What I've Learned

email this story
read comments (54)
post a comment

I've tried to follow the example of Cary Grant in my life, and the effort that has gone into this has served me well. Always try to be gracious and gentlemanly. Stay as trim as you can. Be a cheapskate. Try to eat less. Enjoy good wine but stay away from the booze. LSD is good for the soul. Don't go bald.

You must have good wifi everywhere, at all times, forever. Even after death.

It's a good thing to own a baseball mitt, and to have a catch with someone on a big green lawn every so often. Preferably when the light is just starting to go down. And it's okay to groan like John McEnroe when you throw the ball.

The more free food and drink you consume, the better you're doing in life. Free movies, free trips, goodie bags, etc. Paying for things always feels bad.

You don't need an education that will set you back $150,000 and keep you in debt for over 20 years if you have curiosity. That's what John Huston used to say, and is what Owen Wilson believes right now.

You really do need to know everything about something and something about everything. And if you don't know something you just have to be curious about it. Easy.

When all the right things are aligned (talent, tune, purpose, spirit), there are few things in life more transporting than electric guitar and bass and drums. Forget the vocals.

People have an unmistakable gleam in their eye when they're 18 or 19 and about to start college. A gleam that says, "Holy shit, I can't wait...all this stuff to savor, all these things to learn, all these places to see." By the time most people have hit 43, that gleam has been diminished if not snuffed out. That's what I saw at my 25th high-school reunion. No more adventures, thank you. I've got my deal more or less worked out and I love my wife and my kids and my weekend routine, and we go to Mexico or the Caribbean once a year. But about 5% of the people at that reunion still had that gleam. Thank God for that.

People spend way too much time sitting around with friends and blah-blahing about next to nothing in bars and restaurants. It feels good to do this -- I get that -- but the less time you spend shooting spurious shit with fair-weather friends, the better.

Life is nothing without travel to exotic places that other Americans don't go to because the hotels aren't swanky enough.

Woody Allen and Rod Stewart were right. Some people are just lucky and don't have to sweat it all that much. Their genes and heritage have paved a path. Life is unfair. But if things go too easily or too well for anyone too early, they always seem to suffer on some level. It's best to come into the really good stuff when you get a bit older.

Don Corleone had the kid thing all figured out. He said that "a man who doesn't spend time with his children can never be a real man." You also have to be able to roll around and laugh and play dopey kid games, especially with toddlers. If you can't let that side of yourself out, or if you can't find it, then you're a kind of prisoner.

Women always let you know within seconds if you're "in" -- i.e., if they like you enough to want to go to bed with you. Now, that doesn't mean it's going to happen. At all. There are 117 different things you can do or say that will change their mind, and if you can think of 75 of these things in advance you're a genius. But women always flash that initial green light within seconds of meeting you. Not minutes. Seconds.

Sports-watching is obviously about spiritual nourishment, a ritual that feeds you with feelings and values that you believe are good for your soul. But guys who watch sports in a ritualistic way are essentially living in a secular and, to some extent, prohibitive realm. I'm not saying that realm isn't a good place to dwell in many respects, but it does shut out some things. Remember how Ray Liotta talked in Goodfellas about how he and Robert De Niro and their wives always hung out and shared Sunday dinners and went on vacations together, year after year? That's what sports guys are like. A sports guy hasn't really turned the key in the lock of life until he can say to himself, "Yeah, I used to be an ESPN guy but now I [fill in the blank]."

"Bad luck. That's all it is. I pray in your life you will never find it runs in streaks. Streaks. I pray it misses you. That's all I want to say."

People I knew who partied hard in their late teens and into their early to mid 20s -- the real animals, I mean -- have all tended to end up in bad and depleted places. Some of them are dead or close to it. You have to rein that shit in or it'll take you down. I almost succumbed to it myself.

A computer is like a person. You have to turn it off two or three times a week and let it rest. I knew that instinctually when I first starting working with them, but then I talked to a tech guy who told me it's better to just leave them on and let them "sleep." Jerk.

People who are still hanging out with a posse by the time they hit 30 are emotional infants. And posse people who throw their heads back and laugh loudly in restaurants and bars to the point of obnoxious shrieking, over and over while others are sitting near them and having to listen to them bust a gut like jackals, are truly repellent.

Friends will not save you. Girlfriends and wives will not save you. Your mother and/or your father will not save you. You have to save you. I've known an awful lot of guys (myself included) who've spent their 20s looking for some form of salvation from some combination of the above.

But life without a few supportive friends (i.e., the ones who decided to embrace and accept you, asshole-ish tendencies and all, a long time ago and have never changed their minds) and quality-level girlfriends or wives isn't much of a life. Dogs and cats also tend to round things out.

Oh, to live in a world without stupidity and ignorance and religions. I don't believe that right-wing Christians should be thrown to the lions, but I certainly understand the thinking of the Romans who felt that way about their ancestors.

Woody Allen was also right about unstable kamikaze women being the best in bed. But nine times out of ten you'll go crazy yourself if you settle down with them to any degree, so you have to be practical and choose someone sane and stable with good partnership qualities, and that, sad to say, tends to mean (and I truly wish it were otherwise) that sex with long-term partners never compares to insanity sex with nutty women in parking lots and whatnot.

You have to be able to know and sing all the harmonic parts in all the Beatles songs. You have to know them cold. If someone wakes you up at 4 am, you have to be able to sing the low-harmony stuff without thinking about it. "Sometimes when I'm lonely, wishing you weren't so far away" and "we'll go all night long," etc.

When I was approaching 30 I remember feeling unnerved when I read this statement: "Whatever you are at 30, you're going to be a lot more of." Whoa. But the guy who said that was operating on the presumption that most 30 year-olds have come into themselves by tasting a certain amount of success and failure, and have more or less decided what they really want and how to play it, and that the remaining 40 or 50 or 60 years will involve occasional dips and turns and rainstorms but will basically be a matter of "steady as she goes." Well, it's not like that. Sometimes it doesn't kick in until you're 40-plus. Certainly the new threshold for maturity is 40 these days. That's when you really have to stop exploring other realms besides living off your weekly poker game with your homies (not to mention video games and skiing trips and Sunday football parties).

Very few straight-male friendships last for more than a couple of decades. Sooner or later paths diverge. Guys don't break up with each other. They just gradually diverge and call less and less and then stop calling except for special occasions, and then that starts to happen less and less. Actually, I take that back. I've known one straight guy who actually broke up with me.

People never tell the truth about themselves at parties.

Old Tron<< previous | next >>Let It Go

Posted by Jeffrey Wells on November 21, 2010 at 5:58 AM

comment #1

Brendan says ...

Brilliant. Pretty much sums up the reason I read you everyday. Just read this after buying my first electric guitar today in NYC at age 38. I feel so alive - thanks Jeff

Posted by Brendan at November 21, 2010 9:39 AM

comment #2

Tim says ...

You're the best, Jeff.

Posted by Tim at November 21, 2010 10:07 AM

comment #3

Pinko Punko says ...

"Don't go bald"

Uh, OK?

How about "don't sweat what you can't control"

Posted by Pinko Punko at November 21, 2010 10:17 AM

comment #4

DuluozGray says ...

Except for the Beatles nonsense, very good post.

Posted by DuluozGray at November 21, 2010 10:20 AM

comment #5

Krillian says ...

"Don't go bald."

I tried rogaine and kevis, but alas...

Posted by Krillian at November 21, 2010 10:21 AM

comment #6

VoiceOfReason says ...

Goddamn, this is a nice post. Harvard needs to get on it and book your ass for commencement.

Posted by VoiceOfReason at November 21, 2010 10:22 AM

comment #7

Los Bostonian says ...

Nice work Jeff. The bits about male friends are quite inspired. I'm 31 and have had probably 7-10 "Best" friends in my life, at a certain point you just need to go "Ok, we are buddies for now due to common interests, but this will definitely change in a couple years, especially if one of us gets married, divorced or starts dating a crazy obsessive chick."

I try to stay in touch with childhood friends through fb etc, but having a conversation with a guy living in a small NH town who sells cars and has 2 kids is mindnumbling. I think once people make peace with this aspect of friendship, life becomes significantly easier.

Posted by Los Bostonian at November 21, 2010 10:25 AM

comment #8

Tim says ...

"the beatles nonsense" is the best part of the piece.

Posted by Tim at November 21, 2010 10:35 AM

comment #9

Ray DeRousse says ...

Bah ... I have lots of straight male friendships that have lasted well over two decades - a few over three decades - despite being separated by distances, financial levels, and marital situations. It's all about maintaining the laughter and comraderie and showing occasional empathy.

Jeff, I know you like to fancy yourself as some sort of lone wolf who needs nobody in life, but you really need to get a couple of actual friendships and find out what it's really like.

Posted by Ray DeRousse at November 21, 2010 10:39 AM

comment #10

ModernLifeIsRubbish says ...

Wow. This was very clear-eyed, poignant, and well-written.

The straight-male friendships bit stung. So did Los Bostonian's comment. I'm only 20, but I'm in the process of "drifting away" from a since-school best friend, who has entered into a serious live-in relationship, is considering marriage, etc. It's weird how it happens--less calls, less in common, and so on and so forth.

Posted by ModernLifeIsRubbish at November 21, 2010 10:45 AM

comment #11

Movie Watcher says ...

If you do go bald, or begin to, just shave your dome and keep it that way. The sight of a middle-aged man, bald on top, with a ponytail, is sad.

Posted by Movie Watcher at November 21, 2010 10:57 AM

comment #12

Gabe@ThePlaylist says ...

Don't live a life where you're above breaking into your enemies' backyards and shitting on their poolside table. We're being honest here, right?

Posted by Gabe@ThePlaylist at November 21, 2010 10:57 AM

comment #13

DuluozGray says ...

Gabe, you have the best movie site on the Internet, seriously. Just wanted you to know that.

Posted by DuluozGray at November 21, 2010 11:08 AM

comment #14

BobbyLupo says ...

Here's a fun game; do a shot every time you read a "rule" in this post that Jeff regularly breaks (going solely by the evidence of this actual blog).

If you can make it through the entire piece playing this game, do not, under any circumstances, get behind the wheel of a car for at least eight hours afterwards.

Posted by BobbyLupo at November 21, 2010 11:14 AM

comment #15

George Prager says ...

Just put the DVD in the player and if your girlfriend/wife/partner begins to bitch and moan because the movie is not enhancing her lifestyle, just tell her to shut the fuck up and watch. If she gets up and leaves, you're better off.

Posted by George Prager at November 21, 2010 11:18 AM

comment #16

Gabe@ThePlaylist says ...

Aside from a few words replaced in George's post, that's kind of my life philosophy. Specific words.

Posted by Gabe@ThePlaylist at November 21, 2010 11:27 AM

comment #17

LexG says ...

I hate for this to be the one immediate thing I seize on in Jeff's well-written piece, but as a quickie (and this me rehashing material):

"Don't go bald," and Movie Watcher's comment above that you need to buzz it off at the first sign of thinness:

Tell that Michael Keaton, William Hurt, Ed O'Neil, Anthony Hopkins, Bill Murray, Jack Nicholson, all of whom were viable leading men for years, decades, with respectable and dignified balding heads of hair. You didn't see any of those guys buzzing it down to look like fucking Vin Diesel. And the guy with the wispiest, thinnest hair in moviedom, Ed Harris, looked like a total asshole the one time he went Mr. Clean in The Firm.

If you do go thin, do whatever the hell you want with it. Shaved heads look worse than just about anything.

Posted by LexG at November 21, 2010 11:30 AM

comment #18

Gabe@ThePlaylist says ...

That should be amended to "Go bald like Ed Harris." Or "Be Ed Harris in 'Knightriders.'" Actually, that last one should cover all the bases.

Posted by Gabe@ThePlaylist at November 21, 2010 11:36 AM

comment #19

tommy five-tone says ...

Got tired of waiting for Esquire to call so you just went and interviewed yourself, huh? If you say so, pally.

Posted by tommy five-tone at November 21, 2010 11:42 AM

comment #20

Jeffrey Wells says ...

Yeah, I say so. And blow me while you're at it. Seriously, the Esquire website has asked people to submit their own "What I've Learned" so I figured why not just do one of my own.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at November 21, 2010 11:44 AM

comment #21

John Cocktosten says ...

That was wonderful to read --thanks.

I'd add another bitter truth: If a best friend or even a sibling marries someone you dislike, you had better accept that you have lost them and learn to deal with it. Any attempt to bring to light the foul soul of their chosen spouse will only lead to a larger rupture. At least until the inevitable divorce and midlife crisis.

Posted by John Cocktosten at November 21, 2010 11:50 AM

comment #22

Los Bostonian says ...

Lex is dead on regarding the shaved head, some people start to look like Harley Davidson drugrunners if they shave the head. If your hair is going, feel it out first, but if you look like an extra in American History X, the Larry David works.

Posted by Los Bostonian at November 21, 2010 11:52 AM

comment #23

DiscoNap says ...

Don't forget marry Dyan Cannon, scare the shit out of her, actually try to bite her, be hated by your children.

Posted by DiscoNap at November 21, 2010 11:53 AM

comment #24

Rich S. says ...

Woody Allen and Rod Stewart also love sports. So does Jack Nicholson. Hyman Roth contemplated the fate of Cuba while watching football.

Posted by Rich S. at November 21, 2010 11:54 AM

comment #25

George Prager says ...

If I was balding, John Ventimiglia would be my hair role model.

Posted by George Prager at November 21, 2010 11:56 AM

comment #26

DiscoNap says ...

Also Cary Grant got tired and jumped out of the game almost as soon as there were even the slightest tremors that film was changing. He didn't do shit for the last 25 years of his life. Not exactly a role model for a 'die with your boots on' guy like Wells.

Posted by DiscoNap at November 21, 2010 12:00 PM

comment #27

DiscoNap says ...

With all my squawking I should say this is a very nice piece.

Posted by DiscoNap at November 21, 2010 12:01 PM

comment #28

George Prager says ...

You're right, DiscoNap, he could've played the Fred Astaire role in TOWERING INFERNO, done a couple of Love Boats and Fantasy Islands. That would've been awesome.

Posted by George Prager at November 21, 2010 12:02 PM

comment #29

actionlover says ...

I'd pay money to watch Jeffrey throw a baseball.

And every movie mentioned above is a masterpiece.

Posted by actionlover at November 21, 2010 12:11 PM

comment #30

DiscoNap says ...

Prager that is probably what he would have done yeah, but lets think idealistically.

Posted by DiscoNap at November 21, 2010 12:14 PM

comment #31

Manitoba says ...

Love the baseball mitt and joys of playing catch reference. I still have my old Little League glove here. Alas,my front yard "Field of Dreams" just filled up with snow and I'm probabl;y out of business until late March.

Posted by Manitoba at November 21, 2010 12:46 PM

comment #32

Billy Pilgrim says ...

Brilliant Jeff!

After reading the bit about guitar, bass and drums, I beg you to give RUSH another try...maybe just the instrumentals.

Posted by Billy Pilgrim at November 21, 2010 1:29 PM

comment #33

fredderf says ...

My dad's all the way across the world now, and has been for most of my life, but i feel like I just had a long long talk with him about everything and nothing.

Posted by fredderf at November 21, 2010 1:41 PM

comment #34

lazarus says ...

There is so much in Jeff's post I don't even know where to start.

But yes, I probably got the biggest smile out of the Beatles part.

And I can definitely sing ALL those parts. But one should also know every bass line, guitar part, and drumbeat. There's nothing like playing air drums to the increasingly-complex Ringo beats in I Want You (She's So Heavy) while occasionally switching over to that Macca bass groove when everything else drops out, and then to that apocalyptic guitar maelstrom at the end.

Posted by lazarus at November 21, 2010 1:52 PM

comment #35

Billy says ...

Jeff, are you dying?

Posted by Billy at November 21, 2010 1:55 PM

comment #36

HHH says ...

Yeah, this post is mostly, if not all, bullshit. Wells is one of those guys who looks at himself in the mirror and see what he wants, not what reality is. NO way to live in the real world, bro.

Posted by HHH at November 21, 2010 1:57 PM

comment #37

Dan Revill says ...

Great piece of writing.

I've had plenty of friendships drift apart during my 20s. I turn 30 next year, and while I occasionally miss some of those people, it isn't that big of a deal in the end.
You have to be intentional when you grow older. You can't expect things to be as easy as when you were 16. Plus people change. I wasn't the same person then as I am now and neither are those others. We just have different paths. I'm sure many I will meet again, but I doubt any of us are worse off.

I really don't think men need a ton of close friends anyhow. Two or three are fine and the rest I open up with at my discretion.

Posted by Dan Revill at November 21, 2010 2:08 PM

comment #38

Krillian says ...

When I was in college, guys with thinning hair didn't want to shave their heads for fear people would accuse them of being Nazi racist skinheads. Ever see that race-baiting laugh-a-thon Higher Learning? Nothing scarier than a white boy shaving his head, according to John Singleton.

Posted by Krillian at November 21, 2010 2:39 PM

comment #39

DiscoNap says ...

UnLearn, Krillian. UnLearn.

Yeah that movie sucks.

Posted by DiscoNap at November 21, 2010 3:05 PM

comment #40

George Prager says ...

That movie is so bad it's good.

Posted by George Prager at November 21, 2010 3:14 PM

comment #41

C.C. Baxter says ...

I'm anxiously awaiting the Glenn Kenny post which will read,

"Shorter Jeff Wells: I'm poor, uneducated, and have no friends."

Posted by C.C. Baxter at November 21, 2010 3:36 PM

comment #42

crazynine says ...

Jeff, I give you more shit than I should give a complete stranger, I acknowledge this.

For this post? Minor quibbles from differences of personal opinion aside... thank you.

That's some great stuff, and it's why I still come here even after you write something that pisses me off.

Thanks for this, thanks for continuing to write online even when you probably have wanted to give up on it over the years.

Posted by crazynine at November 21, 2010 4:01 PM

comment #43

Glenn Kenny says ...

@ C.C. Baxter: Well, now I CAN'T put up such a post, can I? Yeesh.

Not that I would have, anyway. There IS such a thing as too-low-hanging fruit.

Posted by Glenn Kenny at November 21, 2010 7:04 PM

comment #44

moviegal44 says ...

I related to much of Jeff's piece ( except for the balding ) but very much so about The Beatles. Coincidentially, I just finished a weeks worth of watching The Beatles Anthology. One of the best DVD's of all time. It' so interesting to see Paul, George and Ringo talk about writing and making certain songs. Lots of Lennon stuff in there too. I'm amazed at what they accomplished in a short amount of time and how much they grew as musician's, singers and songwriters as well in that short time.
Good article Jeff !

Posted by moviegal44 at November 21, 2010 10:48 PM

comment #45

Nick X says ...

Best HE post in a long, long time. Also, there's nothing wrong with shaving your head as long as you have a nicely-shaped skull.

Posted by Nick X at November 22, 2010 6:14 AM

comment #46

fkwok says ...

Seriously, this deserves a longer treatment. Bravo.

Best HE piece in a many a moon.

Posted by fkwok at November 22, 2010 6:40 AM

comment #47

Jaytierney says ...

Arguing with little specific points here or there is really missing the point. Great post. The bit about bad luck is spot on and I think it's such a terrifying concept most people try not to think about it.

Posted by Jaytierney at November 22, 2010 10:39 AM

comment #48

bmcintire says ...

Much of this post seems honorable enough (if a little too self-flattering), but two points struck me as weak sauce:
Being a cheapskate and coasting on freebies as a measure of how good you are doing is a douchebag maneuver. Paying for stuff that you've earned feels AWESOME.
And wine is for women and pussies. Stick with the booze.

Posted by bmcintire at November 22, 2010 11:49 AM

comment #49

BT64 says ...

Another Epic piece!

Posted by BT64 at November 22, 2010 1:18 PM

comment #50

Baron Munchausen-by-Proxy says ...

The "Beatles nonsense" contains the juiciest bit: that Jeff believes 'we'll go on and on' as 'we'll go all night long'. Which sorta directly undermines the effectiveness of the lecture.

Posted by Baron Munchausen-by-Proxy at November 22, 2010 6:17 PM

comment #51

RyanAdams says ...

"I've tried to follow the example of Cary Grant in my life, and the effort that has gone into this has served me well. Always try to be gracious and gentlemanly. Stay as trim as you can..."

...and suck some dick every now and again.

(Nobody else wants to extrapolate around here, then I will.)

Posted by RyanAdams at November 26, 2010 10:27 AM

comment #52