36 thoughts on “Perfect

  1. “I don’t get this ‘Onion’ thing you people read. Is it news? It’s not very up to date if it is. Is it supposed to be funny? Whatever. I like my comedy, but this is awful. And I never cared for comics who work blue. What, you can’t be funny without using a cuss word every two seconds? It’s like those colored comedians that are all over the place now. Makes me wanna tear my hair out.”

    - Edward

  2. Sayonara, Hollywood Elsewhere. This site has become way too nasty and malicious for me. Once you were top cat with your reporting and views. Now you’re just mean.

  3. I would actually like to see Paltrow come back, maybe like her mom did, and kick some serious supporting character butt. Maybe it’ll happen. I liked her a lot in Proof. I’m also in the minority who happen to like her in Ripley. She does reveal too much in interviews. She should shut up and work a little more. Maybe she was under the influence of Madonna, who apparently is no longer her BFF.

  4. Yeah, not really worth the time it took to slog through the annoying commercial at the start. I don’t mind Gwyneth. Hating on her is so 1995.

    This just wasn’t funny – not up to the usual Onion level of excellence.

    The only part I liked were the clips of the fanboys speculating how it might go down. THAT was funny.

  5. Wow, I did not expect the squareness to have ever gotten this bad. We’ve all admonished Wells, some of us recently, but my god, what a bunch of pussies.

  6. GP has been getting a lot of hate lately. I was overseas last week, and the one American radio channel I could get ragged on her hard for 20 straight minutes. I don’t mind gossip, but it went overboard even for me. Is GOOP really THAT pretentious?

    I mean, she’s worked this decade, but really has only been “seen” in one movie since 2002, and that was a likable turn in a highly likable film. A lot of the people hating on her weren’t even in high school when she was an actual movie star.

    How does Heigl skate by, while GP takes it on the chin?

  7. bachelorcool wrote: Sayonara, Hollywood Elsewhere. This site has become way too nasty and malicious for me. Once you were top cat with your reporting and views. Now you’re just mean.

    I’ll alert the media.

  8. It’s the fucking Onion, people!!!!

    Je-Zus lighten up.

    For the record, I don’t have a problem with Gweny at all. It’s still funny, though. Really funny, actually. Besides, I think it’s making more of a reference to the fanboy/geek’s problems with Paltrow in the first Iron Man movie than her as a person or her other work.

    If you wussies really wanna cry over the Onion’s meanness check out their story about the FBI warning us about the Sex and the City sequel.

    And for godssakes don’t read The Hater section. You’ll probably burst into tears and beg someone to hold you.

  9. Last night in the space of 10 minutes I saw FOUR commercials with “Iron Man 2″ tie-ins: Dr Pepper, Burger King, Audi and 7-Eleven.

  10. Paltrow in FLESH AND BONE was SO HOT. Didn’t have any pretentious baggage at the time, plus this was coming off of the late 80s. If you remember the late 80s, it was a DARK DAY for ogling women. Kaned with go with me on this. If your high school years were 1987-1991, as mine were, this was supposed to be THE PRIME OF YOUR LIFE, and us Gen Xers were stuck going through our horned-up adolescence in a time when women wore fucking REEBOK SNEAKERS with WHITE TUBE SOCKS, acid-washed jeans, fucking BAGGY SHIRTS, Saved by the Bell style oversized ersatz spray paint shit, JELLY SHOES, BIG STUPID GLASSES, hoop earrings, overalls, CROSS COLOURS JACKETS, and had fucking Jersey hair like you wouldn’t believe.

    As a wise man once said: TIME OF YOUR LIFE, EH, KID?

    Not two or three years later, this little slice of youthful perfection that was the 1993 Paltrow rolls into “Flesh and Bone” rocking DAISY DUKES, greasy straight hair, super clunky cloggy fetish heels, showing just endless long legs. Might’ve had a belly shirt on too. And I was like, Ho, hold on, where the fuck was THAT when I was in high school and could bang chicks???? And even though I was in college, fashions took a few extra years to make it to the heartland, so chicks were still bundled up in OVERSIZED SORORITY SWEATSHIRTS and stupid fucking JEANS and Doc Martens.

    By the time the greasy straight hair and foot fetishism and Daisy Dukes and MIDRIFFS hit the scene for good, I was in my mid 20s and a working stiff and in a relationship., and I missed out on that WHOLE GREAT ERA OF HIP HUGGER JEANS chicks with the GREASED ABS. And best of all, the STRAIGHT, GREASY HAIR. Which Paltrow PRESAGED (good word) in FLESH AND BONE. More like FLESH AND BONER. So for that we should all be eternally grateful for her fashion sense.

    I’m grateful that women still walk around in flimsy fetish shoes and booty shorts and all, but at pushing-40 it’s all so unattainable now.

    Paltrow, Fashion Icon.

    FIN.

  11. idgaf, i’d hit that so hard i’d break her pelvis. yeah, she’s pretentious and has obnoxious eating habits–so what? none of that takes away from the fact that she’s still hot and has some of the most incredible legs in the business. hating on her seems to be the province of catty queens like that guy at e! who used to call her fishstick or whatever. what was his name? ted jazzanova or some shit?

  12. Ted Casablanca! That guy was so awesomely smarmy!

    Yeah, seriously, Paltrow’s body is SMOKING.

    Also I wanna say in Great Expectations she had a lotta scenes where she puts her feet up behind her on a bed, aka the single hottest thing a woman can EVER do.

  13. ” . . . WHOLE GREAT ERA OF HIP HUGGER JEANS chicks with the GREASED ABS.”

    greased abs? greased abs, ellen page, an attraction to boyish, waifish teen girls–you really need to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself some deep questions about who you are, dude.

  14. I meant like Christina Aguilera, Keira Knightley abs, dumb-ass. Everyone who’s straight knows what I’m talking about. Jesus Christ.

    Also that post was so great I’m still giddy over it.

    Maybe Gwyneth will link to it on her site.

  15. I’m probably overly PC, but I don’t find this meme funny. At all.

    If Pepper does get hit in the movie, I’m already dreading seeing this in the theater when the inevitable “ooohs,” “aaahs,” or cackles emanate from the audience.

    What is it in our culture that makes this funny? You don’t like Gwyneth Paltrow. Fine. We get it. But is the level of dislike worthy of this level of sadism? What the hell did she do to any of these people? Say something vapid or oblivious? She’s an actress. She’s not Osama Bin Laden. Jeez, to reflect on the usual pitchfork sentiment around here, she’s not even Roman Polanski.

    Maybe I’m wrong, but there seems to be a slightly misogynist tint in the glee expressed by some on the internet over this, and it really bothers me. I guess I should be for equal-opportunity clobbering of women and men who “have it coming,” but really I don’t get any joy out of the hypothetical bashing of any human being. Just one guy’s opinion.

  16. Gwyneth looked so good in Iron Man 1, I forgot how hot she was after so many years. Judging by the trailers we’re in for a let down for part 2.

  17. “Jeez, to reflect on the usual pitchfork sentiment around here, she’s not even Roman Polanski.”

    Raped. An. Affleck.

    But seriously, I can’t really get behind the whole “Paltrow is smokin’ movement”. She’s never really done anything for me in that sense — esp. not while blonde, ugh — and YouTubing clip of that obscure ’80s movie did absolutely nothing to change my tune. Plus, her feet really aren’t that great. Too flat (not enough arch definition), and her toes are too long (esp. in relation to her sole). Not nearly as fugly as Paris Hilton’s peds — size 11, incredibly (flesh and) boney, borderline manly — but the general structure is similar.

    Yeah, the general style of the late 80s/early 90s was definitely cock-inverting. I’ll blame Reagan and hip-hop for the lack of bare flesh. That’s probably the first time anyone’s ever linked Ronnie that closely to the likes of Flava Flav, but there you have it. Luckily for me, I was just starting high school when most of these trends were on their way out.

  18. I used to hate her back in the day, but Favreau redeemed her in my eyes.

    Phreaker: More like hating on her is so “most of her career post-Shakespeare in Love”.

    Lex: So you’re saying even Tiffany Amber Thiessen on Saved by the Bell didn’t do it for you?

  19. Paris has good ankles though, and a pleasing arch. Plus they’re a nice shade of golden. Paltrow’s are pretty good… you are wrong.

  20. I don’t like Paltrow’s supposed diva-like behavior, or what I’ve seen of her website, but I’ve always thought she was a talented actress, starting from FLESH AND BONE. Sure, she’s made some misfires – A VIEW FROM THE TOP is pretty bad, and DUETS, instead of being fun or, at the very least, a guilty pleasure, was just bad – but she’s made some good ones as well (I like her in RIPLEY, as well as ROYAL TENENBAUMS, SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE, and most recently, the first IRON MAN and TWO LOVERS). I get that part of the hate towards her comes from people still upset she won the Oscar over Cate Blanchett (certainly, I think Blanchett was better, but Paltrow was still good), but I’ve always been puzzled by the Gwyneth hate otherwise. Then again, I’m one of the few people who actually thought SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW was entertaining (at least until the ending), so what do I know.

  21. Ankles are fine. However, I prefer my arches more St. Louis than McDonald’s…

    I could continue debating you, but I think it’s probably best if that concludes my participation in this thread.

  22. I don’t think people hate her post-Shakespeare in Love. Does anyone think of her enough to hate her? I thought people only hated those on top. Clearly Gwyneth has had a bit of struggle to get any decent parts at all so why the spew?

    And there are things I like about GOOP. The food section is pretty great. She takes shit for it – rises above the shit and goes on with her life. Anyone with a fucking computer can have a site like GOOP. She makes no money, takes no endorsements and seeks only to brings things she likes to whomever wishes to look at them.

    It sure beats trending #BOING on Twitter for a 48-hour blog like Jim Carrey is doing.

  23. I had a gander at GOOP just now, and it looks fairly harmless. Just recipes and clothes and all that stuff that the ladies love.

    A lot of people hate her husband too. I don’t know why. Even if his music isn’t your cup of tea, he seems like a fairly self-deprecating, humorous person.

    Perhaps a couple just too milquetoast (copyright LexG) for widespread popularity.

  24. Gwyneth Paltrow is a great actress, beautiful, and totally fucking sexy. She married a “rock” star (I don’t know what else to call that syrupy turd) and dated one of the all-time iconic himbo actors. Her shit squared away and mighty tight. Obviously. Hating her is tantamount to pissing in the wind. You might feel a sense of relief, but you’re also completely wet.

  25. Boy, Lex has it nailed. It sucked hard being a horned up teen in the late eighties with the paucity of quality sexpots. Christ, we had to deal with Debbie Gibson in floppy hats and Oxford shirts. If I saw Shakira’s She-Wolf video when I was 16 my head would have exploded.

    Oh, and this Onion video is ASS. Not even a smirk. Normally I howl at Onion videos, but this was dire.

  26. Motherhood’s impact has definitely worked out better for GP than Liv Tyler.

    Still, things would be better for Gwyneth if she did some more work. She did nothing in 09.

    Also good to see MilkMan back and posting.

  27. She’s great at playing white trash. I’m thinking of TWO LOVERS and HARD EIGHT…I guess I have to see FLESH & BONE. That Mario Battali PBS show she did was painful. But all of the other people on it were so annoying that she was the fourth worst person on it.

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