Swords and Couches
Today I took my samurai sword to be sharpened at The Sword and the Stone (723 Victory Blvd., Burbank), the greatest ancient weaponry store (newly crafted “old” swords, medieval and Roman helmets, breastplates, hand-hooks) and hot medieval bikini-babe fantasy environment I’ve visited in months, if not years. The blade of my samurai sword is now razor sharp. If anyone breaks into my place I’ll chop his hand off and open him up like can of beans.
Gittes: “Tell me, are you still puttin’ chinamen in jail for spittin’ in the laundry?” Escobar: “You’re a little behind the times, Jake. They used steam irons now. Besides I’m not in Chinatown any more.” Gittes: “Oh, yeah? Since when?” Escobar: “Since I made lieutenant.”
Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk and David Fincher told us to stay away from Ikea. But that’s where I go when I need a couch that I can afford — a new one, I mean, that doesn’t smell like someone else.
Did you see Black Death yet, Jeff?
I am envisioning an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom type end for our dear film blog writer when an Indiana Jones like thug pulls out his gun and shoots the samurai sword wielding Wells. Requiescat in pace.
Maybe Jeff felt the need to be prepared after his recent posting about his affair with another guy’s wife? Like, maybe he stirred up old memories in someone who finally put two and two together?
Careful you don’t cut yourself with that thing. I remember you had a near death experience with an X-Acto knife a few years ago.
Jeff`s armored hand did make me laugh out loud, so did the comments.
I wonder what the last words of the “samurai sword wielding Wells”will be after getting shot…
I wonder what the last words of the “samurai sword wielding Wells”will be after getting shot…
don’t be so cynical, Jeff is an expert swordsman thanks to those thousands of Asian-machismo sword-fight movies he’s seen
have a friend who collects swords mostly old … ren fair anyone? …. and he told me once he grabbed one of his samurai swords incorrectly and the blade cut the palm of his hand down to the bone … the doctor who dressed his wound told him it was the cleanest cut he ever saw
have a friend who collects swords mostly old … ren fair anyone? …. and he told me once he grabbed one of his samurai swords incorrectly and the blade cut the palm of his hand down to the bone … the doctor who dressed his wound told him it was the cleanest cut he ever saw
Unfortunately, berg’s posts cut twice, once going in and once going out.
That’s a black couch. Those cat hairs are going to show.
How is it that I’ve been following Wells since the Mr. Showbiz days, and I’m only now learning of his fetish for super-sharp samurai swords??? Also, I can’t wait to use “open him up like a can of beans” in a sentence, which I will do at the earliest available opportunity.
After applying rust cleaner to the samurai blade, I was wiping the stuff off and — you guessed it — sliced through the tip of my left-hand fourth finger (the one next to the pinkie). Blood droppings all over the kitchen sink.
And it cuts through pear cake like nobody’s business.
“After applying rust cleaner to the samurai blade, I was wiping the stuff off and — you guessed it — sliced through the tip of my left-hand fourth finger (the one next to the pinkie). Blood droppings all over the kitchen sink.”
So you bought the gauntlet, then, to prevent such accidents in the future?
Don’t forget the X-Acto knife incident that led to the puffy bear claw.
And if you get the puffy bear claw, avoid Century City Doctors Hospital. Head straight to the stirring George Clooney goodness of the doctors at UCLA Olive View County Hospital.
http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/2006/08/hospital_interl.php
http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/2006/08/bear_claw_part.php
Katana: too unwieldy to swing cleanly during apartment break-ins.
Better a cinquedea or a dirk. Diggling into entrails with a twist.
And, of course, all of htis is coming from a guy who is afraid to get his hands dirty changing a tire.
Just buy a gun, Jeff.
The ideal home invasion defender is an extendable police-baton with a built in taser. It’s short so you can swing it around it tight hallways, or you could just jab it into their neck and watch them have a seizure as you club them into a mess all over the carpet.
Of course, you would need to be in touch with the black market to get one of these. Or friends with a crooked cop.
Guns are too messy, and then you have to deal with that whole “I killed somebody” shit for the rest of your life…
You need something safer than a gun or a samurai sword — safer for both your home invader and yourself.
You need one of those collapsible batons like Jennifer Lopez used to cool Isaiah Washington’s jets in Out of Sight.
“You wanted to tussle. We tussled.”
No way. Samurai sword! The odds of whoever’s robbing Jeff’s house knowing who he actually is is small, therefore the burglar’s going to assume anyone who owns a samurai sword and now yields it in his living room is indeed Bruce Willis’s Butch the Boxer. He can even raise it with a Mel Blanc “Hassannnn CHOP!” and there will be a burglar-shaped hole in his wall with footprints leading down the street.
SUCKER PUNCH = MASTERPIECE.
Emily Browning = More like Emily BOWING. LOOK AT HER.
That is all. YEP YEP x TEN ZILLION.
Very wise purchase.
Burglar entrails slide right off of those Ikea couches.
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