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David Gordon Green's Your Highness (Universal, 4.8) is so poorly written, so uninvested in genuine stoner humor (a la The Big Lebowski and Wonder Boys), and so appallingly unsuccessful that it's a bit of a challenge to accurately describe it. But it's definitely not funny -- that you can take to the bank.

I'm not exaggerating in calling this a landmark in the annals of crapitude and dick jokes and the fine corporate art of farting in the audience's face. It's easily one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life. But I stayed to the end! And I'm almost proud of this because everything in my mind was saying "go...escape...free yourself!"

Your Highness is a mixture of a kind of 12th Century, Lord of the Rings/Robin Hood-y backdrop atmosphere, showoff CG and action scenes with eye-filling cinematography and a full-blast orchestral score, a completely moronic and non-cohesive genre-spoof story with -- this is the core marketing element -- unregenerate pig-slob-lameass-burp-stoner dialogue and attitudes as performed by Danny McBride, whose dirtbag prince character, Thadeous, can be seen as a kind of time-travelling emissary from degraded 21st Century culture.

Thadeous is a boorish, unrefined, masturbating, overweight slob forced by his king father (Charles Dance) to accompany his heroic, big-hearted brother Fabious (James Franco) on a quest to save Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), fiancee of Fabious, from the clutches of Leezar (Justin Theroux), a standard-issue demonic wizard who's kidnapped her and who poses a general threat, etc. Natalie Portman is some kind of wandering samurai bow-and-arrow girl who jumps into the story in Act Two.

It's one of those inert exercises in ironic distance -- another SNL skit stretched to feature length and amplified, wide-screened and CG'ed to a fare-thee-well. "We're just kidding, nobody's in this stupid thing, we're all getting paid," etc. At best the crowd at last night's Arclight screening was smirking and tittering now and then. There were no laughs to speak of and for damn sure no belly laughs.

Take out the oppressive action scenes and nudity titillation and production values that Universal execs probably insisted upon -- the CG, costumes, eye-filling landscapes, sweeping score, etc. -- and you're left with a dopey story that's basically about a selfish low-life swearing and dick-joking his way through a series of unconnected sketches about supernatural threats that aren't even fake-real, and nothing that anyone (in the film or the audience) really cares about.

Question: If Theroux and his three old-witch allies have the power to throw electric flash-bolts at their adversaries and throw them against walls and knock them cold, why don't they have the power to slice their heads off? Or change them into farm animals? Or wound them so badly so they're left unconscious, or can't do anything except lie on the ground and groan? We all know the answer, and I think we're all sick of these rules.

There's one bit -- one! -- that I half-smirked at. It's performed by Theroux and involves the fate of a tiny Tinkerbell-like fairy. That's all I'm going to say.

I was 90% delighted with Green's Pineapple Express, but this thing is a disaster. Green is a longtime pally of McBride's, who wrote the script with Ben Best, and their friendship (along with the stunning cluelessness of Universal executives) is apparently the key reason why audiences will be grappling with Your Highness this weekend.

Has there ever been a more radical transformation...corruption, I mean, in the style and tone of a once-respected director than what has happened with Green? Some day the New Beverly Cinema will show a double bill of Your Highness and George Washington, Green's small-scale 2000 film that struck almost everyone as being Terrence Malick-y. And the people that experience that double-bill are going to come out staggering and saying, "What kind of sell-out kool-aid did Green drink?"

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Posted by Jeffrey Wells on April 5, 2011 at 9:41 AM

comment #1

Jim Peacock says ...

thing

Posted by Jim Peacock at April 5, 2011 11:51 AM

comment #2

NickF says ...

Natalie was definitely hoarding paychecks in anticipation of getting pregnant. Seems like typical behavior to be honest.

Posted by NickF at April 5, 2011 11:59 AM

comment #3

Jeffrey Wells says ...

Wells to Peacock: Used as a colloquial quote, asshole. You're banned.

Wells to Nick F: You know something? That makes sense, what you've said.

Posted by Jeffrey Wells at April 5, 2011 12:04 PM

comment #4

bluetide says ...

Damn, I was optimistic that this would be grandly stupid in an entertaining way. No one does stupid asshole better than Danny McBride.

Posted by bluetide at April 5, 2011 12:19 PM

comment #5

EricGilde says ...

There are stoner flicks that artfully use/reference stoner life and culture (Lebowski, Wonder Boys, etc), and those that just require you to be really baked to be able to derive any sense of pleasure from them.

You Highness was always going to be more within the latter category, but I'm a bit sad to be hearing from so many that it appears to be so FORCEFULLY within that realm. Particularly because, as many others have noted, Eastbound and Down is a pretty wonderful gem of a show.

Even to avoid putting a strict value judgment on DGG's work, what other directors come to mind in terms of having such an unexpected shift in trajectory in their careers? It certainly is a striking one.

Posted by EricGilde at April 5, 2011 12:19 PM

comment #6

Luke Y. Thompson says ...

"Even to avoid putting a strict value judgment on DGG's work, what other directors come to mind in terms of having such an unexpected shift in trajectory in their careers?"

Peter Jackson, when he made Heavenly Creatures.

Posted by Luke Y. Thompson at April 5, 2011 12:31 PM

comment #7

George Prager says ...

Yeesh. That trailer is a bummer. It answers the question: What if Philip Baker Hall's character from BOOGIE NIGHTS produced R-rated comedies?

Posted by George Prager at April 5, 2011 12:33 PM

comment #8

Cadavra says ...

I think you're not giving enough blame to the Universal guys. If the story and dialogue are as dreadful as you say--and I certainly have no reason to doubt you--how could they possibly fund and greenlight such an obvious stiff? It's not like McBride and Green were holding their families hostage.

Posted by Cadavra at April 5, 2011 12:37 PM

comment #9

Floyd Thursby says ...

"what other directors come to mind in terms of having such an unexpected shift in trajectory in their careers?"

Behold Daniel Mann: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0542702/

After making several respectable, middlebrow films (most of them dull), Mann shifted focus, beginning with Who's Got the Action?, to mostly dumb genre movies, though he gets a pass for Our Man Flint and Willard.

Posted by Floyd Thursby at April 5, 2011 12:37 PM

comment #10

LexG says ...

Prager: "These are the real people in the world."

How's it compare to LAND OF THE LOST? Which it looks like almost to a T. How much Zooey?

Posted by LexG at April 5, 2011 12:38 PM

comment #11

George Prager says ...

"what other directors come to mind in terms of having such an unexpected shift in trajectory in their careers?"

Behold Daniel Mann...

Can we refrain from answering these questions by bringing up directors from the 50s who made a bunch of Kirk Douglas movies that no one has watched in 40 years except on black and white televisions in Idaho motels?

Posted by George Prager at April 5, 2011 12:41 PM

comment #12

Krillian says ...

You mean Jason Robards' character?

Actually, Philip Baker Hall's makes weird sense too...

So the real questions is: is this actually worse than Year One? Is this one where critics are relishing writing its eulogy on their Worst lists in eight months?

Posted by Krillian at April 5, 2011 12:41 PM

comment #13

Mr Hooper says ...

hate to say it, Wells, but Jim Peacock's onto something with his "thing" thing. You do tend to rely on that a bit too much, methinks, including a couple of instances in this post. But who's counting, right?

Anyway, it's obvious from the trailer that YH is a steaming turd. Aside from Eastbound McBride is obnoxiously unfunny and everybody else involved was probably just thinking about their bank accounts and how much fun it would be to make some stupid stoner comedy with swords and armour and how they wouldn't have to think or act and who cares if it's not funny to audiences as long as they had fun making it.

Posted by Mr Hooper at April 5, 2011 12:42 PM

comment #14

Krillian says ...

Ha, I just mixed up Boogie Nights and Magnolia in my head.

I actually hated Year One more than Land of the Lost, but both were awful

Posted by Krillian at April 5, 2011 12:43 PM

comment #15

George Prager says ...

"what other directors come to mind in terms of having such an unexpected shift in trajectory in their careers?"

Behold Howard H. Krenneback.

After making a series of claustrophic potboilers for Monogram which usually starred Ida Lupino, he switched gears in the 40s and made a series of B movie westerns that featured wide vistas...

Posted by George Prager at April 5, 2011 12:47 PM

comment #16

LexG says ...

Is Wells in such a frothing rage about this crappy movie that I can skirt the terms of my continued presence here by asking if Natalie or Zooey at least show their feet?

Posted by LexG at April 5, 2011 12:54 PM

comment #17

Ray DeRousse says ...

I can't help but think that this film would be so much better if they would've gone low-tech with it and eliminated all of the CG "action" bullshit. Sort of like a stonier version of Life of Brian.

Posted by Ray DeRousse at April 5, 2011 1:01 PM

comment #18

actionman says ...

http://blogs.indiewire.com/theplaylist/archives/review_your_highness_is_gloriously_goofy_fantasy_fun/

interesting. i sense a big disconnect about to happen with this film.

Posted by actionman at April 5, 2011 1:02 PM

comment #19

Wrecktem says ...

This is the type of film that'll be watched over-and-over again at pre-teen slumber parties and smoke-filled dorm rooms for years to come. Wells can gnash his teeth all he wants, but 25 years from now 20 and 30-something movie fans will regard Your Highness with deep nostalgic affection. Hell, maybe they'll even shoot a remake in 2032.

Of course we'll all be old men or dead, so it won't matter what we think.

Posted by Wrecktem at April 5, 2011 1:24 PM

comment #20

Mr. F. says ...

Thought process of the average moviegoer, and why I can see this movie being somewhat successful:

"Sure, it looks like absolute crap... a steaming pile of cinematic excrement... one of the worst movies ever made, like everyone is saying... but I don't have any plans this weekend and haven't seen ads for anything else, so I'll check it out Friday night."

(or alternately: "Sure, it's going to suck... but I want to see JUST HOW MUCH it sucks and can't wait three months for Netflix.")

Posted by Mr. F. at April 5, 2011 1:32 PM

comment #21

dino velvet says ...

Hot fuckin' action to the max, Jack. I don't really have anything to say here, I just wanted to get in on the Floyd Gondoli references.

Posted by dino velvet at April 5, 2011 1:32 PM

comment #22

dkaye says ...

What's even weirder is that this guy plans to remake SUSPIRIA -- an idiotic idea to begin with and one that makes no sense at all in the context of his career.

Posted by dkaye at April 5, 2011 1:38 PM

comment #23

Abbey Normal says ...

Dino: i always thought he said "hot FUCK action," which I think is pornier.

Posted by Abbey Normal at April 5, 2011 1:58 PM

comment #24

BobbyLupo says ...

"Has there ever been a more radical transformation...corruption, I mean, in the style and tone of a once-respected director than what has happened with Green?"

What I think makes it especially unusual is that, due to the random fluke that Green comes from Red Bank and Kevin Smith comes from Red Bank, Green was constantly asked questions about Smith while promoting his first movie, and said a lot of things that, as of Green's interests now, look extremely hypocritical or, at best, pretentious.

Posted by BobbyLupo at April 5, 2011 2:06 PM

comment #25

YND says ...

Since when the hell is David Gordon Green from Jersey?

Posted by YND at April 5, 2011 2:15 PM

comment #26

Glenn Kenny says ...

The best thing about this review is that it comes directly after a post in which Wells expresses his eagerness to see a Martin Luther King biopic that addresses the man's "poon appetites." In boldface, yet!

Posted by Glenn Kenny at April 5, 2011 2:18 PM

comment #27

Terry McCarty says ...

Giving Danny McBride a small credit for his attempt at a vocal imitation of Oliver Reed.

Posted by Terry McCarty at April 5, 2011 2:19 PM

comment #28

Terry McCarty says ...

Scott Mendelson's review should answer Lex's "How much Zooey?" question (apparently, not much):
http://scottalanmendelson.blogspot.com/2011/04/review-your-highness-2011.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+MendelsonsMemos+%28Mendelson%27s+Memos%29

Posted by Terry McCarty at April 5, 2011 2:22 PM

comment #29

dino velvet says ...

Abbey : Let's check the tape on this issue! Hmm, sounds like it could be either...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH0kOWNtLFo

Posted by dino velvet at April 5, 2011 2:23 PM

comment #30

raygo says ...

A film with loincloths should most certainly feature feet ... one would hope.

Posted by raygo at April 5, 2011 2:40 PM

comment #31

LexG says ...

Sort of a appropriate on a day when Jeff is posting a thread on Anna Faris... but similar questions could be asked about Zooey Deschanel not really catching on. Peaked in the mid-00s, had that "every tubby film blogger thinks she's HIS girl" vibe, years of secondary leads and standard love interests finally getting a payoff with one-two punch of hit YES MAN and indie sensation/trademark performance 500 DAYS.

Lately seems she's disappeared up her own ass with that music career, and is it true she's signed to do SERIES TELEVISION? Kind of disappointing.

Posted by LexG at April 5, 2011 2:48 PM

comment #32

BobbyLupo says ...

"Since when the hell is David Gordon Green from Jersey?"

I don't know much about him, but that was what all the press for 'George Washington' said; why else were people repeatedly asking him questions about Kevin Smith? You think it was just some weird thing, they were trying to start a feud?

Posted by BobbyLupo at April 5, 2011 3:23 PM

comment #33

Mgmax, le Corbeau says ...

"Can we refrain from answering these questions by bringing up directors from the 50s who made a bunch of Kirk Douglas movies that no one has watched in 40 years except on black and white televisions in Idaho motels?"

Behold Leo McCarey.

Posted by Mgmax, le Corbeau at April 5, 2011 3:32 PM

comment #34

George Prager says ...

"This is the type of film that'll be watched over-and-over again at pre-teen slumber parties and smoke-filled dorm rooms for years to come."

They said the same thing about AIRHEADS.

Posted by George Prager at April 5, 2011 4:43 PM

comment #35

Kakihara says ...

Jeff: But how does it compare to Norbit?

Lex: Maybe Zooey notices, through her co-star-not to mention Lohan-how whoring her name and image for any gig can ruin her career, so she's trying to stay under the radar to maintain her cred?

Posted by Kakihara at April 5, 2011 7:00 PM

comment #36

gradystiles says ...

BobbyLupo, David Gordon Green is not from Red Bank. He was born in Arkansas, grew up in Texas, and went to the North Carolina School of the Arts, which is where he met McBride.

DGG once called Smith's movies the "Special Olympics" of independent film, which is probably why interviewers asked him even more questions about Smith...

Posted by gradystiles at April 5, 2011 7:54 PM

comment #37

Terry McCarty says ...

Here's Armond White's rave for YOUR HIGHNESS, which he considers Green's best film since GEORGE WASHINGTON: http://www.nypress.com/article-22281-inner-geeks.html

Posted by Terry McCarty at April 6, 2011 8:11 PM

comment #38