Everything I Hate

Studly, sword-brandishing, robe-wearing beardo: “I know what you are.” Tantalizing Lucretia McEvil: “You have no idea.” Brrrnnnggg! Any film in which a major adversarial character says “you have no idea” is instantly disqualified. Everything loathsome and detestable about 21st Century mass-moron pulp entertainment in one downmarket Asian combat film. Cartoon-level CGI. Robes. Samurai swords. Catchy macho-challenge lines (i.e., “C’mon”). Steely glares. A once-influential marquee-name actor reduced to pandering to people whose taste in movies couldn’t be more primitive or less evolved.

  • Bobby Cooper

    No matter how bad it might be, it won’t have Keanu grooving:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQogluwu3Gc

  • DuluozRedux

    Would still rather sit through this dreck than see Gravity again.

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      There’s no need or justification to give “Gravity” this kind of grief.

    • Clockwork Taxi

      Ah, so you’re the person who watches Spike TV.

      • DuluozRedux

        Nope, I’m the guy who watches real movies about real people. Maybe you’re the one who watches SpikeTV if you liked this feature length video game so much.

  • The Big Snake

    “You have no idea” only worked twice: first when Jeremy Irons used it in Reversal of Fortune and then four years later when Jeremy Irons used it in The Lion King – it should have been permanently retired then and there.

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      That was indeed an excellent moment when Irons said that line in “Reversal of Fortune.” He said it with such drollness, such dry perversity. It was perfect.

    • Chris Willman

      Thank you for that. Most people have… no idea those two movies started it. It has never stopped being funny to me that “The Lion King” riffed on “Reversal of Fortune.”

    • http://jessecrall.wordpress.com/ Jesse Crall

      “And what a lovely Sarah you are.”

  • Mr. F.

    Other lines from 47 RONIN, not included in this trailer:

    “It is a new day.”
    “BRING IT!”
    “*I* am the master.”
    “Just watch me.”
    “It ends HERE.”
    “Your reign is over.”
    “You are not worthy of that blade.”
    “You shall taste my steel.”
    (etc.)

    • Thom Phoolery

      You forgot “Whoa.”

      • pizan܍amore

        I thought for sure you were going to say, “What’s the color of the boathouse at Hereford?”

  • bentrane

    You’re right. Sword movies like Seven Samurai, Yojimbo and the original 47 Ronin, not to mention dozens of others, are for the ‘less evolved.’
    Not.

  • D.Z.
  • Michael Gebert

    Parenthetically, are we all in agreement that The Man With the Iron Fists is the biggest piece of shit of the 2000s? It pretty much invalidated the entire genre for me.

  • DukeSavoy

    Crouching Buddha of Constantine’s Excellent Samurai Rings Matrix

  • Mr Bohemian

    As I understand it the 47 Samurai became ronin due to the fact they let their lord be murdered , they avenged his death then out of honor committed suicide.
    oh ya sounds like fun night at the movies to me

  • hupto

    And yet you made no effort to see YOUNG DETECTIVE DEE, which was (and maybe still is) playing at the AMC Empire on 42nd St. and is Tsui Hark action at its mind-blowing best. You seem to relish seeing crap just so’s you can bitch about it.

  • Brian Bouton

    Isn’t this based on a true story?

  • Joe Gillis

    Could you please, please, please write about stuff you LIKE? It’s so boring checking in on the site every day and just reading the Hatorade.