Eclipsed

I saw David Slade‘s Eclipse (Summit, 6.30) at last night”s Manhattan all-media screening. Whoo, boy. The first wave of Eclipse commenters who said it’s better than New Moon didn’t lie — it is. Somewhat. But it’s still not good enough to matter. It’s a slow, boring, unimaginative, tediously written slog and is not — repeat, not — better than the first Twilight film.

It’s not “organic” in the slightest, as Indiewire‘s Anne Thompson recently said. It’s about a bunch of young actors with bad wigs and conspicuous vampire makeup standing around trying to look captivating and speaking stiff soap-opera dialogue and going through the paces because they’ve been well paid to do so. It’s Fake-itude Incarnate. It doesn’t groove or flow or put the hook in even slightly. Okay, it does here and there. I’ll give it that.

Some young women in the rear of the balcony went “whoo-hoo!” when Taylor Lautner and/or Robert Pattinson did or said something sexy with Kristen Stewart. I didn’t understand why because this movie is in and out, at best. And mostly out.

I have to protect you, Bella. Here…hop on my motorcycle. I can protect you better than he can. We can deal with the The Newborns. All you werewolves need to meet us in the forest so we can train for the coming battle. I’m gonna die and become a vampire. Mom? Don’t count too much on having grandkids. Feel my warm heart beating inside my naked muscle-toned chest. Edward isn’t even alive. My feelings are hard to express but this is kinda how I’m feeling…I think. Isn’t that what finally matters? What we feel, who we love, and…like, you know, how much money this movie makes?

Why does Bella even hang with Jacob, knowing as she does that it just tortures Edward? What is this ‘torn between two lovers’ shit when she doesn’t really want Jacob in the first place? Why am I polluting my intellect by even thinking about this stuff?

I’ve had it with the faux-creepy milieu, those forests, Jacob’s torso, those werewolves, Edward’s glistening skin and red eyes, Bella’s anxious expressions and her dad’s idiotic urgings that she hang out with Jacob instead of Edward, and the whole teen angst vibe. Do these kids know how bad this dialoge sounds? Have they ever heard of Search for Tomorrow, General Hospital, The Secret Storm, etc.?

I sat next to a plump, big-haired Latina mom and her similarly proportioned daughter. As soon as they arrived and sat down the mom asked what her daughter wanted at the candy counter and said, “Okay, be right back.” She returned nine or ten minutes later with two family-sized Twizzlers, two medium-monster popcorns, two extra-large drinks and a hot dog. I tried not to listen to the sounds of their eating.

79 thoughts on “Eclipsed

  1. Last paragraph is literally THE GREATEST THING EVER.

    Sorry, I know it’s Eloi to laugh aloud, but that’s just too awesome. Classic Wells.

  2. Last paragraph is literally THE GREATEST THING EVER.

    Sorry, I know it’s Eloi to laugh aloud, but that’s just too awesome. Classic Wells.

  3. The funniest thing at the screening I attended last night in New Orleans was the Summit rep trying to get a comment from no less than USA Today’s Claudia Puig who told her to “read about it in tomorrow’s paper” to which the rep replied “Yeah like I even care about your review anyway”. Poor critics.

    That said, Eclipse is fucking boring. And not to mention, there’s not even a fucking eclipse in Eclipse. I was thinking all along there’d be an eclipse and the werewolves would transform back to human and get slaughtered so I could go home and watch The White Ribbon on Blu Ray. But alas, not to be.

  4. The funniest thing at the screening I attended last night in New Orleans was the Summit rep trying to get a comment from no less than USA Today’s Claudia Puig who told her to “read about it in tomorrow’s paper” to which the rep replied “Yeah like I even care about your review anyway”. Poor critics.

    That said, Eclipse is fucking boring. And not to mention, there’s not even a fucking eclipse in Eclipse. I was thinking all along there’d be an eclipse and the werewolves would transform back to human and get slaughtered so I could go home and watch The White Ribbon on Blu Ray. But alas, not to be.

  5. Sounds just as weightless and stupid as I was expecting. Thanks for that nice description, Jeff.

    This, though, sounds baitish : I sat next to a plump, big-haired Latina mom and her similarly proportioned daughter. As soon as they arrived and sat down the mom asked what her daughter wanted at the candy counter and said, “Okay, be right back.” She returned nine or ten minutes later with two family-sized Twizzlers, two medium-monster popcorns, two extra-large drinks and a hot dog. I tried not to listen to the sounds of their eating.

    Are hits down this week?

  6. Sounds just as weightless and stupid as I was expecting. Thanks for that nice description, Jeff.

    This, though, sounds baitish : I sat next to a plump, big-haired Latina mom and her similarly proportioned daughter. As soon as they arrived and sat down the mom asked what her daughter wanted at the candy counter and said, “Okay, be right back.” She returned nine or ten minutes later with two family-sized Twizzlers, two medium-monster popcorns, two extra-large drinks and a hot dog. I tried not to listen to the sounds of their eating.

    Are hits down this week?

  7. On the other hand, “Despicable Me” was very creative, fresh, funny, cute in the best sense, and original. Best thing Steve Carrell’s ever done.

  8. On the other hand, “Despicable Me” was very creative, fresh, funny, cute in the best sense, and original. Best thing Steve Carrell’s ever done.

  9. 1. Daviddb is a liar. Despicable Me isn’t bad but to say it’s the best thing SC’s ever done is a slap in the face to The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

    2. Honestly Jeff, the last paragraph feels like a passage lifted from Kevin Spacey’s journals in Se7en. I hate Twizzlers too, but seriously, lighten up, man.

  10. 1. Daviddb is a liar. Despicable Me isn’t bad but to say it’s the best thing SC’s ever done is a slap in the face to The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

    2. Honestly Jeff, the last paragraph feels like a passage lifted from Kevin Spacey’s journals in Se7en. I hate Twizzlers too, but seriously, lighten up, man.

  11. Did anyone read Harry Knowles’ “review”? It is literally one of the worst things I’ve read in quite a long time. Here’s one of the few passages that isn’t about dildos and underage group sex:

    “That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times.”

    That is a paragraph.

  12. Did anyone read Harry Knowles’ “review”? It is literally one of the worst things I’ve read in quite a long time. Here’s one of the few passages that isn’t about dildos and underage group sex:

    “That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times.”

    That is a paragraph.

  13. >Wow, yeah, Daviddb, I’ll get right on seeing a CARTOON instead of Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning.

    >BE A MAN.

    A man can separate “looking at pretty girls” from “watching the best movies currently in theaters.”

    By the way, if you hate cartoons so much, why did you watch Avatar? You do realize it’s an animated film, right?

  14. >Wow, yeah, Daviddb, I’ll get right on seeing a CARTOON instead of Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning.

    >BE A MAN.

    A man can separate “looking at pretty girls” from “watching the best movies currently in theaters.”

    By the way, if you hate cartoons so much, why did you watch Avatar? You do realize it’s an animated film, right?

  15. Christ, I’ll try it again for the cheap seats, for Mr. Ray “I Want to Be Just Like LexG But Nobody Likes Me” DeDouche and bluequeen:

    MOVIES ARE THE ART OF LOOKING AT PRETTY GIRLS.

    Know who said that? Jean-Luc Godard. It’s the WHOLE REASON for the existence of cinema. Girls and guns. Everything else is bullshit. Godard and LexG kickin’ all of them Zs.

  16. Christ, I’ll try it again for the cheap seats, for Mr. Ray “I Want to Be Just Like LexG But Nobody Likes Me” DeDouche and bluequeen:

    MOVIES ARE THE ART OF LOOKING AT PRETTY GIRLS.

    Know who said that? Jean-Luc Godard. It’s the WHOLE REASON for the existence of cinema. Girls and guns. Everything else is bullshit. Godard and LexG kickin’ all of them Zs.

  17. Please tell me there’s at least a scene where Chris Cooper barges in and strangles Pattinson for a good minute, ala, the only watchable scene in Remember Me. That bit should be reenacted in every subsequent Pattinson flick.

  18. Please tell me there’s at least a scene where Chris Cooper barges in and strangles Pattinson for a good minute, ala, the only watchable scene in Remember Me. That bit should be reenacted in every subsequent Pattinson flick.

  19. Not mentioning the 40 year old virgin doesn’t make me a liar, maybe forgetful…that said, I’ll say it’s one of the 2 best things SC has done…so lighten up Insnide.

    And Lex, to further your wrath, I will tell you there’s more psychological depth in DM than in all of those stupid Twilight movies put together. And besides, those are based on books written by a woman written primarily for women (and gay men). So who’s the man now?

  20. What’s the over/under on number of Godard films Lex has actually seen?

    I think I’ll open it up by setting it at one, which is also the number of Kurosawa films he’s seen.

  21. Why does Bella even hang with Jacob, knowing as she does that it just tortures Edward? What is this ‘torn between two lovers’ shit when she doesn’t really want Jacob in the first place?

    Ummmm, she’s kind of a cockteaser?

  22. David: I originally thought Despicable Me was gonna be another Uni bomb, but audiences at my theater seem to be reacting well to it, so it could

    actually be a threat to Salt’s domestic take. Oh, and Ebert gave Eclipse 2 stars.

    Bowen: Probably. But then that’s considered a form of “girl power” nowadays.

  23. DZ, the audience I was with last night erupted into applause at the end and these people rarely applaud at anything. Despicable Me could be another How To Train Your Dragon which opened soft but then word of mouth built and the movie gathered momentum…and with TS3 eventually playing itself out, I don’t think there’s any other animated film on the horizon so it could do quite well. Unlike some folks on this board, I have tremendous respect for animated films because it’s doubly hard to pull them off successfully.

  24. Daviddb, was playfully calling you a liar. Obviously it’s your opinion and you’re entitled, buddy. I thought Carell gave a much better voice performance in the ridiculously overlooked Over the Hedge. He also gave a better overall performance in Anchorman and Dan in Real Life, not to mention The Office, The Daily Show and The Dana Carvey Show… I didn’t see Dragon, but heard it was great. Despicable Me definitely got to me in the end, it had some heart, which was surprising. But the movie isn’t funny enough and much of the voice cast is wasted, especially Jason Segel, who barely registers as the “villain” of the film. It just wasn’t that well-written a movie. I was really looking forward to it but it was one step up from Monsters vs. Aliens. Certainly better than one step down but still, it was no Pixar movie, Cars excepted, of course.

    That last graf is still cracking me up, Gruver. Honestly, half the blame lies with movie theaters, who insist on super-sizing everything, including popcorn and soda…

  25. Knowles really is a joke. I appreciate what he started but his time has come and long gone. Its not even funny reading his reviews anymore, they’re downright embarassing. If anyone on this post hasn’t read his Eclipse review, then you’ll see my point.

    Ebert. Wells. Poland. Whoever…please stage an intervention and tell this dude to take a creative writing course or just get out of the game.

  26. Oh Wells, I’m in love with you after reading that last paragraph. Hell, it would make a much better movie than Eclipse could ever hope to be.

  27. Oh Wells, I’m in love with you after reading that last paragraph. Hell, it would make a much better movie than Eclipse could ever hope to be.

  28. LOL @ the last paragraph

    And aintitcoolnews.com has been irrelevant for a decade. Its pretty much just for the 40+ nerd crowd. Anyone that takes that fat fucking slob Harry seriously is an idiot. All anyone does is shit talk his dumb reviews on his site, yet is the poster-boy for the aforementioned 40 + year old nerd set. Hollywood types only talk to his fat ass so he can hype up their films and get all those losers off their fat asses to watch their lame films…

  29. LOL @ the last paragraph

    And aintitcoolnews.com has been irrelevant for a decade. Its pretty much just for the 40+ nerd crowd. Anyone that takes that fat fucking slob Harry seriously is an idiot. All anyone does is shit talk his dumb reviews on his site, yet is the poster-boy for the aforementioned 40 + year old nerd set. Hollywood types only talk to his fat ass so he can hype up their films and get all those losers off their fat asses to watch their lame films…

  30. The poster tells the story: come see three decent looking people with with the emotional range of a pipe cleaner attempt to spit out clunky dialog for two hours. Now with 25% more spooky vampires or something.

  31. The poster tells the story: come see three decent looking people with with the emotional range of a pipe cleaner attempt to spit out clunky dialog for two hours. Now with 25% more spooky vampires or something.

  32. Drew McWeeny’s evisceration to end all eviscerations is also a good read up on Hitfix. He analyzes the shit out of it and comes up with why Twilight’s dummifying effect on teenage girls is an infuriating threat to our cultural evolution. Well, nearly.

  33. Drew McWeeny’s evisceration to end all eviscerations is also a good read up on Hitfix. He analyzes the shit out of it and comes up with why Twilight’s dummifying effect on teenage girls is an infuriating threat to our cultural evolution. Well, nearly.

  34. Drew’s review over at Hitflix is utter bullshit from a fat male over 40 with no audience beyond nerd fanboys. I found it unbearably pompous. Jeff’s review is more cerebral, intelligent, and real. The faux-film criticism thats been the norm over at Aint It Cool News since its inception, is never worth repeating. Fuck Drew McWeeny and anyone that listens to that fat gasbag.

  35. I agree with nightheat about Drew / Hitflix. That is one shallow site. But back to Eclipse. I was almost tempted to check it out after Variiety and THR gave it positive reviews but then I check Rotten Tomatoes and read AO Scott, Ebert and now Jeff. Saved just in time.

  36. Wow, that McWeeny review was fierce.

    I know Drew, I very much like Drew, and on some level I kinda fear Drew, because I know how 0-60 impassioned he’d get at anyone taking issue with that piece… but, man, a little harsh no? How can anyone not like Bella Swan.

    She is the dreamiest girl in the world, a model of what female behavior SHOULD BE.

  37. Lex, you’re much smarter than this. Defending a film, not to mention a character, sight unseen is the height of stupidity. “A little harsh”? You haven’t seen the fucking thing! It could be the cinematic equivalent of anal gang rape for all you know. “She is the dreamiest girl in the world” honestly made me want to fucking vomit.

    Let go of your little boyhood fantasies and start thinking like a grownup.

  38. Tears. I loved the first one. Loved the second one. It has Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. There is literally NO WAY I won’t give this one an A rating. It is GUARANTEED. 100%. I’ll be seeing it first thing in the morning before work, with all my gal pals.

    “Boyhood fantasies”? What does that even MEAN? 37 years old, degree in Film.

  39. And during the movie, the plump, big-haired Latina mom and her similarly proportioned daughter shifted uncomfortably as a weird muttering gringo stared at them.

  40. Lex,

    I understand that at least half of this has to be a “bit,” but just for the hell of it… WHAT are even you “getting” out of Twilight?

    Stewart spends the whole series in a daze, covered-up in winter clothing looking like she hasn’t slept. It’s the LEAST “sexy” performance she gives in anything, ever. And Fanning is BARELY in her two installments, and she just stands around looking smug dressed up like a Jawa. There is literally NOTHING in these movies that’s even trying to appeal to heterosexual men. That’s not necessarily a criticism, just an observation.

  41. I’m destroying Drew on his own message board, he’s nothing but a fat fuck loser thats convinced himself that he’s a film critic. Jeff is a real film critic. Drew is just a nerd.

  42. Oh, he totally is.

    He called me fat. AND old.

    I may have to retire from the Internet tomorrow.

    Keep it up, Raymond. Everyone’s very impressed.

  43. I can barely see in here from all the sparks flying off nightheat’s axe grinding. Jesus man, I’m sorry you got banned from the AICN chat board, but let’s dial it back a few notches.

    Jeff, it’s LATINA if you’re talking about women, I think.

    Lex, let us know how many MEN are at your screening tomorrow. If I’m watching Stewart, just give me a 100 minute loop of the trailer scene in INTO THE WILD where she’s sitting around in her underwear.

  44. Drew: Hell of a review, man. Really intelligent, well thought out stuff, regardless of whether I agree (I do).

  45. I have genuine hate for AICN and anything related to it. I have zero respect for them, its true. Has nothing to do with chat boards, whatever that is. But yeah, its boring, I can not just dial it back a few notches, I can drop it completely.

  46. I just realized something.

    I’m like 20 years older than Kristen and especially Dakota.

    There’s a slight chance they might not think I was cool.

  47. I also need to add, posthaste:

    LIZZY CAPLAN IS NAKED IN TRUE BLOOD?!

    Why was I not notified? God, I can’t stand that show, and now I’m going to have to watch it?

    I demand pics, videos, links.

  48. I was going to quote the saddest, strangest and least credible section of Knowles’ review, but it never stopped.

  49. Also I must question his claim that this is undeniably better than WOLVERINE, as I doubt I will be shit-faced at this one waiting to smoke a cigar I just bought at a gas station.

  50. What is “FAST BREAK?”

    Is this more Caplan nudeness I don’t know about?

    WHY DON’T I KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

  51. Lizzy Caplan is a goddess who should be a huge movie star already. Why has this not happened? And the girl can act!

    Lizzy power!

  52. Eclipse uses the Twilight love story only for context’s sake and guts the canon out of it, making Bella, Edward, and Jacob tolerable characters who do things for a reason. Instead of being the epitome of shallow garbage like the books and previous films were (Twilight is genuine shit; New Moon is a decent camp parody). Now it’s run of the mill, average fodder for what is a legitimately cool vampire/werewolf action flick. I recommend it as a standalone film, even though it still has some of the unintentional awfulness that Twilight is justly known for. This is a flick from the director of Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, after all.

  53. After I saw Caplan’s scenes in Tru Blood (easily findable online, Quantrell), I couldn’t help but wonder why they wasted all that time in Cloverfield trying to save Odette Yustman. Odette is a cutie, to be sure, but if they knew what they had in Lizzy, they would have just gotten out of Dodge.

  54. McWee’s review is about two years out of date. He seems to think he’s the first person to think of this jaw-dropping analysis of the Twilight saga.

    Next groundbreaking review from McWee: Why Sex & The City is shallow and materialistic. SHOCKER!

  55. Jesus, look at this bit:

    “the real climax of the film consists of Bryce Dallas Howard wrasslin’ with Robert Pattinson in the snow a bit. Because she’s mad that he took away the dude who bones her. Another woman defined in this film entirely by who her man is or was.”

    Fucking hell, McWee. HOW MANY revenge movies have you seen over the years in which the lead MALE character embarks on a rampage of death and destruction to avenge the death of his lover? And yet it’s a terrible thing when a female does the same?

  56. Caplan has a surprisingly perfect body. Quantrell, you’re in for a treat.

    She was wasted in HTTM, though. Weird and unnecessary subplot that felt like a deleted scene from High Fidelity. Another Cusack fantasy-girl who loves music and man-children.

  57. “There’s gonna be an eclipse in my pants.”

    Sometimes brevity wins out, Lex. Good show!

    Count me as a fan of the last paragraph.

    This sounds like a “greatest hits” package of girl fantasy movie items.

    “Two brooding bad-boys compete over which one will get to protect and take care of our girl! She must choose one! Who will she CHOOSE?!”

    Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

    Chicks are such pushovers. Oy.

  58. Odette Yustman looks like Jessica Alba crossed with early Megan Fox. She has long, straight dark hair, pouty lips, and a model’s body.

    Lizzy Caplan looks like…. broccoli. She can be “sexy,” I like her, but her face is really not that pretty. Odette is beautiful. Lizzy kind of has the face of an elderly Jewish man on some days, and odd hair issues, yet can somehow work up that smoking-hot attitude with a hint of girl-next-door that guys on movie blogs seem to prefer more than “model.” But she’s hit or miss. Watch her in Mean Girls and tell me that’s in any way some GREAT BEAUTY. The extensive True Blood nudity probably doesn’t hurt in convincing guys she’s some bombshell… she’s edgy and “hot” and seems like a cool chick, so she’s more likely to get a rise out issues-laden geeks who respond to overt nudity and relatability more than unattinable “model”…

    But if you honestly think she’s more BEAUTIFUL than Odette Yustman, you need an eye exam. Seriously, hit Google Image Search and DO THE RESEARCH.

    You’re basically doing the “Allison Hannigan if she did nudity over Jessica Alba!” geek argument if you prefer Lizzy.

  59. Walking through a theater lobby with last night’s Twilight screenings was like stumbling into an “Edward would still love me despite my morbid obesity” Cougartown version of Running With The Bulls.

  60. “Why does Bella even hang with Jacob, knowing as she does that it just tortures Edward? What is this ‘torn between two lovers’ shit when she doesn’t really want Jacob in the first place?

    Ummmm, she’s kind of a cockteaser?”

    Also for the same reason no pregnant teen ever has the abortion in a movie: because you can’t release something that ends after 25 minutes.

  61. “Why does Bella even hang with Jacob, knowing as she does that it just tortures Edward? What is this ‘torn between two lovers’ shit when she doesn’t really want Jacob in the first place?

    Ummmm, she’s kind of a cockteaser?”

    Also for the same reason no pregnant teen ever has the abortion in a movie: because you can’t release something that ends after 25 minutes.

  62. Maybe I missed something, but I thought it was godawful. Norton obviously had a lot of fun making it, but every single one of the characters is a very broad caricature and the laughs are so

    obvious. Will watch again, though, in the future and see if my opinion changes.

    It is like a Gucci

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>