Keep or Exchange

Earlier today I was buying some regrettably expensive sunglasses at Macy’s at the Beverly Center, and I asked the sales girl to just let me wear them out and to forget the imitation leather case and the cleaning cloth and the plastic carrying bag and the receipt even. I just wanted the glasses.

“Are you sure?,” she said. “Because you’ll need the receipt if you want to return them.”

“I won’t. They’re just sunglasses.”

“You’d be surprised how many people come back and want to return or exchange,” she explained.

“What do they say when they do that?,” I asked. “What…’excuse me but these sunglasses that I bought yesterday don’t seem to be working out’?”

“I’m just saying, people change their minds,” she said.

“It’s like returning a handkerchief. ‘Excuse me but I bought this handkerchief yesterday and I blew my nose last night and it doesn’t seem to be functioning correctly so I need to return it.’ Or ‘excuse me but I bought this T-shirt yesterday and wore it during a date with this girl I just met and we went to a couple of bars and I don’t know…the T-shirt just isn’t working out. I’d like to exchange it for another.'”

People are so impulslve, compulsive, lame, scattered. Waddling around in their little fantasy-whim bubbles. They buy stuff without thinking and the next day they’re Marie Antoinette. “Eeeewww, Louis…this rack of lamb doesn’t taste right,” etc.

  • Paul Lynch

    The hinge will probably snap on your sunglasses now…… and then won’t you feel the fool!

  • LexG

    Jeff, why wouldn’t you just take the case and receipt? Would it have been that difficult?

    I think this was a Jeff Sneider original, but: Why can’t you just be normal?

  • Zach

    You can’t compare sunglasses to a t-shirt or handkerchief for a number of reasons too obvious to list here.

    And come on, give the poor sales girl a break. Maybe they looked better in the store mirror than they did outdoors. Maybe they were buying them for a specific purpose, and that particular pair didn’t quite do the trick. Maybe they needed to match another pair, and they weren’t similar enough. Maybe they needed them for a single occasion – to impress someone, or for a photo shoot – and didn’t want to commit to actually buying them.

  • Ray DeRousse

    “Ugh, Katie, you would not believe this crabby guy that rambled on and on about returning handkerchiefs when I asked if he wanted the receipt for his sunglasses! Geez…JUST SAY ‘NO THANKS’ and leave me alone, already!”

    — sales girl to her workmate after Jeff left.

  • Travis Actiontree

    During the conversation could you tell that she was frantically pressing the security button behind the counter?

  • hiviper

    so where do you keep expensive sunglasses when you’re traveling – crushed against your laptop?

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    Jeff bought the Opti-Grab’s by Navin R. Johnson.

  • The Thing

    Seriously Jeff, just write a screenplay about your daily life. People will say it’s just Curb Your Enthusiasm without Larry David, but HE will know better.

  • JLC

    Classic Wells. In the very first sentence, he expresses regret at having bought the sunglasses, and then spends the rest of the piece explaining how he dressed down the sales girl for helping him in case he wanted to return them. I guess he showed her!

  • austin111

    Auditioning for comedy central Jeff? By the way you might have used the case to protect the lenses in the shades from scratches when not on your face. Also sometimes certain tints can be uncomfortable for different people as odd as that may seem. I know this to be true as an eye doctor. Tints in the yellow to brown spectrum give me a headache for instance.

  • Dan Revill

    Hearing him tell it though, he’s the normal one. What I don’t understand is buying expensive sunglasses. Yes, there’s the quality issue, but since most pairs seem to always end up on the wrong end of an accident, spending more than $20 on a pair just seems insane.

    Jeff is right though, people tend to be impulsive when it comes to retail. I’m in management at a store, and people want to return the strangest things – meaning – why would you buy it? We sell it for a particular reason, and if you’re returning it, what was the rational for purchasing it in the first place. Also, we don’t accept returns without receipts, so Jeff you could have given the girl a break.

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    Personally I woudn’t pay any more than $50 for a pair. At the end of the day there just sunglasses

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    Seriously Jeff, just write a screenplay about your daily life. People will say it’s just Curb Your Enthusiasm without Larry David, but HE will know better.

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    Maybe they were buying them for a specific purpose, and that particular pair didn’t quite do the trick. Maybe they needed to match another pair, and they weren’t similar enough. Maybe they needed them for a single occasion – to impress someone, or for a photo shoot – and didn’t want to commit to actually buying them.

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    If there’s no sun today.. you return it.
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    If you trip, fall and land in some dog shit.. you return it.

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    Classic Wells. In the very first sentence, he expresses regret at having bought the sunglasses, and then spends the rest of the piece explaining how he dressed down the sales girl for helping him in case he wanted to return them. I guess he showed her!
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