Lucky Break

Every time I read about an attractive female school teacher getting popped for predatory behavior with a teenage male student, I frown and shake my head and mutter to myself, “If only I’d been so fortunate.” I was miserable when I was 15 or 16, and would have dropped to my knees and thanked God if I’d been hit on by a hot 40 year-old blonde of this calibre. And if I wasn’t interested I certainly wouldn’t rat her out by sharing her provocative photos with my friends. The authorities obviously aren’t “wrong” to enforce the law, but…well, I’ve said it.

  • JackBurton2

    Rolling Stone did an article on male students years after their relationships with older female teachers had ended. It wasn’t pretty. Apparently the psychological damage that is done is pretty severe when this type of relationship takes place as ideas about “adult” relationships and sexuality are being formed. The whole “wish it was me” philosophy is just locker room douchebag jockery.

  • Hip Hop Homey

    Jack: While you are correct, you’re pissing in the wind, my friend.

  • LexG

    Burton, that is interesting, and I’m not doubting it, but let me tell you:

    As a former high school LOSER who didn’t have so much as a single DATE till age 17, I would’ve dropped to my knees thanking the heavens for some hot teacher sending me nude pics… if only because boosting a Penthouse from the 7-11 was such an order and setting the VCR to tape “Fiona” off Cinemax After Dark without getting caught required a chain of events so convoluted I needed Dom Cobb to come around and explain it to me like Ellen Page.

    I’d have been in my glory, and I CAN TELL YOU 100% I’d be a more functional human being today as an adult had I had some fun, sexy, Porky’s-meets-Private Lessons rendezvous with a smoking hot tutor or teacher, instead of some repressed, super-Catholic-raised neurotic freakshow with zillions of issues when it comes to women and sex. Maybe guys like me — probably more guys than you’d think — could be chill and awesome and relaxed around women had we not been raised in the judgmental death grip of both religion AND societal repression.

    To some degree I think that survey you’re quoting got the answers it was looking for. OR they interviewed some douche-ass men. What kind of MAN goes through life traumatized by some hot action via an older woman? A total pussy, or someone with other issues to go in conjunction with it. I’m not doubting the answers, but I could all but guarantee that zillions more men are scarred for life by NOT getting laid in high school, by not just accepting sex and sexuality as an everyday, joyful awesome thing, instead of THE DIRTIEST THING IN THE WORLD for which WE WILL ALL BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL, which is what I heard for 18 years.

    So if I were a parent, which I thankfully never will be, I’d rather my awesome son be out banging his tutor than sitting around repressed and sexless and bitter.


  • lazarus

    Pacey Witter seemed to turn out okay, at least by the final season.

  • George Prager

    What’s “Fiona”?

  • LexG


    Third only to “Island of 1000 Delights” and “Love Lust and Ecstasy” as the best Euro-trash softcore movies that Cinemax would run back in the mid-80s. “Fiona” was the jackpot because it had the requisite lesbian scene, PLUS a solo scene (LLE had a great one, too featuring a retroactive Uma Thurman lookalike). So I caught it once and was in my glory, and like a week or two later, Fiona was on again, so I set the VCR but accidentally used my old man’s baseball tape, so had to sneak down to the game room using a complex system of pulleys and ropes worthy of Ethan Hunt to switch that thing out for my secret Skinemax TDK tape when he slipped upstairs for a beer, then sat in my room praying for two more hours he’d pass out and hit the sack long before the 1981, top-loading Panasonic VCR would boot up at 3:40am for FIONA, whirring like the truck of Duel.

  • Jack, of course you are 100% right, but Wells is talking about a fantasy here. It’s not locker room douche bag jockery; we’ve all been attracted by at least one teacher in the past. Sexual abuse is sexual abuse no matter how attractive or unattractive the teacher is, but if you’re a teenage boy with raging hormones and your mind is still developing, the fact is you wouldn’t see it that way.

  • Hollis Mulwray

    I never had a teacher give me an “F”. Never.

  • LexG

    In a not-unrelated story, Taylor Momsen now 17 years old.

    One. More. Year. YEP YEP.

  • George Prager

    Thanks for the link, Lex. Never saw that one. I was confusing it with Fanny. I did the VCR timer/Cinemax thing a bunch of times (shit like the one-boner The Princess and the Call Girl).

  • JackBurton2

    I tried to find that Rolling Stone article I mentioned, but they scrubbed their website of it. Thank God for the rest of the Internet though, huh?

    I’m new to these parts in terms of participating in any way, but I’ve been reading Wells since (and the occasional article pre-Internet) and have faithfully followed these boards for a while. That said, after reading the article, do you honestly feel you’d be LESS screwed up, Lex, if this had happened to you? I hate to say it, but you might be just as bad off, but in another interesting way. Hell, you may have ended up as a real life Frank TJ Mackey.

  • Krillian

    To which Lex says: “Frank TJ Mackey still has his HAIR!”

    Actually this topic’s been part of Lenny Clarke’s stand-up routine for almost 20 years. “Where were these teachers when I was a kid?!”

  • fitz-hume

    Ditto to what Wells said.

  • Wrecktem

    My only problem with this particular fantasy is that banging a teacher 20 years your senior while in such a formative state of sexual awakening would undoubtedly rewire your sexual behavior in the future to favor only older women. Which means, sure, I’d love to have banged a hottie 40 year old when I was 15, but the inevitable outcome would be me downloading granny porn and trolling the assisted care facilities when I hit 40. No thanks. Not worth the risk.

  • Meegosh

    the blonde? Nice!!!!!!!!

  • dangovich

    Reminds me of an old Norm Macdonald joke from SNL’s Weekend Update:

    “In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student. LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, ‘the greatest teacher of all time.'”

  • LexG

    Burton, I read that epic piece and remained unmoved. In fact, at least the link you provided was just ONE story, ONE incident, and one kid’s reaction to it. I’m sure there have been others that would support that outcome, but I still think I would’ve been all FUCK YEAH…

    Though then as now, I wouldn’t have been down for a 40 year old. But at 15-16, you make it work, so I’d have still been on cloud nine, just like any other young dude looking to get in the cut.

    Now, Wrecktem, on the other hand, provides a sobering thought, but I’d be inclined to believe a man who had negative experiences with older women, or bad female role models, or I don’t know, was fondled by a neighborhood crazy lady at a young age, would be more likely to flip the script and go on to prefer the company, or the visual, of younger women.

    Anyway, all this shit is a case by case. And mostly all I’m thinking about from this thread is at once how much high school SUCKED, but on the flip sight HOW MUCH I want to relive it again.

    It’s why I sometimes talk about getting my teaching credential (wouldn’t take much) and reinventing myself as a COOL TEACHER, so I could hang out in high school and be the BMOC this time, at least in teacher form, be a COOL TEACHER like that fruity guy on Glee, and I’d teach 11th or 12th grade English, or DRAMA, and get to hang out with all the sensitive, wispy, demure 17, 18 year old girls in their little booty shorts and flip flops and have them come up and hover around my desk and ask questions, all EARNEST and looking to LEARN THINGS and LOOKING UP TO ME with WIDE EYED respect and maybe even a schoolgirl crush. YEP TO THE YEP, GREAT IDEA.

    I am totally frozen in time, REFUSE to think of myself as a 37 year old fat guy… In my head I should be the cool boy in her class that Taylor Swift crushes on in her music videos, or I should be hanging out with the Twilight cast or the High School Musical kids and being all YEP I RULE and going to parties and THE PROM with 18 year old girls. You will NEVER convince me there’s a time where I’D EVER want to date a age-appropriate woman EVER again.

  • Jonathan Spuij

    Well is right. I can’t imagine any of the “abused and victimised” kids in these cases feeling any but miserable over it aside from the fact that their parents are so eager to expose them to the media.

  • a_loco

    Jack, are we actually supposed to take that article seriously?

    First, dude had a load of issues before that happened, and as they say, correlation does not equal causation.

    Second, as Lex mentioned, that’s ONE story about ONE guy. If you want to convince anybody about the effects of these relationships, try finding a peer-reviewed psychological survey of these “victims”.

    Third, half the shit that was stated in the article was not “confirmed” by other parties involved. You know what that means? Considering how much of a basket case that guy was, a lot of it probably didn’t even happen.

    So, paraphrasing Bill Maher, if only I could have been so traumatized in High School.

    (Lex, please don’t get a teaching certificate. I like you, I really do, but don’t put yourself in that position.)

  • LexG

    Loco, if my acting or writing doesn’t catch on by age 40 (2.5 years), I’m going for the teaching certificate. It’s gonna be hot!

  • JackBurton2

    Loco, I’m not presenting this as my doctoral thesis on the topic, so you can sure as shit bet I’m not going to LexisNexis for a “peer-reviewed psychological survey.” What I was doing was presenting a contrarian point of view on the topic based on a lifelong aversion to the “High 5, bro” mentality that Wells was supporting in the tone of his post. Combine that with what I felt was an interesting article from a somewhat reputable source (though I never claimed the article was definitive on the subject), I thought I’d throw the idea out there for discussion.

    Male teacher takes advantage of female student. Shame for both parties. Female teacher takes advantage of male student. Shame for her, but a winking acceptance for him. That double standard is bullshit.

  • TATE K.

    Fucking older women when you’re 16 is awesome.

  • raygo

    Note to America: sex and death are facts of life. Get used to it. We’re such an uptight puritanical, hypocritical society. We have to protect our “babies”!

    Under the right circumstances, I think Jeff would be ok if it happened to one of his. Just a hunch.

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