Nympho Lowdown

Two or three days ago I announced an intention to fly to Copenhagen sometime after 12.20 to catch Lars von Trier‘s Nymphomaniac while expressing hope that Magnolia, the film’s U.S. distributor, might screen the two-part, four-hour film domestically (NY or LA) for trades and certain columnists to allow them to post reviews on the 12.17 worldwide embargo date. I was eventually informed that Magnolia will not be screening Nymphomaniac any time soon for U.S. critics. I was then told by Premier‘s Liz Miller that Danish publicists are planning a 12.17 screening for Scandinavian press in Copenhagen, and that Nymphomaniac‘s U.K. distributor is currently “deciding whether to do that here (in London) on that date.” I wrote Magnolia again, noting that “the worldwide conversation about the film will begin for European critics on 12.17 and continue henceforth. It seems a shame that you and yours are deciding to make U.S. critics pay at least $1800 in air fare plus hotel and everything else in order to take part in that discussion on a timely basis.” I can’t attend any 12.17 press screenings in Europe, but I’m thinking of flying to Denmark and seeing the film commercially on Christmas Day. I’ll be happy to bang out a review (different than the one I’ll post here) for any publication that wants to throw me a grand for my time and trouble. I’ll eat the rest.

  • Michael

    A grand for a review? In what world are you living?

    • Correcting Jeff

      The 1% world.

  • Muscle McGurk

    This level of commitment to your delusions of importance are quite impressive

  • SmaugAlert

    But do you truly consider yourself a “film critic”? Apparently the studios don’t consider you a film critic. That may be the disconnect.

    You aren’t even a member of LAFCA… if you truly were a critic, wouldn’t you be a member? Even Drew McWeeny is a member of that. You don’t even bother to post reviews of movies anymore.

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      What are you talking about? Of course I post reviews. I just don’t post reviews of anything boring or tedious or reeking of corporate.

      • SmaugAlert

        So a couple of tweets count as reviews these days?

  • m_00_m

    To break that down, that averages to $200 for each letter of “FIRST!!!”
    in the Hollywood Elsewhere Twitter feed on the 25th (he’ll throw in the
    exclamation points for free).

  • Bobby Peru

    Flying… to Denmark… to see Nyphomaniac… on Christmas day? No, really? The best part: “…deciding to make U.S. critics pay at least $1800 in air fare plus hotel and everything else in order to take part in that discussion on a timely basis…”

    Yes, without question Magnolia surely must have strategized to screw U.S. “critics” with such obvious strongarm-ing (or perhaps their marketing team just had a secret meeting about how to work Jeff Wells into another fascism lather). It’s their ballgame, as is every single film ever released in the history of cinema that has been platformed or kept under wraps for whatever reason. Why is this different?

  • erniesouchak

    As much as I enjoy reading your posts, Jeff, I can honestly wait till next year for you to “take part in this conversation.”

    • Mr. F.

      Pretty boring “conversation” as well, since hardly anyone else will have seen the movie…

  • seriously

    Has Wells ever addressed his obviously rich parents because come on

  • berg

    if you want to see a great under-the-radar film that Magnolia is distribbing then ask them for a screener of MR. NOBODY

  • NephewOfAnarchy

    Hey, anyone who isn’t prepared to pay $1800 to see Shia Labeouf’s junk isn’t a real critic.

  • Little Jake

    The thing is, Nymphomaniac can not, not in any imaginable universe, be worse than Saving Mr. Banks. How will Jeff be able to look himself into the mirror if he doesn’t fly to Copenhagen to see Nympho, after he’s flown to London to see Banks? He’s brought this trouble to himself.

    I’m only sorry for his cats, who are, as it appears, too often left home without their chief of staff.

    Maybe Sundance or Berlinale announce Nympho as part of their slate in the next few days, though … Too late?

  • Hiroshi Fukazawa

    i was thinking the same too, but can someone here help verify that Denmark will be showing an English version of the film and not a danish dubbed?

  • http://www.toplessrobot.com/ Luke Y. Thompson

    This reminds me of when LexG offers his critical services for ten grand.

    • Ray Quick

      HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s $100,000, dude. And once every two years someone responds in kind with an offer of 100 bucks for a stray review, which I wouldn’t do in a million years, ’cause, like, how do your taxes work?

      • http://www.toplessrobot.com/ Luke Y. Thompson

        Freelance taxes suck. No two ways about it.

  • Hiroshi Fukazawa

    Confirmation from Nymphomaniac distributor:

    ….We are glad to inform you that Nymphomaniac will be released in Denmark in the original english version and with danish subtitles….

  • Mr. F.

    Dropping nearly two grand just to see NYMPHOMANIAC is a hilarious, orgiastic metaphor for 1% rot and disease.

  • MichaelStrangeways

    Jesus…how much is this site raking in that you can afford to spend that kind of dough?