Low Whining Beast

I’m staying at the home of producer Glenn Zoller in Telluride so I can’t complain, but my son Jett and I are staying in a large room with three bunk beds plus a 15-foot-high loft, and one of the worst snoring incidents of my life occured at 2 am. I’m hardly one to talk since I snore, I’m told, but I’m also a very deep sleeper — right at the bottom of the lake — and I was nonetheless awoken by some truly grotesque noises coming from one of the bunks.

It was like that howling satanic growl heard in the third act of The Exorcist. Something beastly, appalling…a human couldn’t be the source.

I’ve found that if you clap your hands and go “hey!” the snorer will shut up for a while, and that technique worked for a while this morning, but the snoring returned two or three minutes later. I finally had to grab the blankets and sheets and throw them down on the floor and climb down the loft ladder and trying sleeping on the couch in a nearby TV den. But between the aural trauma of the snoring and the thin mountain air I couldn’t get back to sleep for at least 90 minutes. Terrific.

  • Tristan Eldritch2

    “It was like that howling satanic growl heard in the third act of The Exorcist. Something beastly, appalling…a human couldn’t be the source.”

    CLASSIC stuff.

  • Glenn Kenny

    It’s like Wells is just DARING daring somebody to paste him one.

  • JLC

    I’m hanging on the edge of my seat in suspense….it was the walrus guy from the Italian restaurant, wasn’t it?

  • Luke Y. Thompson

    Any time you share a room with anyone, nose strips and earplugs are a must. Period.

  • lazarus

    Stayed in a number of hostels during my recent European trip and made the mistake of taking a 16-bed room once. Guy near me had some coughing fit at like 4:30am that went on for minutes, and I was surprised to not see blood hurling across the room due to the horrific sounds coming from his mouth.

    Then there was someone’s phone alarm that went off every fifteen minutes starting around 6:30am. This went on for over an hour before I got up and turned it off myself.

  • Mr. F.

    You know it was Jett who was snoring, don’t you? Just admit it: THE APPLE HAS FALLEN FAR FROM THE TREE, and your son is a beast-man.

    The good news, though, is that you’ve just given me an idea for a new screenplay. I’ll send you some of the option money. (*I’m* no beast-man.)

  • Jesse Crall

    “Any time you share a room with anyone, nose strips and earplugs are a must. Period.”

    Yeah, I get the foam ones that you can way up into your ear. Makes me completely useless if there’s a break-in but I sleep like a rock.

  • mizerock

    That’s just SO rude. Surely the guy knows that he does this, and he knows that if he tells people in advance they will just say no, and so he just goes ahead and signs up to stay in a place with 16 beds all in one place. Because, “I can’t afford a private room, so fuck you, all 15 of you, I don’t give a rat’s ass that none of you will be able to sleep”.

    So what’s he supposed to do with his life? Well, he can get treatment. Get surgery. Stay in a hostel with deaf people.

  • hiviper

    people tell me I’m pretty bad. Supposedly there are mouth pieces, like the kind you get to stop teeth grinding, that work better than anything else.

  • Mr. F.

    “So what’s he supposed to do with his life? Well, he can get treatment. Get surgery. Stay in a hostel with deaf people.”

    A hostel with deaf people? GENIUS!

    This thread has just given me screenplay idea #2: TYLER PERRY’S DEF HOSTEL

  • SolarTheSign

    and so, for Wells, Telluride begins…