Thief
Wells to Landlady: “An hour ago a thief smashed a window in the next-door building stairwell, climbed onto the outdoor balcony and may have tried to break into the apartment. He left a half-consumed beer bottle that probably has fingerprints. You’d better report this to the police, and definitely call the owner of the building next door and make sure the smashed window is promptly repaired. As long as it’s shattered security is nonexistent.”
And he bled on the floor! Probably put a fist through the glass. Fucking dummy.
Jeffrey, what the heck is going on?
You say you will be disappearing for 3 days, but refuse to elaborate. At first, I figured you were going to take the cure or maybe subject you’re lower tract to an intrusive intestinal procedure.
But now someone’s trying to break into your place!?!
For God’s sakes get to the airport and leave! Stay on a well traveled road. Don’t just poo-poo it. They’re after you.
Watch The Parallax View again. Then decide if it’s worth the risk…
Just wait till Ira Parks embellishes THIS one……
I just think it’s cool your landlady reads the blog.
Um, you could also CALL her.
JEFFREY WELLS SAYS…
LOGGIA, PRAGUE DOWNTURN, ETC.
The following assertion is based on circumstantial evidence. Robert Loggia fits the description of the perp that made an unannounced visit to my Prague flat last night. In ’87 or thereabouts, I did a puff piece for People about Loggia on the set of HOT PURSUIT, and we had words. At first I thought his gruff, Lee Cobb bully-boy routine was part of his character, but he had taken a tractor beam dislike to me instantly. I was in my Cannon press book phase, and honestly didn’t give a fuck who I pissed off; things were bad and it gave me a kind of whirligig, shag-the-maid-in-the-afternoon confidence.
During that HOT PURSUIT junket, Loggia was always punching things: walls, windows, the lot. I called him on it and reaped the whirlwind: The you’ll never eat lunch in this town again bang-around, calls to the editor at People, I want his head, etc.
I’m not saying with one hundred percent certainty that Loggia is the culprit, but Imdb says he’s in town doing a Uwe Boll fingerpaint the barn, get in, get out, take the money job.
Meanwhile my landlady has iced me out on even discussing the matter. All I got in response from my note was a scrawled reply written on newspaper: “Manager of building not responsible for lost goods.” Eloquent!
LANDLADY TO WELLS:
(Gives a Jean Gabin-like ‘what can you do’ shrug.)
If I chased down every hooligan who broke windows around here, I’d have no time for bridge. I’ll have someone look into it next week. Remember, we’re not respons…
WELLS TO LANDLADY:
Yeah, yeah. Got it, thanks.
LEXG SAYS…
CONSTANTLY thinking about Loggia lately, due to a similar hair loss pattern; this story is AWESOME.
I’m seriously thinking of rolling into a soap or reality show audition Loggia-style, all smarmy and awesome, wearing his JAGGED EDGE ’85 threads. I’ll go right over to the Palicki-looking P.A. with the clipboard who’s in charge of signing people in, grab her ass and say, “You like pornos? They give ya a boner?”
LOGGIA POWER.
GLENN KENNY SAYS…
What WON’T our bumbling host encounter on his CANDIDE-like journey? Will Europe ever be the same? Somehow I doubt it.
I remember some douche from Barney’s Beanery smashed up the rear window of my mom’s second car. It was a used 80s GM car, if I recall. I found the pool ball under the seat, but I was afraid I wiped the fingerprints because I did not wear gloves, so we were SOL.
Good Stuff Ira, but I seriously have a bad feeling about this.
Too many questions. Looks like a trap.
Jeffrey, be sure to sleep with your side arm tonight.
Stay safe hombre.
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@Kakihara: So it was basically Crash meets Bandits?
@Ira Parks: Rock on.
@Crall: More like AKIRA meets THE COLOR OF MONEY meets MY MOM’S CAR WINDOW (INCIDENTALLY, I STILL LIVE WITH MY MOM).
Kakihara’s comments seem so much like a parody of himself lately that I think it’s some kind of error when they aren’t preceded by the name Ira Parks.
Sorry, still laughing myself to death at the thought of the police potentially fingerprinting a billiard ball and then assigning Detective Sherlock Holmes to the Case of the Broken Window. “If only that goddamn pasty kid with the sunken eyes hadn’t touched it, WE’D HAVE OUR MAN!”
Anyone else picturing the cop from THE BIG LEBOWSKI (“They got us working in shifts!”) patting little D.Z. on his head and telling him, “I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the Speed Racer comics.”
@Absinth: Your laughs are deserved. Funny shit. DZ is an accidental comedy treasure.
ip 3g camera ftw.
“It’s good knowin’ he’s out there … takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners.”
Looks suspiciously like a pawprint to me.
Based on the picture, it seems that it has been hard for him to do the deed as droplets of blood are all over the floor. I suggest that the security of the said apartment should be reviewed so that this type of incident will be prevented.
The apartment should have a camera so anytime that the crime will repeat at least you already have a lead and the suspect will probably go to jail and face the consequences. And it is better that this apartment should have a security personnel to check any area of the house from time to time.
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