I Enjoy Being A Vampire

To have finally crossed over, to finally know the splendor of being dead and glistening and eternally omnipotent, to stalk young deer in the forest and the ecstasy of the chase and the take-down, ripping their necks open, arterial blood spurt…aahhh! Wonderfully free, where I want to be, and married.

I respected Twilight, but New Moon (’09) and Eclipse (’10) were so dreadful that I resolved never to see another, so I didn’t catch Bill Condon‘s Breaking Dawn, not even on Bluray/DVD/streaming. But I was thinking what an amazing opportunity to adopt Bella’s POV during her death and rebirth, to take the audience into the tunnel and sense the light at the end of it, and then to bank left and make a beeline for the vampire light instead. None of the reviews described or indicated this so I’m assuming Bill didn’t explore this.

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14 thoughts on “I Enjoy Being A Vampire”

  2. The fact that you keep trying to elevate this POS while trashing The Hunger Games is pure hilarity Jeff. This series is all about teenage romance ( that’s why most of that teaser is about Bella flashing her engagement ring and showing her two men–for the girls to envy and swoon at) it has nothing to do with killer instincts or vampiric lore.

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  4. I saw HG over the weekend and I can’t agree with Jeff- I thought it was good. Jennifer Lawrence carries the movie on her shoulders like effing Forrest Gump carrying wounded Bubba out of the jungle of mediocrity.

    Anyway, they showed us the Twilight teaser that you linked above and there were snickers heard throughout the crowd. Twilight is utter garbage as a series of books, and the movies are even worse than the books. I’ll say this though, Jeff is right on that the first Twilight film is miles better than the rest; actually rising above the shitty source material in many respects. From there, they go straight into the toilet, and Breaking Dawn Pt 1 may be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, like ever.

    Bottom line:

    Hunger Games is to Olympics as Twilight is to Special Olympics.

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  5. “Breaking Dawn Pt 1 may be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, like ever.”

    Agreed. I sort of like the first one and even find the second and third at least watchable, but the last one was painful.

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  6. One of my friends who’s in her thirties saw the last movie 5 times in the theater. I’m clueless about this series’ effect on young women and girls, but I recognize that it’s there.

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  7. (Full disclosure — haven’t seen any of the Twilight movies, including the last one)

    Having said that — how could it be so bad coming from Bill Condon? G&M, Kinsey, and Dreamgirls are all somewhere between pretty good and flat-out brilliant, they each had style, a voice, and a clear sense of purpose, and the performances all delivered in spades.

    From the reviews — none of that was true of breaking dawn. Such a shame.

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  8. Everytime the first movie is on tv I found myself watching it in snippets. It seems good enough. K-Stew is beaming with suppressed sexuality and Pattison portrays a suitable sense of mystery. The look of the film is that tired dreary grey sheen of The Ring films, but I will probably bite the bullet one day and watch the film in whole once it hits streaming.

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  10. I completely agree with Floyd. I was fine sitting through the first three with my wife, but she just started cracking up during the werewolf conversation “This is SO cheesy!” For me it’s down there with Teen Wolf Too, Driven, The Cat in the Hat…

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