Bee-Bee-Beedle-y-Bee
“Is there a secret language school where they teach under-35 women to converse in mallspeak with the exact same reedy, mincing, me-me tones?” — tweeted from JFK before my Virgin America LA flight took off.
“Is there a secret language school where they teach under-35 women to converse in mallspeak with the exact same reedy, mincing, me-me tones?” — tweeted from JFK before my Virgin America LA flight took off.
In the briefing room :
COLONEL LUCAS
“Come on in.. At ease. Want a cigarette ?”
WELLS
“No, thank you sir.”
LUCAS
“Captain, have you ever seen this gentleman before? Met the
general or myself ?”
WELLS
“No, sir. Not personally.”
LUCAS
“You have worked a lot on your own, haven’t you ?”
WELLS
“Yes, sir. I have.”
LUCAS
“Your resume specifies blogging, freelance writing, a column for the the L.A. Times syndicate.”
WELLS
“I’m not presently disposed to discuss those columns, sir.”
LUCAS
“Did you not write for People Magazine?”
WELLS
“No, sir.”
LUCAS
“Did you not take a nap on the floor half way through a screening of “Red” at the Dolby room on Sixth Ave. and 55th Street on October 16, 2010.?”
WELLS
“No, sir.”
LUCAS
“Did you not steal a man’s seat at a food court in Century City on November 11, 2011?”"
WELLS
“No, sir.”
LUCAS
“Did you not try to eat a Dean and DeLuca pear cake at a Greenwich Village restaurant on March 30, 2009? Wells?”
WELLS
“Sir, I am unaware of any such faux pas- nor would
I be disposed to discuss such a faux pas if it did in
fact exist, sir.”
GENERAL CORMAN
“I thought we’d have a bite of lunch while we talk. I hope
you brought a good appetite with you. You have a rip in the crotch of your slacks, are you wounded ?”
WELLS
“A little scooter accident, sir.”
CORMAN
“Scooter accident… But you’re feeling fit, ready
for duty ?”
WELLS
“Yes, general. Very much so sir.”
Do continue, Prager.
I’m waiting for the part where Wells is ordered to terminate Colonel Kenny’s command…with extreme prejudice.
Actually, the picture I’d like to see is “Roger Dodger” with Jeff in the Campbell Scott role and Aedin Minks in the Eisenberg.
Consider the possibilities.
Also waiting for the Wells Onion op-ed piece: “Why Are None Of These Under-35-Year-Old Women Sucking My Cock?”
Didn’t Lex already write that piece?
Glenn Kenny, you are the fucking worst. Crawl back under your rock, you fucking sub-human leech.
Whatever you say, Mr. Sunshine. Sorry I made your day a little unhappier than it might have been, I’ll try not to do it again! Good luck with being a craven lunatic lying dipshit loser and all.
DULUOZGRAY SAYS…
Wells to Duluoz and Kenny: The brawl stops here. Take a walk around Columbus Circle and get a pretzel, get laid, etc.
GLENN KENNY SAYS…
A pretzel?!!? Good luck finding a pretzel stand outside of a Steely Dan album cover. Yeesh.
CORMAN
“Let’s see what we have here… roast beef and…,
usually is not bad. Try some Jerry, pass it around.
Save a little time when we’ll pass both ways. Wells, I don’t know how you feel about this shrimp, but if you’ll eat it, you never have to prove your courage in any other way… I’ll take a piece here …”
LUCAS
“Captain, you heard of Glenn Kenny ?”
Wells
“Yes, sir, I’ve heard the name.”
LUCAS
“Wrote for Premiere magazine, now with MSN.”
CORMAN
“Luke, would you play that tape for Mr. Wells, please. Listen carefully.”
ON TAPE
“October 9th, 0430 hours, sector PBK.”
LUCAS
“This was monitored out of Brooklyn. This has been verified as Glenn Kenny’s voice.”
Kenny (on tape)
“And for all that, it must be said I did not find “Little Fockers” to be particularly excruciating. Indeed, I laughed pretty hard several times. My father-in-law, whom I brought to the screening as a kind of experiment, can testify to this.. ”
ON TAPE
“11th transmission, December 30th, 0500 hours, sector KZK.”
Kenny (on tape)
“I happen to think that a lot of the critical response to Sirk takes the “subversive” angle too far. I don’t think, for example, that there’s anything particularly “coded” about “Imitation of Life;” it’s a completely sincere statement on race in America that works within the conventions of a Ross Hunter/Fanny Hurst melodrama. Of course because Sirk was an absolute visual master he imbues those conventions with added value, employing a mise-en-scene that often expressed exquisite irony, but I don’t think that’ ths same thing as putting anything over on the audience….”
CORMAN
“Glenn Kenny was one of the most outstanding movie critics this country has ever produced. He was a brilliant and outstanding in every way
and he was a good man too. Humanitarian man, man of wit, of humor. He started a movie blog. After that his ideas, methods have become unsound… Unsound.”
LUCAS
“Now he’s got this Some Came Running blog and his group of commenters, who worship the man, like a god, and agree with every opinion however ridiculous.”
CORMAN
“Well, I have some other shocking news to tell you. Glenn Kenny was about to be arrested for murder.”
Wells
“I don’t follow sir. Murdered who ?”
LUCAS
“Kenny had ordered executions of some critics. Men he believed were mediocre. So he took
matters into his own hands.”
CORMAN
“Well, you see Wells… In this new media environment, things get confused out there, power, ideals, the old morality, and practical artistic necessity. Out there with the Eloi it must be a temptation to be God. Because there’s a conflict in every human heart between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. The good does not always triumph. Sometimes what Manny Farber called white elephant art defeats termite art. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have. Glenn Kenny has reached his. And very obviously, he has gone insane.”
Wells
“Yes sir, very much so sir. Obviously insane.”
LUCAS
“Your mission is to proceed up the New York Thruway in a Prius. Pick Kenny’s path at the Toronto Film Festival, follow it, learn what you can along the way. When you find Kenny infiltrate his team by whatever means available and
terminate Kenny.”
Wells
“Terminate ? Kenny?”
CORMAN
“He’s out there operating without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still blogging and writing reviews.”
CIVILIAN
“Terminate with extreme prejudice.”
LUCAS
“You understand Wells… , that this operation does
not exist, nor will it ever exist.”
JOE LEYDON
“And watch out, those goddamn volunteers bite, I’ll tell ya.”
Holy fuck Prager, nice work.
@Ira: STEELY DAN POWER. Whenever some thought process seems screwy, I call it “Pretzel Logic” but no one knows what the hell I’m talking about except middle aged men with goatees and $300 in the bank for every advanced degree they hold.
Very nice work Prager!
Actually, the picture I’d like to see is “Roger Dodger” with Jeff in the Campbell Scott role and Aedin Minks in the Eisenberg.
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