to look back on the experience he’d have something intersting or insightful to say about it. Instead all we get is lame joke about not getting laid (even the pseudonym is stupid). Apparently the guy is still a shitty writer.

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  3. I had the same experience last night at Hot tub Time Machine. What a lame excuse of a film.

    Hey I’ve got an idea let’s take the hangover and fill it full of scenes directly stolen from other films. When Cusack and the writer laid on the ice looking at the stars and then a few scenes later she whispered a rip off of “met me in Montauk” in his ear, I was pretty much done.

    nothing original…a few funny gross-out gags strung together with other people’s material. I know there are only so many stories and angles, but at least be creative enough to camouflague everything you’ve stolen from others.

    lazy, weak…it literally slurped even though it’s biggest hinted scene actually didn’t

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  4. What is this Hot Tub Time Machine hostility? I was delighted by this film, and so was the audience I saw it with. I know what invention and pizazz and spunky looney shameless humor are, and this movie has it. Don’t try and spin this into some kind of suckfest because that’s bullshit. The people posting this stuff are playing the old contrarian-for-contrarian’s-sake game.

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  5. @shane5

    So, are you seriously saying that a movie with a majority positive reviews is as bad as one of the worst reviewed movies of all-time. Really?

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  6. Re: HTTM

    Let’s take one of the funniest scenes in the movie:

    (1) Gary Coleman forearm joke – stolen directly from 3rd Austin Powers movie.

    (2) Ejaculate on the face joke – very similar to There’s Something about Mary.

    These jokes got big laughs, but it’s still stolen material.

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  7. @ Reelist.

    Reviews Schmeviews – In the end it’s an matter of personal taste. Some people think Burtons Alice is good. I actually even met a guy whose favorite pic was “the Patriot” by Emmerich

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  8. I had a great “Only in LA” moment seeing this up in Burbank when band of about 25 Scientologist trooped in to watch this howler. They stayed through the credits and had a little “how this relates to our beliefs” teaching session afterward.

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  9. Well, I guess it would make sense that if the Oscars can’t really pick the year’s best picture, then the Razzies can’t correctly identify the worst picture of the decade.

    I’m of the mind that a movie so bad it becomes entertaining because of it can’t possibly contend for the worst movie of the last decade. I had a blast watching “Battlefield Earth.” Twenty minutes in, I was delighted there would be 100 additional minutes of its MST3K-esque nonsense.

    You want shit that’s so bad that you feel your life draining? I can name 10 off the top of my head: “Strange Wilderness,” “Envy,” “Get Smart,” “Old Dogs,” “15 Minutes,” “Norbit,” “The Guardian,” “Year One,” “Man of the Year, “Jumper.”

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  11. As an aside, I saw a billboard the other day for CLASH OF THE TITANS showing Liam Neeson and some other bearded guy and it looked for all the world like something promoting BATTLEFIELD EARTH II – lots of beard, hair, armor, and blue tone.

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  12. Nice, Bass. Good point.

    The fact that the best this guy could come up with for a pseudonym is Sir Nick Knack seems to say a lot.

    And Scientology is a screwy cult.

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  13. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE absolutely plays with an audience. It’s a solid B. Comparing it to one of the worst movies of all time is lunacy. That being said, I do wonder if some of us were at all let down by how high Wells was on it.

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  14. Wells accusing someone else of playing contrarian for contrarian’s sake? Laugh of the day. How much did they pay you to pimp Hot Tub Time Machine? Plant.

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  17. I read a thorough synopsis and script review of Battlefield Earth well before the movie was released. It was utterly laughable. I don’t know how involved this guy was with that draft, but it sounded like that ludicrous movie’s problems began on the page.

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  18. yes Spokes, the man who has alienated WB to the point of exile and who has declared war on Speilberg and Peter Jackson, basically proclaiming the LORD OF THE RINGS series to be the nadir of filmmaking, is actually a plant for MGM. Laugh of the day indeed.

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  19. Battlefield Earth had a script? I thought Travolta just channeled The Force from Elron. On a related note, looks like the organization got busted again.

    “No way do you get any action by boldly going up to a woman and proclaiming, ‘I wrote Battlefield Earth!’”

    See, Lex? Not everyone who makes money gets action.

    Nick: What, no Freddie Got Fingered, Juwanna Mann, or DB:E ?

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  20. FREDDIE GOT FINGERED is too much a work of singular insanity to even be considered. One of the great “jesus christ a studio financed this” movies of all time.

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  22. The guy is a bad standup that lucked out with “Robin hood: Men In Tights” falling into the hands of someone that knew how to make a film and probably jettisoned most of his work. All he offers is self flagellation and bad standup in his little treatise. What is his explanation for “National Lampoon’s Pucked” or “I Married Margo” or his new King Arthur spoof, arriving decades too late and didn’t Monty Python tap that sword already? This guy is just like the dude who made “The Room” claiming after the fact that it was intended as a comedy. Sorry, you missed and we scord. Anyone going to the Scientology Center looking to get laid probably is aiming to meet one of two male movie stars that whose marriages sound like science fiction, so mission accomplished dude.

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  23. “Scientology is screwy cult” No less so than the Teabaggers, Travis. Or any of the rest of those on your side.

    Though Hot Tub does steal a lot of other material from other movies and seems thrown together and shot in the studio of the AV room at my old high school, I have to agree with Wells. There are some really inspiring bits in there and it’s pretty damn ballsy for the most part.

    But, oh well. De gustibus non est disputandum

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  25. It’s official. I am deep inside Vinessa’s noodle.

    And I find it hard to imagine that you even have a sense of humor, much less liked “The Hangover”, “Hot Tub..” or any other comedy.

    (“How can you laugh at anything when Haliburton-funded war machines are killing babies in third world countries?!”)

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  26. It’s official. I am deep inside Vinessa’s noodle.

    And I find it hard to imagine that you even have a sense of humor, much less liked “The Hangover”, “Hot Tub..” or any other comedy.

    (“How can you laugh at anything when Haliburton-funded war machines are killing babies in third world countries?!”)

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  27. A post so nice, you posted it twice! Most be those cro-magnon mitts of yours, Crabs. They weren’t made for typin’.

    Though, I have to admit, your last couple of posts here and elsewhere have been pretty amusing.

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  30. 1) HTTM RULES. Very funny.

    2) Saw Battlefield Earth OPENING DAY *and* own it on DVD. I’m pretty sure someone (director? Travolta?) recut it for cable and video… I’d swear Travolta was even loonier in the theatrical version, though I can’t put my finger on anything in particular… I wanna say there were more dialogue bits of his ranting and guffawing– the DVD case even (proudly!) proclaims: “Edited for Video!”

    Anyway, the director also made the not-bad ’80s HBO staple THE SENDER, starring Zjejjajkajjeeljkjjjko Ivanek.

    3) Freddy Got Fingered is a work of supreme genius and would’ve made my top 10 for its awesome year of release.

    JEWELS, BETTY! JEWELS!

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  31. @Nick Rogers: Almost what I was thinking. I believe if someone has the fortitude that Battlefield Earth along with Showgirls should become our new Rocky Horror (Minus songs) I mean can you tell me a better Midnight-goofoff-audience interaction than Battlefield Earth?! It’s so bad it’s genius in ways indescribable.

    I’ll mention a few:

    1. Did you know that 200 hundreds years after Man’s civilized society is destroyed in a mere 10 minutes by an Alien race… a defunct, destroyed, Air Force base would not only still have electrical power (So cavemen types can use simulators to learn to fly fighter jets) but that Jets would not only have fuel but they would turn over and fire-up. Damn the Air Force must use Die Hard Batteries.

    2. Did you know that you can be left on top of a mountain in front of a cave containing a vein of gold and that with nothing more than some pickaxes you could mine pallets full of gold and turn them into ingots in… less than 3 days!

    3. Did you know that to signal a big action scene is taking place you don’t just need Michael Bay Tech or a a rousing John Williams score… nope… you just need two things… a blue filter and tilt the camera to the right then to the left.

    All that a so much more awaits you when you watch Battlefield Earth… the most expensive ($97 or $98 million) epic potential money-making midnight movie ever… well ok it wouldn’t take over Rocky Horror’s record midnight grosses… well unless Travolta re-releases BE in 3D then all bets are off.

    and Nick, add to your list of other losers Bringing Down The House and Runaway Bride.

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  32. You know, I like bad movies, but I got sick of ‘Battlefield Earth’ way before the end of it. Mind you, I did watch it all the way through. And I bought a $5 DVD and watched it again, both times with a few people to make fun of it. And we all felt the same way. By the end, it’s still terrible, but a lot more joyless.

    But, yeah, there are plenty of worse movies, just as I imagine there were worse performances than Bullock’s last year.

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  33. HTTM was okay. It was a thumbs-sideways. Hangover was better.

    Battlefield Earth, while terrible, was not the worst movie of a decade that had Uwe Boll, Stephen Dorff and Miss March.

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  34. Lex, you are correct. Battlefield Earth was recut for DVD, with less of Travolta’s over-the-top stuff (“Unfortunately…I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!”) and more Barry Pepper. It’s a lot less fun than the theatrical version, which I can’t imagine will ever be sufficiently in demand to show up in its original form.

    Also, the original book is so damn stupid I can’t imagine anyone thought a great movie could be made of it. The movie is actually MORE entertaining than Hubbard’s tedious, inept prose.

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  35. Lex, you are correct. Battlefield Earth was recut for DVD, with less of Travolta’s over-the-top stuff (“Unfortunately…I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!”) and more Barry Pepper. It’s a lot less fun than the theatrical version, which I can’t imagine will ever be sufficiently in demand to show up in its original form.

    Also, the original book is so damn stupid I can’t imagine anyone thought a great movie could be made of it. The movie is actually MORE entertaining than Hubbard’s tedious, inept prose.

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  38. I’d pay to see a comedy about a screenwriter signing up for an L Ron movie just to screw Scientologists and hang out with dingbat actors

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  40. Lou for Best Supporting Actor indeed, and if they’re going to do away with Best Song this year, how about Home Sweet Home for Best Where Have you Been All My Life Metal Ballad

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  41. DeeZee: I agree with Burma about “Freddy Got Fingered.” I saw that on opening night in college to a quarter-full theater that saw a fair progression of walkouts. Personally, I admired the studio con job Tom Green pulled, but I would never, ever recommend it to anyone else. “Juwanna Mann” is bad. Never saw “Dragonball: Evolution,” which I’m guessing is what DB:E stands for.

    Atticus: “House” is awful, a movie of which Steve Martin should be ashamed instead of cracking “sequel money” jokes with Queen Latifah. “Bride” is bad, too, although out of the 2000s by virtue of a few months.

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  42. “I see the problem. You have a LITTLE BABY inside you!”

    Freddy Got Fingered = funniest movie ever made.

    Green on his oversized business phone ranting about Deutschmarks is pure comic genius. So is the Backwards Man.

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  44. Well, ok, if we’re gonna open up, then I’ll admit I have a soft spot for certain parts of The Underground Comedy Movie.

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  45. -DADDY WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUSAGE?

    -I’m gonna make you proud, Dad. HEY GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY!

    -I’ve found a treasure, we can live like kings!

    -That’s soap on a rope.

    Freddy got fingered is hilarious and definitely rewatchable, it seems to float around on cable quite a bit. It’s triumph is that it still gets talked about today, which you can’t say about most of the other generic gross-out comedies that came out around the same time like Tomcats, Say it isn’t so, and Slackers, etc.

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