Flotsam

According to a poll released today by TheFrisky.com, a decisive majority of empty, spiritually diseased young women who read this site would rather trade places with Jersey Shore‘s Snooki than Bristol Palin, Heidi Montag, Britney Spears, Vienna Girardi or Lindsay Lohan. I’ve half-jested before about putting geekboy fans of CG superhero movies into green reeducation camps. It’s a benevolent idea at heart — to try and detoxify people who’ve become so polluted with various media poisons that they’re unable to recognize healthy aesthetic convictions, and have to come to prefer sequential junk-food highs as a way of life. Let’s just say the readers of TheFrisky.com would be in for some helpful lifestyle changes If I was dictator.

48 thoughts on “Flotsam

  1. TL on said:

    None of those options are really very appealing, frankly.

  2. indeed, TL — that’s quite a rogue’s gallery. It’s not like they gave them a choice between being Snooki and being Mother Theresa. Or even Beyonce. “Which of these skanks is the lesser of 6 evils?”

  3. indeed, TL — that’s quite a rogue’s gallery. It’s not like they gave them a choice between being Snooki and being Mother Theresa. Or even Beyonce. “Which of these skanks is the lesser of 6 evils?”

  4. Yeah, Wells, what exactly is the right answer there? Spears would have the most money, I suppose, but you’d have the whole mental illness thing.

  5. Yeah, Wells, what exactly is the right answer there? Spears would have the most money, I suppose, but you’d have the whole mental illness thing.

  6. Lohan and Spears actually DO stuff, whether you like it or not.

    Snooki is just the latest version of Real World Trishelle, only with a stupid accent, midget physique, and bad spray tan. Heidi is turning into a plastic-surgery nightmare… Bristol’s inclusion is rather random.

    But Vienna from The Bachelor is by FAR the biggest do-nothing on that list…. Even by the standards of “reality” personalities, she’s entirely uneventful and her “15 minutes” have come and gone without 99% of the universe noticing.

  7. Lohan and Spears actually DO stuff, whether you like it or not.

    Snooki is just the latest version of Real World Trishelle, only with a stupid accent, midget physique, and bad spray tan. Heidi is turning into a plastic-surgery nightmare… Bristol’s inclusion is rather random.

    But Vienna from The Bachelor is by FAR the biggest do-nothing on that list…. Even by the standards of “reality” personalities, she’s entirely uneventful and her “15 minutes” have come and gone without 99% of the universe noticing.

  8. Those girls all suck. Snooki just happens to be the most popular one at the moment, so she won the poll. There really isn’t a whole lot to choose from here, though I might give Bristol a pass. She’s a dipshit, but shes really young and had to grow up a Palin, so its not entirely her fault. She doesn’t strike me as being quite as wretched as the rest of that list.

  9. Those girls all suck. Snooki just happens to be the most popular one at the moment, so she won the poll. There really isn’t a whole lot to choose from here, though I might give Bristol a pass. She’s a dipshit, but shes really young and had to grow up a Palin, so its not entirely her fault. She doesn’t strike me as being quite as wretched as the rest of that list.

  10. “I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s Farm NO MORE!”

    YEP YEP. And by that, I mean I’m gonna go into my day job (face it, only job) like a good little bitch today and type out some bullshit movie frame by frame, word by word, all for the purposes of collecting monies with which to pay the rent, just barely, and thus will need to use credit for such extravagant niceties as groceries, power, and phone.

    And all that with a degree in Film, a degree in English Lit, a minor in Journalism… All that with an IQ that’s off the charts… All that after working like a slave, like a bitch, almost every single day for 21 years doing worthless work that brings me nor anyone ANY happiness.

    I mention this pity party because, yeah, it’s the easy default to scoff at Snooki or Heidi or choose your reality-TV-emboldened starlet and feign an air of superiority, but what IS the answer here? Who’s laughing at who? I did all the things “you’re supposed to do,” as I’m sure most of you did… and we all live “lives of quiet desperation.” Snooki has a better car than me, a better house than you, a bigger bankroll than 99% of the COLLEGE-EDUCATED PROFESSIONALS on this planet.

    When Justin Bieber can put a YouTube video up and within months be partying with Usher, living in a mansion, dating Selena Gomez, and making tens of millions, THERE IS NO DIGNITY IN INTEGRITY, there is no HONOR IN POVERTY. Who WOULDN’T trade places with ANY of these people, who get to be on television, get to act in movies, get to live in houses in the Hills and drive flash rides? What, you or me, any of us are so much fucking better working some sadsack job or even doing some little creative endeavor on the side for peanuts?

    THE ACTION IS THE JUICE. YEP YEP.

    FAME IS GOD.

  11. “I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s Farm NO MORE!”

    YEP YEP. And by that, I mean I’m gonna go into my day job (face it, only job) like a good little bitch today and type out some bullshit movie frame by frame, word by word, all for the purposes of collecting monies with which to pay the rent, just barely, and thus will need to use credit for such extravagant niceties as groceries, power, and phone.

    And all that with a degree in Film, a degree in English Lit, a minor in Journalism… All that with an IQ that’s off the charts… All that after working like a slave, like a bitch, almost every single day for 21 years doing worthless work that brings me nor anyone ANY happiness.

    I mention this pity party because, yeah, it’s the easy default to scoff at Snooki or Heidi or choose your reality-TV-emboldened starlet and feign an air of superiority, but what IS the answer here? Who’s laughing at who? I did all the things “you’re supposed to do,” as I’m sure most of you did… and we all live “lives of quiet desperation.” Snooki has a better car than me, a better house than you, a bigger bankroll than 99% of the COLLEGE-EDUCATED PROFESSIONALS on this planet.

    When Justin Bieber can put a YouTube video up and within months be partying with Usher, living in a mansion, dating Selena Gomez, and making tens of millions, THERE IS NO DIGNITY IN INTEGRITY, there is no HONOR IN POVERTY. Who WOULDN’T trade places with ANY of these people, who get to be on television, get to act in movies, get to live in houses in the Hills and drive flash rides? What, you or me, any of us are so much fucking better working some sadsack job or even doing some little creative endeavor on the side for peanuts?

    THE ACTION IS THE JUICE. YEP YEP.

    FAME IS GOD.

  12. ^^^ Fuck that was BRILLIANT. ^^^

    How come I can’t get a paid gig writing for some movie or popcult site? My services begin at 100K, a steady supply of anorexic prostitutes, and a Screen Actors Guild card, aka the most elusive thing on Planet Earth.

    Anyone here actually IN SAG? Fuck, e-me a picture of what the card looks like, just so I can masturbate to the Impossible Dream.

    I would sell out any and every person on this planet, would do LITERALLY ANYTHING (except for gay sex) to get a SAG CARD.

  13. ^^^ Fuck that was BRILLIANT. ^^^

    How come I can’t get a paid gig writing for some movie or popcult site? My services begin at 100K, a steady supply of anorexic prostitutes, and a Screen Actors Guild card, aka the most elusive thing on Planet Earth.

    Anyone here actually IN SAG? Fuck, e-me a picture of what the card looks like, just so I can masturbate to the Impossible Dream.

    I would sell out any and every person on this planet, would do LITERALLY ANYTHING (except for gay sex) to get a SAG CARD.

  14. LexG is right–Lindsay Lohan and Britney are in a different category. It’s sort of like comparing Paula Abdul to Amy Fisher or Loreena Bobbitt.

  15. LexG is right–Lindsay Lohan and Britney are in a different category. It’s sort of like comparing Paula Abdul to Amy Fisher or Loreena Bobbitt.

  16. Reminds me of those most-admired-woman-in-America polls that always include the First Lady, no matter how lame she is. Who could admire Pat Nixon?

  17. Reminds me of those most-admired-woman-in-America polls that always include the First Lady, no matter how lame she is. Who could admire Pat Nixon?

  18. On TMZ the other day they showed Tila Tequila getting pulled over in Santa Barbara… in a powder-blue Lambo.

    I drive a 1990 Ford Taurus covered in three years of dust because the guys at Magnolia Car Wash don’t speak English and thus I can’t explain to them all the complexities of my ride’s non-working features.

    WINNER: Reality TV Fame.

  19. On TMZ the other day they showed Tila Tequila getting pulled over in Santa Barbara… in a powder-blue Lambo.

    I drive a 1990 Ford Taurus covered in three years of dust because the guys at Magnolia Car Wash don’t speak English and thus I can’t explain to them all the complexities of my ride’s non-working features.

    WINNER: Reality TV Fame.

  20. If Jeffrey “reeducated” every insipid website he talks about, he’d be left with nothing to post. He’d post the occasional comment about indie films like Bitiful and HE would swirl down the drain in a week.

  21. If Jeffrey “reeducated” every insipid website he talks about, he’d be left with nothing to post. He’d post the occasional comment about indie films like Bitiful and HE would swirl down the drain in a week.

  22. There are plenty of ideas that would win out over the current culture if they were given equal time in the media. And yet … humans are pretty much programmed, by default, to take the lazy and hedonistic path if it’s available. You would have to start at birth, with the parents setting a good example and living in a community full of positive role models.

    This is officially the first year that I could not imagine living without air conditioning, which has to be the single biggest crime against nature that a human can take (or up their with driving alone in a big car and flying cross country regularly) and a totally unsustainable lifestyle choice that nobody had access to as few as, what, 75 years ago? 60? And will it be around for most people 60 years from now?

    Imagine trying to power an air conditioner with a roof-top solar cell, or a backyard wind turbine. I am failing to picture Jeff living a truly green lifestyle as well. But, point made, these female “role models” are an unsavory bunch, and who among us wouldn’t be devastated to see our daughter grow up to be like (or aiming to be like) any of them?

  23. There are plenty of ideas that would win out over the current culture if they were given equal time in the media. And yet … humans are pretty much programmed, by default, to take the lazy and hedonistic path if it’s available. You would have to start at birth, with the parents setting a good example and living in a community full of positive role models.

    This is officially the first year that I could not imagine living without air conditioning, which has to be the single biggest crime against nature that a human can take (or up their with driving alone in a big car and flying cross country regularly) and a totally unsustainable lifestyle choice that nobody had access to as few as, what, 75 years ago? 60? And will it be around for most people 60 years from now?

    Imagine trying to power an air conditioner with a roof-top solar cell, or a backyard wind turbine. I am failing to picture Jeff living a truly green lifestyle as well. But, point made, these female “role models” are an unsavory bunch, and who among us wouldn’t be devastated to see our daughter grow up to be like (or aiming to be like) any of them?

  24. “which has to be the single biggest crime against nature that a human can take (or up their with driving alone in a big car….”

    HOLY SHOT, Idiot Of the Day Award goes to Mr. Greenpeace here. FUCK carpooling. In the words of THE MIGHTY TOM SKERRITT, “Americans love their cars.” So you can fuck right on back to the commune with that enviro-bullshit. Anyone who’s gone to the movies at the Arclight and has had to piss into those REVOLTING, noxious, disease-carrying WATERLESS URINALS (swell choice at a venue where homeless people with very real diseases amble in to use the bathrooms on the regular) knows that GREEN = BULLSHIT.

    Air conditioning rules. Driving alone rules. Flying sucks, but people have to get places for business. Fuck off, tree hugger.

    Fuck the environment. Hail Lohan.

  25. “which has to be the single biggest crime against nature that a human can take (or up their with driving alone in a big car….”

    HOLY SHOT, Idiot Of the Day Award goes to Mr. Greenpeace here. FUCK carpooling. In the words of THE MIGHTY TOM SKERRITT, “Americans love their cars.” So you can fuck right on back to the commune with that enviro-bullshit. Anyone who’s gone to the movies at the Arclight and has had to piss into those REVOLTING, noxious, disease-carrying WATERLESS URINALS (swell choice at a venue where homeless people with very real diseases amble in to use the bathrooms on the regular) knows that GREEN = BULLSHIT.

    Air conditioning rules. Driving alone rules. Flying sucks, but people have to get places for business. Fuck off, tree hugger.

    Fuck the environment. Hail Lohan.

  26. “How come I can’t get a paid gig writing for some movie or popcult site?”

    Hey — remember when you got actual offers to do so, and you wussed out like the lameass that you are?

    Me too.

    THE WHINE IS THE JUICE.

    BITCH & MOAN POWER.

  27. “How come I can’t get a paid gig writing for some movie or popcult site?”

    Hey — remember when you got actual offers to do so, and you wussed out like the lameass that you are?

    Me too.

    THE WHINE IS THE JUICE.

    BITCH & MOAN POWER.

  28. “….remember when you got actual offers to do so…”

    No, I don’t remember this at all. Note, I said “paid gig writing.” Not whip up some rant for Poland for free, and not a handful of HE posters politely saying “Hey Lex I can help you with HTML if you wanna start a blog of your own.” Not putting down any of those things, but for the record, I have never been offered money for my writing.

    I mean a 100k JOB so I don’t have to go to work anymore.

  29. “….remember when you got actual offers to do so…”

    No, I don’t remember this at all. Note, I said “paid gig writing.” Not whip up some rant for Poland for free, and not a handful of HE posters politely saying “Hey Lex I can help you with HTML if you wanna start a blog of your own.” Not putting down any of those things, but for the record, I have never been offered money for my writing.

    I mean a 100k JOB so I don’t have to go to work anymore.

  30. Good attitude. Enjoy working at that post-job until you hit retirement, then. People aren’t just going to up and pay you $100,000 on the fly…you have to build a fanbase, regularly update your site/blog, and then (hopefully) slowly but surely the ad rates will increase with the traffic.

    Listen, I know it sounds like a long slog, esp. while working an endless day job and the last thing you want to do is come home and work “off-the-clock.” But that’s what it takes, my man. You probably have the chops and the unique p.o.v. (as long as you work on that tendency of yours to regurgitate material) to deliver enough entertaining content to fill a daily site, too. Hell, that’s not even true of 3/4 of the blogs that exist today.

    Gotta start somewhere. Gotta start sometime. Do it now!

  31. Good attitude. Enjoy working at that post-job until you hit retirement, then. People aren’t just going to up and pay you $100,000 on the fly…you have to build a fanbase, regularly update your site/blog, and then (hopefully) slowly but surely the ad rates will increase with the traffic.

    Listen, I know it sounds like a long slog, esp. while working an endless day job and the last thing you want to do is come home and work “off-the-clock.” But that’s what it takes, my man. You probably have the chops and the unique p.o.v. (as long as you work on that tendency of yours to regurgitate material) to deliver enough entertaining content to fill a daily site, too. Hell, that’s not even true of 3/4 of the blogs that exist today.

    Gotta start somewhere. Gotta start sometime. Do it now!

  32. I would sell out any and every person on this planet, would do LITERALLY ANYTHING (except for gay sex) to get a SAG CARD.

    Good, because you’ll need to sell everything you own, AND perhaps offer gay sex, to pay the yearly dues.

    I was required to join AFTRA when I was hired for “BEAT THE GEEKS,” and I was excited as hell – I’m in the union now, I’m legit, I can do TV, etc. Then the show was shitcanned, I still had no representation to get another gig, I had only my crappy day job to pay the bills, what little money I made (scale) from the show was gone…and AFTRA still demanded thousands of dollars a year to stay in the union. I let it lapse and they’ve stopped mailing me, but now, even if I was ridiculously lucky enough to have someone want to put me back on TV, I would be so deep in receivership to AFTRA to pay back almost a decade of dues that I would become MORE broke than I am now, even with whatever the TV people offered to pay. Consequently, when I recently appeared in a friend’s short film that would have made me SAG-eligible, I reluctantly passed on it.

    Unless you got your own personal fortune socked away, a super job that allows you plenty of time to go play cardboard pirates, or just the constitution of a friggin’ racehorse to go to every cold call and rare booked audition that your lazy agent deigns to give you, membership in the talent unions is not all its cracked up to be.

  33. I would sell out any and every person on this planet, would do LITERALLY ANYTHING (except for gay sex) to get a SAG CARD.

    Good, because you’ll need to sell everything you own, AND perhaps offer gay sex, to pay the yearly dues.

    I was required to join AFTRA when I was hired for “BEAT THE GEEKS,” and I was excited as hell – I’m in the union now, I’m legit, I can do TV, etc. Then the show was shitcanned, I still had no representation to get another gig, I had only my crappy day job to pay the bills, what little money I made (scale) from the show was gone…and AFTRA still demanded thousands of dollars a year to stay in the union. I let it lapse and they’ve stopped mailing me, but now, even if I was ridiculously lucky enough to have someone want to put me back on TV, I would be so deep in receivership to AFTRA to pay back almost a decade of dues that I would become MORE broke than I am now, even with whatever the TV people offered to pay. Consequently, when I recently appeared in a friend’s short film that would have made me SAG-eligible, I reluctantly passed on it.

    Unless you got your own personal fortune socked away, a super job that allows you plenty of time to go play cardboard pirates, or just the constitution of a friggin’ racehorse to go to every cold call and rare booked audition that your lazy agent deigns to give you, membership in the talent unions is not all its cracked up to be.

  34. Hoyk:

    BLAINE CAPATCH POWER.

    How’s this for depressing: You were ON Beat the Geeks. I used to have to transcribe it. I am still doing the same bullshit job nearly a decade on.

  35. Hoyk:

    BLAINE CAPATCH POWER.

    How’s this for depressing: You were ON Beat the Geeks. I used to have to transcribe it. I am still doing the same bullshit job nearly a decade on.

  36. Lex — just write, dude…just forget being fuckin’ Dennis Franz for a second (I hope to never viddy your bare ass on a television at any point in my life, anyway). Once you’re an established commodity, you may begin to have more options as far as branching out into other areas. Look at Vin Diesel — dude started out as a writer/director…think he ever wants to return to those Cassavetian “roots?” Naw, baby, naw.

    But for now, write. It is something you’re good at — at least, you know, comparatively speaking…

  37. Lex — just write, dude…just forget being fuckin’ Dennis Franz for a second (I hope to never viddy your bare ass on a television at any point in my life, anyway). Once you’re an established commodity, you may begin to have more options as far as branching out into other areas. Look at Vin Diesel — dude started out as a writer/director…think he ever wants to return to those Cassavetian “roots?” Naw, baby, naw.

    But for now, write. It is something you’re good at — at least, you know, comparatively speaking…

  38. I think Lex is like a lot of people where if we spent as much time being productive as we do writing on internet message boards we’d all be rich and famous by now.

  39. I think Lex is like a lot of people where if we spent as much time being productive as we do writing on internet message boards we’d all be rich and famous by now.

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