Every Damn Day

John Cusack plays a fiendish sniper in Magnet Releasing’s Grand Piano (Tunes/On Demand on 1.30.14, in theaters 3.7.14), threatening concert pianist Elijah Wood with death if he plays “one wrong note.” It’s a good idea for a thriller because the metaphor applies to all public-arena performing in the 21st Century. One wrong note and you are dead. I hang my ass out on Hollywood Elsewhere 24/7, and if I write anything that rubs anyone the wrong way even a little bit, I get shot, zinged and slapped around by a lurking army of snarkers, haters, p.c. brownshirts, etc. So don’t tell me.

  • Brian Bouton

    I was never able to imagine Cusack as a woman who had indulged in, much less enjoyed, heterosexual thrusting. There was always something vaguely dykey about him, and I don’t mean that as any kind of negative.

    • brenkilco

      But can you imagine enlisting for another tour as a lowly PCPFC in the zinging, slapping lurking, snarky, hateful brownshirt army?

  • BromanBrolanski

    Wells should replace HE Sink-In with “Don’t Tell Me” wherein he can opine specifically on the things we’re not allowed to tell him.

  • Glenn Kenny

    And yet you never actually DIE, so you really can’t complain.

    What a dumb idea.

  • Mr. F.

    This is only Internet history repeating itself.*

    Jeffrey Wells on THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST in 2004:

    “When Jim Caviezel’s crucified Christ can only watch the jeering masses below him, I couldn’t help but sympathize. I get it. I hang my ass out on Movie Poop Shoot 24/7, and if I
    write anything that rubs anyone the wrong way even a little bit, I get beaten, physically abused and nailed by a lurking army of snarkers, haters, p.c. brownshirts, etc. So don’t tell me.”

    Jeffrey Wells on GLADIATOR in 2000:

    “When Russell Crowe’s Maximus asks the bloodthirsty crowd “Are you not entertained?”, I couldn’t help but sympathize. I get it. I hang my ass out on reel.com 24/7, and if I write anything that rubs anyone the wrong way even a little bit, I get attacked, abused and yelled at by a lurking army of snarkers, haters, p.c. brownshirts, etc. So don’t tell me.”

    Jeffrey Wells on THE HURRICANE in 1999:

    “When Denzel Washington’s Rubin Carter was locked in prison to be forgotten by an uncaring and thoughtless establishment, I couldn’t help but sympathize. I get it. I hang my ass out on Mr. Showbiz 24/7, and if I write anything that rubs anyone the wrong way even a little bit, I get punched, mistreated and wrongly accused by a lurking army of snarkers, haters, p.c. brownshirts, etc. So don’t tell me.”

    *or so I imagine

    • Brian Bouton

      Awesome. Can you go back further into the archives for Jeff’s 50s or 60s-era lamentations?

      • Mr. F.

        Wells didn’t get started in film criticism until the late 70s, unfortunately. But even back then, you could see the signs of the persecuted but wise Samurai poet he would one day become.

        Jeffrey Wells on FOR THE LOVE OF BENJI in 1977:

        “When the lost Benji looked at the camera with his soulful brown eyes, I couldn’t help but sympathize. I get it. I hang my ass out
        at the Fairfield County Morning News 24/7, and if I write anything that rubs anyone the wrong way even a little bit, I get yelled at, chased by a Doberman Pinscher, and otherwise assaulted by a lurking army of snarkers, haters, p.c. brownshirts, etc. So don’t tell me.”

        • Brian Bouton

          Bravo!

        • pizan܍amore

          Next suggestions:
          Steve Buscemi in Fargo
          OJ Simpson in The Naked Gun
          The Bluesmobile

  • Joe Leydon

    If you put up with it, you’re a man. But if you bitch about it, you’re a punk. Sorry, Jeff: That’s straight out of The Book of Real Men.

    • SmaugAlert

      Agreed.

  • pizan܍amore

    If death = increased web traffic, I guess I see the metaphor.

  • pizan܍amore

    Must suck to have Tyler Durden as your piano teacher.

    THOM PHOOLERY SAYS….

    Get off my stage!

    A tender breeze blows
    Whispers through a Gran Piano

  • DukeSavoy

    So, a bus, a phone booth and now a grand piano. What’s the next location for this brilliant concept? A guy in an electric chair? “Okay pal, you move one muscle and I shoo — Hey, why are your ears smoking?”

  • Little Jake

    Only hate speech and threats are something to be worried about, the rest is bullshit and you know it.

  • Stewart Klein

    You are playing to bring down the chandelier!

  • Kano’s_Razor

    This movie should be pulpy fun, but instead this trailer makes it out to feel like a laborious case-study in psychopathy. Why so serious?

    Who is the director here? This flick should have been made in 1983 in Italy by Dario Argento — or, alternatively, in ’86 by DePalma (a name which this preview bafflingly invokes). There’s no room in mainstream American cinema for something like this — not even to the extent that there was a decade ago with Phone Booth (which was at least kinda fun) — you gotta go off completely the grid a la Hobo with a Shotgun to have a prayer.

    Also: don’t like Cusack as the villain here — he can be an extremely charming actor, but he’s (unfortunately) never really had much thespian range.

    Isn’t he always basically playing, like, Lloyd Dobler (somehow even in his roles before SA)?