Worst People in the World
I’m sitting in a little joint on Second Avenue near 11th Street, trying to do a little work and savor the warm mid-afternoon air. But I can’t. I have to pack up and leave. A group of hysterical shriekers sat down about ten or twelve minutes ago — okay, a shrieking man and a cackling woman accompanied by two hee-hee-ers — and all I want to do is see one of them choke to death on a piece of ham. Or…you know, be garroted by one of the waiters.
It has to be said again because this trend isn’t ebbing — it’s getting worse. There’s nothing quite as awful to me (and others, I presume) as people who laugh like drunken coyotes or wild orgasm dogs in restaurants. The key component in any display of obnoxious public behavior is being utterly oblivious to the possibility that you might be offending others. Clearly such a thought hasn’t occured to the gang sitting next to me now. It’s almost as if they’re getting off in some Marquis de Sade-ish way by bludgeoning people with their hideous gaiety.
I for one have never made other people miserable by laughing loudly — not once. I have never howled or shrieked or thrown my head back and made the paint chip and flake off the wall from my ecstatic gales. And if I’m with a large group that is starting to get louder and louder so as to cause discomfort in others, I’ll politely excuse myself.
My dream job if I wasn’t writing this column would be to join a secret government group modelled on the East German Stasi. Our whole thing would be to go from restaurant to restaurant and surreptitiously video-record offensive shriekers, and then get their info and get into their lives and their tax records and proceed to make them so miserable that they’d be willing to fink on others. And that’s when the fun would start.
Slow traffic day again, I see.
Are they clapping while they are laughing? That is always an unforgivable transgression.
Actually, no — a miserable time being had in a Second Ave. cafe. What…you’re indifferent to this? Shriekers are fine in your book? That means you may be one of them, Bilge, or your girlfriend is or something like that. I’m already thinking like the Stasi.
Jeff, have you never laughed loudly? If you have, you have no idea whether or not it made others miserable (it probably didn’t). If you haven’t, I truly pity you.
Also, please note, they are in a “little joint on Second Ave” to have a good time, germane to the location and purpose of said joint. You, on the other hand, are there with a laptop by yourself. They are probably wondering “Who is this miserable fuck and why is he scowling and parading his misery on a Friday afternoon while the rest of the us are trying to start the weekend?”
This ongoing death spiral of mood pockets cannot end well.
Don’t listen to them Jeff, this is a funny rant.
You really are a piece of work. It used to be entertaining, now it’s just sad. Railing against posters who even hint at disrespect, as your own content continues to devolve deeper into hatred and intolerance.
I can just see you sitting at your table with a smug look of incredulity as people actually LIVING happy, fulfilled lives are looked down on for daring to experience happiness.
Can you imagine what the world would be LIKE filled with people like you?? My god, I shudder.
This ongoing death spiral of mood pockets cannot end well.
Can I get a fucking fork for my mood pocket cake please?
I’ll grant it can be annoying when it happens, but I really don’t run into this particular problem too often. Certainly not frequently enough that it makes me want to join the enforcement branch of a Fascist state apparatus.
And I actually think my wife would be on your side in this debate. But I might let her speak for herself, since she’s been known to comment here, albeit rarely.
Oh, man, this is a great Wells moment.
You know who does this worst of anyone, and it fills me with this level of rage:
Anytime you seem a group out and about that consists of TWO MEN AND ONE WOMAN.
This is the deadliest configuration of humans the world has ever known. Two dudes in BASEBALL HATS and shorts with their MOUTHY CHICK FRIEND. I never, ever, never get this— at what point in your life have you ever been out with one of your male friends and some hot, loud, stupid chick? I say FUCK THAT, if I’m anywhere near a hot chick, I don’t want any other dude in the mix. So when I see this, I instantly assume either or both dudes are way into the woman, and she totally knows it and is milking it for all it’s worth.
Because rule #1: MEN AND WOMEN CANNOT BE FRIENDS, EVER.
But something about this grouping, like if there’s a roommate situation where two men and one women are together, and they DO THEIR SHOPPING TOGETHER, they are always, always LOUD and OBNOXIOUS, the chick is always stupid as fuck (and usually has a gravely voice) and none of the three can go in public without making a big, annoying spectacle of themselves.
And they always have stupid laughs and the dudes always have a dumb, deep voice. And fucking baseball hats.
Fuck a hat.
Happy people don’t shriek like idiots in small cafes in the East Village.I can picture the group now: Kathy Najimy type, stocky Asian guy in a suit with a buzz cut, Ann Heche’s bigger, uglier sister, and Adrien Brody’s gay bald cousin.
There’s your problem right there. You’re in Greenwich Village. I hated going in to Greenwich Village when I lived on the Upper East Side. Too many fucking idiots, poseurs and jive turkeys.
“fuck a hat”
with hair like yours?
that’s like Wells saying fuck Just for Men.
I’ve been to many cities in many different countries, and I’ve felt all kinds of different modes of joy and laughter and togetherness. And all of this without anyone shrieking like African animals. I take that back, actually — no animal shrieks as loudly as the assholes sitting next to me, You’d be amazed, Ryans151 and bcmcintire, how nice it can be without the company of obnoxious howlers. I presume, naturally, that you’re shriekers yourselves, or are friendly with shriekers whom you hang with on weekends or something like that. In which case you are going after me because you are part of the social pestilence.
Watch it, douchebag.
Also try using proper capitalization.
jive turkeys? Of course the East Village and Greenwhich Village are two totally different things. The last time Havens must’ve been in “Greenwich Village” was when he saw Southside Johnny at the Bottom Line.
That “douchebag” was aimed at Ryans151, obviously, not Jeff.
Bahahahaha this rant is priceless. Hang it on a wall. It’s completely true. It’s like that scene in Amelie when the blonde woman cackles like a hyena in the cafe and Dominique Pinon says “she laughs orgasmically to attract alpha male.”
obviously.
it should be on your business card.
Wow, I wonder if one of those people was my brother? Drunken coyotes? Orgasm dogs? Priceless.
This read’s like one of John Doe’s diary entries in Seven.
You know Jeff, for all that you didn’t like “The Killer Inside Me,” you’re startin’ to sound a little like one of Jim Thompson’s first person narrators. “I never did that. Not me. You’d never see me doing that.” And so on. Or maybe it’s more a first-person version of Lionel Stander’s narration in “Blast of Silence.” It’s funny how you go from how everybody else has to “float with” whatever the hell you do…and you wanting the same everybody else to be “garroted by one of the waiters” when they’re up to something you don’t like. And if you get your wishes, eventually it’s gonna be just you and that waiter, and then what’ll you do…?
>Because rule #1: MEN AND WOMEN CANNOT BE FRIENDS, EVER.
Caps don’t make it true.
The Harry Met Sally factor can infect relations some of the time, but there have been fruitful, platonic, productive cross-sex friendships since long before you were posting edgy rants on the Internet.
Please note, no mention of political affiliation, since with the current location these idiots are no doubt liberals (just yanking your leg..)
This is actually one area where we agree wholeheartedly. I actually do get uncomfortable as well if I’m with the group that is clearly disruptive and lacking self awareness.
Similarly, what about the people on the subway with the Ipod turned up so loudly that I CAN CLEARLY HEAR THE LYRICS to the song they’re listening to? How can anybody not know that’s happening?
I am a shrieker… a belly-laugher… a man who speaks in all caps at times in the heat of the moment. My father made me ashamed of this fact. I won’t let Wells (or his father) do the same.
Fun.
More credible:
the Pope giving marriage advice or Lex’s theories on male-female relationships?
I have lived my whole life trying to be the polite one – lead by example – don’t make a scene. It always sets my mood off and makes my time miserable when there are braying attention-wanting show-offs in a public place (even the street).
The more I think about it, the only one who seems to not be enjoying themself is me. Maybe trying to be controlled is the wrong approach. Maybe they have it right. Maybe I should have eaten Burger King for breakfast and had crumbs of it fall out of my mouth while I talked on my cell phone while walking down the sidewalk and maybe I should have turned my stereo so loud that my subwoofers rattled the walls of my apartment and smoked dope so the skunky-ass smoke went under my neighbors’ doors.
Life is short – too short to lose time and happiness to the backward hats and texters. I cannot beat them…so how can I fix myself so I am like them.
^^ alcohol helps.
Would anyone be surprised if, a couple weeks from now, you went to IndieWire or somesuch place and find out that Jeff is in the hospital after getting a vicious beat down in some little joint near 2nd & 11th? Or that he was walking in Central Park and called someone a “pachyderm” or “hip hop homey” and said person broke Jeff’s hip in retaliation? That’s what I think about when I read these “get off my lawn” posts.
Eloi Wrath’s comment is lulz.
I think the most telling line is this; “Only people who are animals at heart — people from slovenly, low-rent homes — commit this offense. ”
For all his thrashing and wailing against middle america and plebeian tastes, what Jeff Wells hates is poor people. Whatever perceived crime against the movie godz is crawling up his butt, he always manages to chalk it up to the terrible, frightening, uncouth working class.
He’s not only proud of being a total elitist, he wants to fight about it, getting on his digital soapbox and screaming about “low thread counts” and people laughing too much during a Friday happy hour.
This is seriously the greatest website on the internet.
A lobotomy is the only way, Smedley.
Remember some dude invented a remote control device that disrupts the signals of cell phones? I wish there was a similar device that would inflict stabbing pains into the eyeballs of loud laughers.
Karma bites you in the ass again.
Glenn Kenny really has a hard-on for Wells. He’s starting to come off like De Niro in ‘The Fan.’ I hope he doesn’t sell knives as a day job!
People sitting in cafes trying to get work done are also obnoxious and irritating. You’re trying to set up your own little impermeable thought bubble while competing for the psychic space and losing, that’s all. This is nothing new. Your psychic space makes noise of its own variety and it is not somehow more pleasant and amenable than that of the laughing jackals. It is annoying on its own level, not to mention that you’re broadcasting it to tens of people on the internet. Simple solution, go elsewhere.
It’s nothing new that people are obnoxious and irritating. Why must it continually be a topic of conversation, as if oneself is somehow above those characteristics? Oneself is NOT above those characteristics. Failing to know this and, in fact, believing otherwise triples the fault.
For the record, Mr. Prager, a jive turkey is just another way of saying someone is a bullshitter. Someone who talks the talk but cannot walk the walk. Which just about describes 97% of the people who live in the Village.
Wells is a died-in-the-wool laughing-quietly-to-himself guy. And not just at comedies, but apparently in life.
What an unhappy fuck.
Have a GREAT weekend, Jeff!
Can I please join your Stasi? I’d love to punish people for simply being annoying.
I know that if I was sitting next to a group of folks who were laughing very loudly for an extended time I would probably have to agree with Jeff.
However, since this is entry #687 in Jeff’s Diaries of an Incipient Curmudgeon, my first reaction is happy people simply piss Jeff off.
Havens…How much do you want to bet that the people in that cafe were from the Upper East Side?
Unfortunately, it’s difficult to take issue with the sentiment of this post. However, I detect an implicit suggestion that this behavior is unique among Luddites and, as Jeff would call them, “knuckle-draggers” who simply don’t know better than to infringe upon others with their behavior. I sat for 20 minutes in a press and industry screening at the Tribeca Film Festival last weekend waiting for the film to start while a presumably “with it” member of the press prattled so loudly to her companion that the entire room had no choice but to listen to the conversation. Ignoring irritated glares and glances, she proceeded to detail the personal lives of each of her children, as well as to voice her opinions on each of the films she’d yet seen, and with a discourse on the current state of the music industry thrown in for good measure. This behavior is now “getting worse” by also now including those who should seemingly know better.
I’d bet it was zero, Mr. Prager. UESers don’t need to go slumming below 34th Street. They enough shitty bars and coffee shops of their own.
Glenn, stop falling for it!
Wellsian hypocrisy is the banana peel for commenter shenanigans.
Also, Prager slays me with the extra details.
Jeff, you seriously need to get some friends.
It’s a joke how many “UESers” take cabs down to the East Village on the weekend. Wealthier than the bridge and tunnel crowd (their mommies and daddies help them with their rent), they can afford these cab rides and the 8 dollar beers and 14 dollar cocktails at the downtown “clubs” that cater almost exclusively to these suburban boobs. If they are not going downtown, they are coming uptown from Wall Street. This is the crowd that Wells probably happened upon. By Saturday afternoon it will be a bad memory, as they try to wolf down an oversized, overdone Essa Bagel and a diet Coke. And then it’s on to the next thing. A Hamptons share, probably, since spending a whole weekend on the Upper East SIde is way too depressing.
“The Harry Met Sally factor can infect relations some of the time, but there have been fruitful, platonic, productive cross-sex friendships since long before you were posting edgy rants on the Internet.”
Only if one and/or both of the parties involved are gay (“fruitful,” alright!), or finds the other person sexually unappealing.
Or they’re just too cowardly to act on their baser impulses.
Lex is pretty much dead-on here, despite how much the milquetoasts (DING!) might protest (“but, but…she enriches my life!”).
I truly like what’s unspoken here for fear of…well, fear of lots of things.
For example, if you’re on the subway in NY, and it is as peaceful as a subway car can get, when all of a sudden the peace is broken by the loud talking and yelling and cursing of a group of passengers that just got on. Now we all know what these passengers look like and where they’re from, but to say such an obvious truth is to be labelled a very bad word.
A pity… but fitting for a Liberal like Wells to be confronted with such people. I thought the Leftist mantra is “don’t judge.”
What would this Stasi group’s logo be? Someone being punched in the teeth?
“You are part of the social pestilence.”
- Jeffrey Wells’ epitaph.
Poor people are usually pretty fucking stupid.
“More credible:
the Pope giving marriage advice or Lex’s theories on male-female relationships?”
Hey, douchebag, I’ve been in years-long relationships that probably would’ve been considered common-law marriages.
You don’t know me, so fuck off.
And there are two types of women to any straight dude:
Chicks you’ve banged, and chicks you haven’t banged yet.
Fuck friends.
I guess it’s appropriate threequel curse happens before the “end” of the world.
Via Brian Ruh, Beck rips off Kids in the Hall?
David O. Russell no longer nailed by development hell?
Krasinski and Barrymore in a whale of a tale?
Via Scott Green, chickens finally coming home to roost?
Vaughn comes crawling back to X-Men?
DeeZee, no one cares.
Christ am I in a bad fucking mood today.
No one in the history of the history of the history of the world ever ever ever in the history of anything has needed to get laid worse than I need it now. We’re talking first-term Bush being the last time I touched a woman.
I want to jump off a fucking bridge.
If anyone knows a safe prostitute, e-me.
Has Thunderballer ever read Wells’ Hispanic Party elephant posts? I guess not. But that was last year, when Thunderballs was in the clink from that Craigslist thing. Better catch up on HE lore, Thunderballs!
We need a weary, wired, sweating, tuxedoed Jerry Lewis imploring the HE community right now.
“People. We can DO it. Just one hundred comments. That’s all we’re asking. We’re already to …. what is it now?… FIFTY THREE comments.”
(applause)
“If a thread about some chick not wanting her picture taken can get to ninety comments SURELY we can hit a hundred. Let’s do this!”
(music swells)
“….and you’ll never walk alone again!”
“Hey, douchebag, I’ve been in years-long relationships that probably would’ve been considered common-law marriages.”
you’re so honest and all Lex, when’s the last time you got laid without paying for it?
Lex, when will you learn that not everyone has the same experience as you?
Some of my best friends are women. There are some that it’s strictly platonic and there’s no romantic or sexual subtext whatsoever. There are some that I’m also attracted to, which has no effect on our friendship. I’m not friends with them in order to bang them. That’s ridiculous.
And if you say the platonic ones must be ugly, I will hunt you down like a fucking velociraptor.
guess i shoudlve just read your post above. sorry. but, about what i wouldve guessed.
at least youre looking at porn all day. that must help.
ahahahahhahahaahahahhaa.
The most obnoxious people I see in restaurants, cafes, etc are the well-heeled. To say people from low-rent homes are by their very nature slovenly and rude is disgusting and smacks of bigotry. But hey, it’s your site. Most people in the biz recognize you for who and what you are.
Jeffrey, before you launch your surreptitious hit-squad on restaurant shriekers, since you care about film, please consider first forming an elite group that performs Silent Ninja Death Moves on movie-theater yakkers and texters.
Those of us not invited to advance screenings and film fests are having to endure increasingly outrageous public behavior by moviegoers.
And just like ManhattanMadcap says, it doesn’t matter if you’re catching the #1 Box Office film or an art-houser with subtitles, chances are, you’re going to encounter at least one fellow audience member who’d be better placed in a zoo.
“Any display of obnoxious public behavior is being utterly oblivious to the possibility that you might be offending others.”
I totally agree, but one could argue (and I am) that this same self-centeredness allows you to see someone taking a photo on the streets of New York and to “walk right the fuck in front of them every time.” Not only do you dismiss the natural instinct to acknowledge others around you, you reject this kind of politeness as being “tediously mundane and American middle-class.” What’s more, according to you, those who pause “don’t get it.” They’re lower than low. They’re oafs.
Except now when you’re the put upon party, it’s another volley in the cultural war.
Hypocrite.
I’m baffled at guys having chick friends they don’t want to have sex with. Every girl I’ve become friends with has been because I’ve wanted to get laid and my sad little brain can’t come up with anything better than the friend routine.
Forget “a stranger’s just a friend you haven’t met,” it should be “a chick friend’s just a girl you haven’t fucked.”
You’re all LIARS if you say different. LIARS!
It’s ok, Wells. They hate you too.
“Any display of obnoxious public behavior is being utterly oblivious to the possibility that you might be offending others.”
Such as groaning loudly and mumbling to yourself in the middle of a crowded movie theater?
Whenever I read a post like this from Jeff, I think of two things. One is Fran Leibowitz’s salient observation that “Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving your house.” The second is that — while I know the cult-of-personality stuff is why we come here, of course, of course — I have to wonder if I am alone in saying that the site is better when Jeff is speaking from love of movies, or dislike of movies, as opposed to this sour-seeming rancor, probably intended as comedy, that I find it nearly impossible to reconcile with the good-humored, patient Jeff Wells I know from our meetings and discussions?
I was on a redeye flight last night and was subjected to several loud talkers around me. The common denominator is a lack of common courtesy; you simply don’t consider the effects of your actions on others, and it is indeed animalistic.
Said offender spoke to its portly mate in a near-yell, despite almost everyone in the vicinity trying to sleep. The wife-creature reclined her seatback all the way down into my space, and very abruptly as well. Then they spoke slowly and bellowed great “huh huh huhs” between moronic banalities.
“The wife-creature reclined her seatback all the way down into my space, and very abruptly as well.”
I hate this so much. I rarely recline my seat, such is my concern for the comfort of the person behind me, but even when I do I make sure it’s a slow, gradual movement. Those motherfuckers that slam it backwards, especially when drinks have recently been served, should be shot in the head by the air marshal.
Perhaps if you didn’t feel obligated to be seen working you wouldn’t contend with these types.
Ooh, I wish I had seen this earlier, because then I could have said “Wells has officially turned into Shelley Berman in the Twilight Zone episode ‘The Mind and the Matter.’”
But I’m late to the party so no one will read this.
Not getting any emails with leads on escorts.
Don’t like half you guys work in the film biz? Shit, do a brother a solid for once.
Of course I’ll totally chicken out and not go through with it anyway. I generally go around angry at the entire world and hating everyone, because somehow THEY ARE HAPPY, and that PISSES ME OFF.
POSITIVE, ENTHUSIASTIC PEOPLE ARE STUPID PEOPLE. How the fuck do you go through life happy and guffawing if YOU ARE NOT RICH OR FAMOUS? Like I can see why Tom Cruise is giddy and earnest and optimistic at all times. He HAS EVERYTHING THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER.
Anyone shy of Cruise? Take a cue from the Japanese and have some goddamn modesty and shamefulness. You are NOTHING and your LIFE is bullshit, your experiences are worthless, and no one will remember you.
Fame is the ONLY THING in life worth revering. Why is it so fucking hard to get famous?
I would blow a yak on fucking YouTube tonight if I thought it would make me famous enough to get on a reality show or meet Paris Hilton.
The worst people in the world are the unflinchingly redundant ones. I’m looking directly at you LexG and JeffW.
worth a shot. nothing ventured nothing gained.
I’ll help with the telethon.
Anyone surprised Wells’ dream job involves bringing misery to others?
At the same time, reading these type of posts is one reason HE is a daily read. Next time, though, walk up to them and ask “What is so shriekingly funny?” and report on their reaction.
Blockbuster thread. At the end of a slow week by HE standards, Wells brings the A-game and gets a healthy hit count as a result.
It’s HE Friday Night. Lex is getting drunk; let’s join him. I’ve some Sierra Nevada Summer Ale.
WE ARE MARSHALL is on TNT. I’ve never seen it before. MATTHEW FOX POWER.
If I could get just A LITTLE BIT FAMOUS, like freakshow famous, I might get to meet Lindsay Lohan.
It’s time to submit my yearly audition video for BIG BROTHER– have applied the last four seasons to no avail. Last year I got in the room and I thought I fucking KILLED it, the producers were rolling and I was riffing about how I’m a 36 year old dude who needs pussy and wants to sexually harrass all the bikini girls in the house and I did a little LEXG for them, just ranting about my OCD and how I’m GUARANTEED THE MOST INSANE PERSON you will ever find to be on camera 24/7, the other houseguests will be racing up walls to get the fuck out of there, I can unleash an avalanche of misery and hostility and pent-up rage that would make Tom Sizemore step back in awe….
But I didn’t make the cut. As always. Because I’m balding and look bad in a bathing suit. Anyone know when the next SURVIVOR audition is?
I’ve gone down the list, but the CBS shows are my favorite. I might audition for BIGGEST LOSER next time, but that’s not a good showcase for explosions and rantings and sexual dysfunction.
But if anyone here casts ANY reality show, however sleazy, e-me.
“I would blow a yak on fucking YouTube tonight if I thought it would make me famous enough to get on a reality show or meet Paris Hilton.”
There should be at least a couple of people in LA who can arrange this. Put out your personalized bat-signal of you blowing a yak.
I also think it would be pretty cool if NYC waiters had garrotes on them at all times to use on particularly obnoxious customers. But I don’t know when they’d have time to actually serve the food.
We Are Marshall has a great cast. Matthew Fox Power. Matthew McConaughey. Ian McShane. David Straithairn. The hot girl from Shooter. Anthony Mackie. The other guy from Hurt Locker who isn’t Renner.
January Jones.
Eloi: I’m not drunk. I never drink on Fridays.
It is an IRON-CLAD RULE.
NDF. Never Drink Fridays.
Best thing about WE ARE MARSHALL is Kate Motherfucking Mara, Firecrotch Goddess. SO HOT.
It hurts so much that some people are so beautiful and get to be happy in life, and I don’t have a single waking minute where I’m not hating myself, and by extension the rest of the planet.
I am destined to walk alone.
In that way I’m like Mad Max. A tubby, male-pattern-baldness-ridden, alcoholic, suicidally depressed, sexually dysfunctional, debt-ridden Mad Max who drives a 1990 Taurus in a city where every 16-year-old Armenian kid has a $200,000 Lexus.
Lex, why not settle for a nice girl who isn’t famous or even all that hot, but that likes the same stuff you do (I mean, for real, not the whole fame and fortune act)? I have a friend that met someone on eHarmony or some other thing, they clicked, and now have two kids and a nice apartment together in Santa Monica. A decent life, loving, purposeful. Meaning. I can see how much they love each other, and all it was was their mutual love of MLB, esp. the Dodgers.
Seriously.
And going back to obnoxious theatre behavior, a friend reported that while trying to watch a documentary at a local arthouse (I think it was Food Inc), this guy a few seats over starts clipping his nails. That was a new one on me. That’s, like, blizarre shit there.
I can’t remember if it was eHarmony or Match.com, but one of those wouldn’t even let me join because they said based on my information there was no earthly way they could find me a proper chick. I think it’s all the stupid religious questions. I’m an atheist.
I don’t want a regular girlfriend again, EVER. I never divulge anything about that kind of thing, but I was in long-term relationships…. long, long, long term. Just not for me.
I can’t get excited for the same vag twice.
And once I “know” any woman, I don’t find them sexually attractive. All the things that come with familiarity and a relationship– knowing a chick’s relatives, knowing their habits, their bathroom issues, their mood swings, their period– all that stuff is a boner-choker of the 9th degree.
Once you know that a woman uses a toilet, she has no sexual allure anymore.
Hey, lexg, have you ever heard of theeroticreview.com? it’s an easy way to find escorts.
Thanks for the tip… Usually I’m afraid of any adult sites because of spyware and stuff, or once you get on their radar they email you shit like 200 times a day. I stupidly signed up for another sleazy hookup site, never used it, and to this day I get their bullshit spam twice a week.
About once every two weeks I put myself on Craigslist and only ever get bots responded, never a real offer.
Honestly, I work in an all-male office 14 hours a day, six days a week, and I either go to movies alone or with one of a couple female friends (yes, I know what I said earlier.) The ship has sailed in all cases plus they’re around 30, not 18, and thus I wouldn’t want to date them anyway.
I am ABSOLUTELY FINE with paying for sex for the rest of my life… I just wish it weren’t so unsavory and unhygenic. I have extreme OCD and really worry about VD.
Why is it that almost all sports movies are perfectly watchable? I’m struggling to think of a truly terrible one from the past two decades. Maybe anything involving women’s sports. But even Whip It was good.
Yeah, spyware is the first thing I’m worried about when paying for and having sex with a hooker.
Lexg, it’s not a dating/hook up site. It’s an escort review site. Just find one you like, take down the number and call. Some even come right over to your house. The best part is that, no matter how disgusting you might be, they’re gonna be relieved you’re under 50 and under 300.
Lex: Comment #84, bust-a-gut funny. Class A stand-up. 21st century Rodney Dangerfield. Get back on stage, man.
Looks like Avatar is giving certain home entertainment owners blue balls.
The original ‘Kong is confirmed for Blu-Ray. Oh, and Se7en, Red Shoes, and Black Narcissus.
Buried teaser.
RE: Vaughn thing. I guess not.
Damn, just reading these “escort” reviews is making me a nervous wreck. You have to go to the chick’s sex pad? Isn’t that TERRIFYING?
Christ, when I go to Cheetah’s and I finally choose the right girl for a lapdance, the longest four minutes of my life is that excruciating walk back to the VIP and that forced, fake, deadly banter. Her contempt mixed with my self-loathing makes for a conversation of such torturous banality I actually root for her to be so gakked-out on meth that I don’t have to fill the awkward silences.
And that’s for a damn three minute lapdance to Massive Attack where I’m not even expected to get especially aroused. But going to some chick’s door with a stack of twenties, and the chick may or may not look like her profile pic? And how do you know she didn’t just have another client forty minutes earlier? How do you know that client wasn’t some glam rock fucker from 1985 with a quarter-century of veneral diseases? This is Los Angeles, after all, so I don’t even know how the high-priced girls can be screened and cleaned…. one rap-label party oughta officially fuck up that business model.
In short, 2010, as with the last half-decade, promises to be another vagless year.
Maybe around 2019 I’ll work up the nerve for a tug job.
Life sucks.
Lex: You can always take a trip to Nevada… [Or so I've heard.]
Lex, what movies are you watching this weekend?
Classic thread.
Jeff, ever thought about compiling these epic posts/comments into a book?
Kind of like what Ricky Gervais has done with his podcasts on HBO, but instead it’d be your rants and snapshots in book form.
And Lex can illustrate it.
and DZ can play Karl Pilkington.
First of all, Lexg, you don’t have to go there. You can find one that will come to your house. Second, if you don’t like the look of the chick, then you don’t open the door. Finally, in this town, you can’t be sure your girlfriend didn’t just fuck some glam rocker from the 1980′s. You just have to wrap it up.
Anyway, you’re a great writer and i love your comments. I always tell Jeff when I see him that you’re one of the reasons I read.
I went to a screening of 2001 yesterday and a shit ton of people laughed, tittered, guffawed, chortled, and fucking chuckled whenever HAL said anything too friendly, [SPOILER] esp anything that ran counter to his future actions.
WTF is so funny?
And this was a crowd who LIKES 2001 presumably, ADMIRES it, going out of there way to see a 70mm revival screening. Since when did everything turn into MST3K? Why do the fuckers have to let me know how “clever” and “irony-appreciating” they are? Do they do this watching The Deer Hunter when De Niro asks for more bullets?
It was all I could not to stand up and scream “oh no he di’int!” at some random Dave Bowman line. Or “that’s what she said” when Poole says the Discovery antenna’s fine. You know, groove with it to everyone’s general amusement. It’s not just low-class numbskulls, it’s the tittering “elites” who are also low-class numbskulls.
Just chiming in here to pay tribute to these two comments:
“This ongoing death spiral of mood pockets cannot end well.”
“Can I get a fucking fork for my mood pocket cake please?”
The best. Ever.
I also liked Craig Kennedy’s challenge.
This is definitely a mood pocket in action. I love to laugh out loud — and I love to hear people laughing, especially children.
What I hate:
Drunken sports fans.
Asshole pretentious fucks blabbing about industry talk, screenings and screenplays sitting behind me at screenings.
Children being screamed at by stupid parents.
Any cry of pain.
But laughter? It’s the best thing we do, we dumb fuck humans.
Couples who call each other “babe” deserve an epic Ivan Drago beatdown.
Um, a lot of HAL’s lines are funny, in their wording and/or their delivery.
“I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. ”
If you don’t get why that’s funny, you’re the one that’s wrong, not the people laughing with it.
“going out of there way to see a 70mm revival screening”
Actually, though, the last time I saw a screening of ’2001′, I was shocked how many people in the crowd had clearly never ever seen it. The only people who laughed at HAL lines knew the lines.
Question: Do you also complain about people laughing at, say, the dinner/sandwich scene in ‘Psycho’?
“I would blow a yak on fucking YouTube tonight if I thought it would make me famous enough to get on a reality show or meet Paris Hilton.”
is this for real?
seriously, is this “lex” real or a put-on? because the saddest part of that sentence isn’t the blowing-the-yak-on-youtube thing, it’s that you’d do it to meet paris hilton.
seriously?
what is this, 2004? paris fucking hilton? you’d let a yak bukake you to meet paris hilton? if you’re gonna have yak splash you with protein stains, at least aim for the stars, friend. how about olivia wilde? hell, even kim kardashian. at least she’s still (somewhat) relevant and, you know, hot.
and, really, follow through on the escort thing; it’s your only option. take it from someone who is the polar opposite of you, lex (i.e., i get laid), women disdain desperate, insecure dudes. they can smell it a mile away, like yak spooge spoiling in the august sun. they see you sitting off by yourself, scaly skin, your nerves twitching all over from being out in the open air–you’re like a goddamn r. crumb comic come to life. no self-respecting woman wants to pity-fuck some bootscrape like you.
oh, wait.
damn.
i’m approaching this all wrong. “self-respecting” is not what you’re after. you want naive 19-year-olds. well, dude, take a page from the terry richardson playbook and become a photographer. get a retro-y camera, take some classes at the closest JC, and put out some ads on craigslist “looking for models.” it worked for richardson. he’s old and balding and he’s nailed tons of girls who could be his daughters. of course, he’s become a pariah and lots of models who’ve worked with him have spoken out recently, saying he’s a creepy manipulative douche who takes advantage of young girls. somehow, though, i doubt that’d stop you . . .
A little rude…
Late to the party, but HHH is always worth waiting for.
@Wells: Dude, I dig that these folks annoy you. it would annoy me, too. But you would NEVER see HHH at his laptop at a coffee joint. Yeah, I’ll grab a cup and chat a bit but I get out of htere.
Look, there are people who are too loud, wherever you go. It’s just the way of the world. Case in point, I took my grandmother out for dinner on her 85th b-day last year and two girls behind were LOUDLY discussing what their man’s cum tastes like ad how big his cock was. The ENTIRE small restaurant could hear them and I finally had to tell them to shut up. Also, I hate really annoying ringtones.
Update: I just guffawed in my dad’s face. Until I was out of breath. And his patience.
“And you’ll NEVER…. WALK ALONE…………………AGAIN!!!!!!!!”
Gordn27, if the lines aren’t funny to people hearing them for the first time, according to you, then why do they supposedly get funnier on repeat viewings? Answer: they don’t. At best they’re LQTM droll, not LOL kneeslappers.
That is, unless you’re high, want people around you think you “get it”, or you actually do “get it” but being an idiot the thing you’re “getting” is not what the film intends. Do you actually think that the audience is meant to laugh out loud at those moments? Are they really such gut-busters?
The pacing, the mood, and everything else going on in the film points otherwise. Maybe you note HAL’s verbosity and delivery, you are amused, but you also note the astronauts’ reactions, concern, and distress. You don’t sit there and giggle like an imbecile, because then you’re letting us know you aren’t taking in the rest of the moment, you’re in your own little end of the kiddie pool and you think you’re watching a delightful little puppet show.
My point is not that it is or isn’t funny. We find all kinds of stuff “funny” in life, but we don’t guffaw at it all. Maybe it’s an American blue-state urban sophisticate thing. I’ve seen the film w/various audiences around the world, and it was only this last time I heard such out of control laughing, as if each LQTM line was accompanied by a sharp yank to the laugher’s genitals, w/the resultant surprise just too much to hold in. According to my rough calculations the equation is something like LQTM line delivery + groinal yanking = oh my god, gotta sneeze, cry, and orgasm, and what the hell, might as well chortle — all at once.
Of course it’s not the first time I’ve noticed LQTM moments responded to with exclamations of surprise vocal delight. Usually happens during humorless arthouse flicks where some dweeb want to impress the rest of the crowd by how rich they find the delivery, or the wording or– heyyyyy, Gordn27! I thought you looked familiar!
“if the lines aren’t funny to people hearing them for the first time, according to you, then why do they supposedly get funnier on repeat viewings?”
Well, because…
“Answer: they don’t.”
Oh, sorry, I thought you were asking.
But, just in a general, human way, the first time you see those scenes, you aren’t sure what’s going on. You might be confused on some level (though they’re straightforward enough scenes, it’s just that they’re so unusual in how they impart story information that you don’t really know exactly what you’re seeing yet). The second time you see the scene, when you do know what’s going on with HAL, suddenly every interaction with him becomes tense.
Now, again, i’m just speaking in a general “human reaction” sort of way, I’m sure you’re exempt, and you expect all audiences to be exempt as well (lord knows, audiences at the Angelika get mad if you laugh out loud at an actual comedy, let alone anything funny in a non-comedy movie), but humans in general, when they’re tense, they respond in all sorts of heightened ways, including laughing at things that aren’t hysterically funny. (Though I maintain that many of the things HAL says are genuinely funny.)
But now, of course, you’re equating the laughter with people grabbing their genitals, so I admit, I’ve never seen any audience think it was *that* funny. Maybe they were just way more in touch with neurotic humor.
“groinal yanking = oh my god, gotta sneeze, cry, and orgasm, and what the hell, might as well chortle — all at once.”
So Gnome de Guerre, do you have any escort links for LexG?
Re DeeZee’s post on AVATAR, Fox, Blu-Ray and firmware updates: Nice to see Fox finally bitten in the ass over this continuing practice.
Even Best Buy had written warnings to consumers (plus verbal reminders from sales staff) about this.
Terry – isn’t it really the manufacturer’s fault?
Re Gordn27′s post:
Fox has been doing this awhile (at least since the PLANET OF THE APES box of the original quintet of films). Say you have an earlier-generation Blu-Ray player without “upgraded” firmware. You put the Fox Blu-Ray in–you’re able to see trailers and, perhaps, get to the menu. Try to play the movie–nothing. After a couple of tries, there’s a message which appears with a web address from where you can download new firmware to disc and then use to “upgrade” your player..
Allegedly this is done as a security measure. But it’s now a temporary part of the public attention span due to the amount of AVATAR discs sold.
Ah, that makes sense. Sorry, I never made the upgrade myself, so I wasn’t aware of that at all, but it does sound annoyingly specific to Fox (even though the upgrade thing itself still seems like an unnecessarily difficult thing for the manufacturer to do).
LexG should save some money, four-wall a small theater, go back through the archives here and compile some of his best material into a one-man show. I really think he could get somewhere with it. Honesty is one of the hardest qualities to come by in comedy and he’s nothing if not forthcoming. The whole hunger-for-fame thing is really rela vent these days, and a show along those lines could get some attention.
This is so sad – I used to think D.Z. was the saddest fuck on here. I think that today officially LexG took that “honor.”
LexG is the internet commenter version of the type of people Jeff is bitching about here: loud, selfish, obnoxious.
Let he who is without sin or shame of their own cast the first stone at Lex. My version of the stasi would go after those who would kick a guy in the nuts when he’s already down.
DZ
This seems as good a place as any to put this.
Looks like your prediction for the box office of Kick Ass will only add to your wrong pile. You predicted 70 worldwide.
As of April 29th, the film had taken in 67 million worldwide.
It looks like it’s still playing nationwide, so by the end of this weekend you will have lost, yet again.
Looks like it could end up between 80-90 when all is said and done. Not your worst work, but not a win either.
They’ve already made a movie about Jeff: THE PRISONER OF SECOND AVENUE.
Many here have wondered if DZ is performance art and the same has been said about Lex. This kind of post makes you wonder if JW is for real.
Lex, start recording this stuff. Seriously. Even if its an act. Take these rants, record them, lay it over a Windows Moviemaker slideshow of random ironic google images and throw it up on youtube. If it plays as funny as it reads, it could seriously turn into something. I was putting random rants about games and movies up two years ago, today I’ve got two shows and I’m making decent living off it and getting better. You never know, there could easily be a niche out there for your material, and full-on “fame” has to start somewhere.
Here’s the thing – maybe Lex could do a show, maybe become a YouTube joke (actually, he could openly beg to give a yak a blow job and maybe that would get people’s attention) — then again, if all ye seeks is the attention of a woman, well, that’s easy to solve, LexG.
Just be a nice guy. Don’t be a twat. Nice guy, cool, non-judgmental, non-fame-seeking – someone who see more to live than becoming another link in Paris Hilton’s herpes chain.
Seriously, dude.
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