Golden Globe Submission, Endurance

7:57 pm: WHAT? I spoke too soon! 12 Years A Slave takes the Best Motion Picure, Drama award? Yes! This wasn’t in the cards, or certainly didn’t seem to be. You can plainly see that director Steve McQueen is dumbfounded — “I wasn’t expecting this!,” he just said. An amazing finale….totally unexpected. And totally justified. Wow! Obviously a very close vote with Alfonso Cuaron having won Best Director.

7:51 pm: Jessica Chastain presents the Best Actor, Drama Golden Globe to Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyer’s Club. Good speech that he tried out last week in Palm Springs. 12 Years A Slave is most likely a total shut-out. We need to hear from Vulture‘s Kyle Buchanan, who declared last September that Slave was a total lockdown for Best Picture. McConaughey: “This film has always been about livin’…it was never about dyin’.”

7:46 pm: The great Cate Blanchett wins Best Actress, Drama for Blue Jasmine. Not too much of a surprise. Great speech! Admittedly augmented by “several vodkas.”

7:44 pm: “And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio!” — Tina Fey.

7:39 pm: Here comes the Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical ward, presented by a pregnant Drew Barrymore (who looks as big as a house). American Hustle wins, of course. “Which movie will take the big award of the night?” the announcer asks. I think we have that figured out, right? Nothing to do with slavery! An FX-driven space suspense movie (“Sandra Bullock lost in a haunted house but the house is space” — Alexander Payne) is cooler!

7:27 pm: Jennifer Lawrence presenting the Best Actor, Comedy/Musical, and the Golden Globe goes to Leonardo DiCaprio!!! “I never would have guessed I would have won for Best Actor in a Comedy,” etc. In a general career sense, he means, but also because Leo regards Wolf, however hilarious it is throughout, as a deadly serious portrait of a malignant culture. Leo gives an elegant, eloquent acceptance speech. Being waved off by the orchestra. Yay, Leo!!!!

7:21 pm: Brooklyn Nine-Nine wins for Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical. “Winning this award is way better — way better! — than saving a human life!” the top guy says. What an asshole! The runners-up were The Big Bang Theory, Girls, Modern Family and Parks & Recreation.

7:17 pm: Gravity‘s Alfonso Cuaron takes the Best Director Golden Globe. Good technical job, Alfonso! Every “aaah!” from Sandra Bullock rocked my soul. So Gravity is going to win for Best Motion Picture, Drama? Nice one, HFPA! Well, we knew 12 Years A Slave was in trouble with this group. Cuaron’s “herpes”/”earpiece” joke was pretty funny.

6:57 pm: During her Woody Allen tribute acceptance speech, Diane Keaton contemplates death, or rather Woody’s famous remark about it: “I don’t want to live eternally through my work — I want to live eternally by not dying.” (Or words to that effect.) She mentions that while Francois Truffaut‘s films will be savored for a long time to come, “that’s not much help to Francois Truffaut.” (Whose grave, by the way, I visited back in ’87 — it lies in the Cimitiere du Montmartre.) Why did the sound cut out on Keaton’s speech? Two or three seconds were blipped out. Did she say something profane?

6:57 pm: Amy Poehler wins for Best Actress in a TV Series / Comedy or Musical, beating out Zooey Deschanel, Lena Dunham, Edie Falco and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Fine, whatever. I don’t watch small-screen comedy series.

6:44 pm: Melissa McCarthy and Jimmy Fallon presenting the Best Actor, TV series of TV drama. The winner is Michael Douglas for Behind The Candelabra — no problem with that at all! A delicate, very touching performance. Douglas to costar Matt Damon: “The only reason you’re not here is because I had more sequins, okay?”

6:34 pm: How does Orlando Bloom get to be an award presenter? He’s been over for years and yet…there he is! The Great Beauty wins for Best Foreign Language FIlm? Due respect but Blue Is The Warmest Color is a richer, finer film — more penetrating, more commanding, more intimate. Not that I’m dismissing Paolo Sorrentino‘s film, which I quite liked when I saw in last May in Cannes.

6:34 pm: Andy Samberg‘s Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which I’ve never seen and probably never will see unless I happen to be at a friend’s home and they happen to turn it on, wins for Best TV Series / Comedy or musical. How many winners tonight haven’t been urged to wrap things up by the orchestra?

6:31 pm: Laura Dern introducing Nebraska, shout-outs to Alexander Payne and Bruce Dern, lah-lah…fine.

6:29: Spike Jonze‘s Her wins for Best Screenplay. Richly deserved! It beat out Nebraska, Philomena, 12 Years A Slave, American Hustle.

6:21 pm: The Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor, presented by Christoph Waltz, goes, of course to Dallas Buyers Club‘s Jared Leto. Yes! Affectionate call-out to Indiewire‘s Anne Thompson, who said right after the Toronto Film Festival debut of DBC that Leto’s performance was nothing special and that it wouldn’t prove to be award-quality (or words to that effect). Shout-out to Deadline‘s Pete Hammond for predicting at the same Toronto party that Leto’s performance was like Chris Sarandon‘s in Dog Day Afternoon.

6:20 pm: “Dying is easy — comedy is hard. I believe Shia Labeouf said that.” — Jim Carrey.

6:04 pm: Robert Downey, Jr. hands Best Actress, Comedy/Musical to American Hustle‘s Amy Adams. I guess that cinches it and then some — Hustle is going to win for Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical. Everyone has been predicting this, I know, but now it’s locked in.

6:04 pm: Jon Voight has won a Best Supporting Actor for his work in Ray Donovan. Rob Lowe sure was terrific in Behind The Candelabra.

5:58 pm: Why didn’t “Please Mr. Kennedy,” the parody song from Inside Llewyn Davis, win for Best Song? By far the most entertaining, the most amusing, etc. I don’t even remember how “Ordinary Love,” Bono‘s song from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, goes. Nobody does.

5:51 pm: Alex Ebert, the All Is Lost composer, wins for Best Original Score. Does this indicate that Robert Redford will for Best Actor, Drama? I think it might. HE commenter “Brad” owes me a fucking apology if Redford wins. He’s out there. He knows who he is. I predicted earlier that if Redford wins he’s not going to say anything. He’s going to cower like a little chipmunk.

5:48 pm: Philomena‘s Steve Coogan and the real Philomena Lee (whom I interviewed a few days ago and chatted with last night at the Paramount party) present footage from Stephen FrearsPhilomena.

5:39 pm: Bryan Cranston wins a Golden Globe for Best Actor in a TV series or drama for his work in Breaking Bad…a Walter White-is-dead, it’s-finally-over tribute. Uh-oh, whoa!…Cranston just called BB‘s creator and exec producer Vince Gilligan a “genius“….you’re not supposed to use that word ever. EVER. Under any circumstance. Breaking Bad wins for Best Dramatic Series…terrific. Aaron Paul is wearing a black tuxedo!

5:35 pm: Nice recover by Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie when the Golden Globes tech guy (can his ass!) puts up the wrong teleprompter dialogue.

5:27 pm: Elizabeth Moss‘s performance in Sundance Chanel’s Top of the Lake (which I’ve ever seen) win for Best Actress in TV series or TV movie…getting played off by the orchestra.

5:23 pm: Steven Soderbergh‘s Behind The Caldelabra wins for best TV mini-series or TV movie. Producer Jerry Weintraub accepting….”drink the vodka and hold the statue.”

5:15 pm: It takes Jacqueline Bisset a good 20 or 25 seconds to recover from the shock of winning a Golden Globe for Dancing on the Edge….and then another minute or so to make it up to the podium. And then she takes a long time to drag out her “thank you” remarks. Is she bombed? And then the music tries to push her off and she shushes it. “Go to hell and don’t come back”…good line! Meaning what again? All hail Dancing on the Edge, which I might rent on Vudu sometime soon. Maybe. Probably. Maybe not.

5:11 pm: Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock handing out Best Supporting Actress award, and the award goes to…Jennifer Lawrence? Not a good omen for the HFPA fortunes of 12 Years a Slave — I’ll tell you that right now. No way in hell is Lawrence’s performance, spirited and crudely amusing and colorful as it obviously is, more award-worthy than Lupita Nyong’o‘s…no way.

5:01 pm: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler monologue: “Welcome to the Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards”…what? Robert Redford shout-out. An Armond White joke! Poehler to Matt Damon: “Don’t take this the wrong way but tonight you’re basically a garbage-person.” (Armond needs to tweet about this right now.) The import of Gravity is that George Clooney “would rather float away into space and die rather than be with a woman his own age.” Nice little lowbrow, shoutout-to-females diss of Wolf of Wall Street….thanks, guys! Poehler: “After 12 years A Slave, I will never look at slavery the same way again”…fuck does that mean?

3:30 pm: Screw it — I’ve decided against attending both the Golden Globe viewing party I’ve been invited to as well as the three after-parties (Universal, Weinstein, Fox). There’s some kind of tingly-achey crap in my system and I want to give my body a chance to fight it off. I fly to Sundance/Park City on Wednesday, and I can’t fuck around. The GG commentary begins at 5 pm Pacific. Perhaps I’ll even throw in some red-carpet reactions. What kind of tuxedo will the shameless Aaron Paul wear? Something in deep maroon with a nice sparkly lapel?

  • BromanBrolanski

    Aaron Paul spotted at Vidal Sassoon this afternoon getting his customary “fresh tube of Dunlaps” shape up for the awards.

  • Jeff

    I didn’t think all that much of Lupita. She was good, but the role didn’t much of a range of emotions other than the world is a horrible place and she may kill herself. On the other hand, the scene where Lawrence asks Bale for a divorce was incredible.

    • Jamison

      I didn’t care for Jennifer Lawrence’s meandering performance . I couldn’t get past her laughable Long Island accent and her bad line delivery .

  • David Slovakia

    Agree with Jeff here. I don’t get the praise for Lawrence’s performance or for American Hustle in general.

    American Hustle is this year’s Argo. Kinda entertaining while you’re watching it but totally forgettable ten minutes after the movie. And it will probably win the BP Oscar like Argo. Fuck that!

    • Jamison

      Agreed .

  • GigglesForGigli

    Maybe listing out which TV shows you have seen would be easier than the ones you haven’t. House of Cards and what else?

    Did you ever end up watching Breaking Bad?

    • I saw it, I saw three or four episodes…JESUS.

      • GigglesForGigli

        Yes, I watched the first 15 minutes of WOWS and got the general gist. Couldn’t take Jonah Hill’s sweaters, so I hung out in the snack bar for the remainder.

        • criterionstalker

          Just because you get addicted to watching a show doesn’t mean everybody else will or even think it’s as great. Why should you suddenly like a show after watching four or sic hours?

  • renorambler

    Top of the Lake is exceptional. And pretty unlike any of the cop procedurals that populate tv. The actor who plays the “villain” is riveting.

    • Kat

      One of the best viewing experiences I had all year. Holly Hunter, Peter Mullan and David Wenham also deserved nominations, IMO.

      • renorambler

        Yes, Peter Mullan! Could not remember his name on the fly.

        • Brad

          I was talking with Noiresque about Mullan’s phenomenal performance in ‘Tyrannosaur’ recently. The guy is an incredible actor (and a pretty good director, too).

  • Awardsdaily

    “5:51 pm: Why didn’t “Please Mr, Kennedy,” the parody song from Inside Llewyn Davis, win for Best Song?” Because U2.

  • Pete Miesel

    It’s pretty obvious that Hustle will take Oscar for picture, director, script, editing, costumes, and calling it now two acting wins.

    It is Argo II

    • GigglesForGigli

      Argo Hustle Yourself.

      • Pete Miesel

        Well played. It’s going to be a crazy three way campaign unless the guilds throw a curveball

  • Big G

    Jared Leto wins Supporting Actor. Wonder how Anne Thompson likes the taste of crow.

  • MovieSquad

    her screenplay award is a bit of a nice surprise.

    • Pete Miesel

      Huge surprise.

      Man the guild awards are going to be interesting

  • MovieSquad

    Honestly I felt like JLaw’s work in Hustle was more award worthy than her work in SLP. I liked her in SLP but never felt it was a Best Actress worthy performance.

  • MovieSquad

    “How does Orlando Bloom get to be an award presenter? He’s been over for years and yet…there he is! ”

    Rumor has it he may have been in one of the top grossing movies of 2013.

    • He’s OVER.

      • Jeff

        It was weird seeing him onstage. I agree.

        • Michael Gebert

          And once you’re over, you are over! Right Mr. Affleck?

          • Jeff

            Fair I guess… Affleck was an Oscar winner who was a leading man for 5-6 yrs. Bloom played second fiddle and mostly eye candy in his franchise films and flopped two mega budget films from respected auteurs.

            • Michael Gebert

              I don’t really disagree, but you never know, and again, the guy is in one of the top-grossing movies of the year, in theaters right now, and quite possibly in more of the top-grossing films of all time than anybody– and Jeff is acting like they pulled him out of the Motion Picture Rest Home.

      • criterionstalker

        Doth declare the Meister Blogger!

    • EricGilde

      Also just played Romeo on Broadway. Pretty sure he’s doing ok.

    • Because that movie was one of the top grossing movies of 2013 thanks to Mr. Bloom? Let’s face facts. Outside of LotR/Hobbit and PotC, the man just does not have much of a career. He’s the star of one of my favorite movies of the 2000s, Elizabethtown, but it’s not a great movie because of him. He’s just there. Could have been Ashton Kutcher and it’d still be pretty much the same movie.

      Bloom has never been a star. He’s just been lucky to get in to a couple mega-franchises, one that’s already left him behind and the other which will be done with in eleven months.

      • MovieSquad

        Wow, I’ve never heard anyone say anything good about Elizabethtown let alone call it one of their favorite movies. I sort of remember hating it, but maybe I’ll give it another shot.

      • MisterQuigley

        You should see more movies…

        • Yeah, I probably should. 250+/year is clearly not enough.

  • Reverent and free

    Diane Keaton accepting on behalf of Woody.

  • Reverent and free

    She said goddamn

  • K. Bowen

    Please not Gravity.

  • Correcting Jeff

    This whole experience confirms it: anyone who watches, let alone cares, about the Golden Globes is a moron.

    • Correcting Jeff

      No, seriously– is there anyone aside from the people who made (or more accurately, *financed*) these movies that legitimately care about these “awards”?

      I mean, caring about the Oscars is nearly the height of stupidity, but at least they’re THE OSCARS.

      I love movies. I ADORE movies. I will adore movies until the day I am in the grave.

      I have never once said, nor thought, “Hmmm, that movie won a Golden Globe… it must be pretty good.”

      Anyone– producer, actor, movie critic, bloggers– who bases their self-validation or artistic assessment on the “judgment” of the HFPA doesn’t give one single damn about film. “12 Years a Slave” could have missed every last award– every last nomination– and it wouldn’t have changed a single thing about how outstanding a film it is, nor how deserving of an audience that movie will be 10, 20, 50 years from now. Likewise, “Gravity” could have won last night and *I would not have enjoyed and admired it any less* simply because some morons gave it an award.

      I mean, that’s the thing, right? Folks like Jeff win either way: if the Globes get it “wrong,” they’re stupid Globes. If the Globes get it “right,” then wow, they got it right!

      No, Jeff. The Golden Globes always get it wrong.

      • MisterQuigley

        I don’t think anyone “cares” about who wins or loses a Golden Globe, but surely you can understand why people watch, right? Award shows can be entertaining, last night’s certainly was. Wells is an awards blogger, btw.

  • Muscle McGurk

    Hmmm… mums the squeak on ol’ Redford

  • GigglesForGigli

    The cut to Redford in the audience and he was doing the same “confused” and “grimacing” performance as he did in All Is Lost.

  • Pete Miesel

    Can’t figure out the trend now.

  • Clockwork Taxi

    “Jeff, Kyle Buchanan is on line one.”

  • Glenn Kenny

    “HE commenter ‘Brad’ owes me a fucking apology if Redford wins. He’s out there. He knows who he is. I predicted earlier that if Redford wins he’s not going to say anything. He’s going to shiver and cower like a little chipmunk.”

    Great stuff, man. Better trade in those “insect antennae,” pal.

    • Brad

      Yeah, I’m cowering … in embarrassment for Jeff. My criticism of Jeff’s prediction was that it was BASED ON NOTHING, not the prediction itself. There’s nothing inherently wrong in making a poor choice as long the FACTOR BEHIND THOSE CHOICES evidenced intelligence and reasoning. However, there’s no methodology to what he does, no critical thinking, no attempt to genuinely reach out to a variety of people, no display of diligence or work. He just saw a VISION one day and UNDERSTOOD ALL.

  • Thom Phoolery

    “WHAT? I spoke too soon! 12 Years a Slave takes the Best Motion Picture, Drama award?”

    That sound you heard wasn’t the wind blowing. It was Sasha Stone’s sigh of relief.

    • bill weber

      Film/director split with Cuaron was entirely predictable, expect the same at the Oscars.

  • Ray Quick

    Good Lord is Sasha melodramatic.

    • Brad

      Who wants to bet that in two years (hell, six months) Stone will not have written a SINGLE ARTICLE on TYAS?

    • Thom Phoolery

      Says the guy who threatens to kill himself.

      • criterionstalker

        That’s different. Because…

  • Steven Gaydos

    Is anything Oscar clarified? I can see a couple of things I suspected come into focus, but not the big questions ie what’s gonna win best pic.

  • Marty Guerre

    “…which I’ve never seen and probably never will see unless I happen to be at a friend’s home and they happen to turn it on

    Well let’s hope things don’t get quite that extreme.

  • JoeS

    Nice to see THE GREAT BEAUTY win. I liked BLUE well enough, and THE WIND RISES and THE PAST are great as well, but, I truly believe that BEAUTY will stand the test of time.

    Hopefully, a good omen for the Oscars.

  • DukeSavoy

    Saw Wolf again today. Damn, Leo is worthy of a man crush. He’s so good and and so fucking charismatic, his awesome performance almost ruins the picture.

  • andrea

    The award for Lawrence is ridiculous, pathetic and stupid when Lupita Nyong’o is so much better than her, so much brilliant than her and so much natural to act than her. And 12 Years a Slave also deserved the awards for superb Chiwetel Ejiofor and Michael Fassbender. HFPA did horrible choices lik lawrence, mcconaughey and leto, horrible!!!

    • Michael Gebert

      Guess you really liked 12 Years a Slave!

    • NephewOfAnarchy

      “So you’re saying it was horrible?” – Fletch

  • Perfect Tommy

    I didn’t watch, but I read Jared Leto won Best Supporting Actor. I read that wrong, didn’t I? Phineas Figg or whatever assured us on this very site that Leto was banned from Hollywood praise forever for appearing in that John Lennon movie.

    • Ray Quick

      HA! Yep. No idea why I remember this, but I believe the same guy likewise assured us that that Escape from Tomorrow movie would never be released, or if it was the Special Police were gonna raid fucking theaters showing it and burn the prints like Shoshanna or something…. And what do you know, it came out and nobody cared at all. Just saying I wouldn’t go taking any insider trading tips from that dude.

      • Phineas T. Prune

        1- Leto has not won an award from Hollywood. 25 old foreign guys is not Hollywood
        2- Escape From Tomorrow was not actually released now was it?

        • Mr. F.

          Uh… it WAS released, which is how I saw it last year, along with a bunch of other people:

          “Rather than suppressing the film, Disney chose to generally ignore it, and the film was released simultaneously to theaters and video on-demand on October 11, 2013, through PDA, a Cinetic Media company.” [thanks, Wikipeda!]

          • Phineas T. Prune

            You quote Wikipedia, edited by 12 years old, for the fail!

            • Mr. F.

              Okay, you can try the film’s *actual website* if your panties are in a bunch over a Wiki citation:


              Sorry you look like an ass, but next time: use Google.

              • Perfect Tommy

                But notice how it didn’t get a 3000 plus theater Hunger Games type release? Obviously, the work of wiley Disney lawyers.

                • Mr. F.

                  It goes deeper than that. Much, MUCH deeper.

                  I probably shouldn’t be admitting this, but I am the only survivor of a public showing of ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW at the Sundance Sunset theater in LA. Early in the screening, the doors were locked and everyone inside was machine gunned down. Fortunately, I had left for the bathroom and escaped the carnage. But everyone I spoke to who was planning on seeing the movie, regardless of the city? I have never seen or spoken to them again. (Worse, the VOD version melted viewers’ brains, a la HALLOWEEN THREE: SEASON OF THE WITCH.)

                  The saddest thing? I STILL don’t know how it ended.

                  So Phineas was half-right: while the movie was “released,” it was only done so as part of a sinister scheme to murder anyone who might see it.

          • Michael Gebert

            As I said at the time, Disney saw that the best way to ensure no one saw it was for it to have a normal indie release…

  • Brad

    And, hell, I can’t be the only person who is sick of film bloggers and writers acting as if they are SO OVERRRRRRR awards like the Golden Globes. Wells isn’t alone in this: Deadline, AwardsDaily and RopeofSilicon are also culprits. They spend THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING LIVES living, breathing and sweating which performer will win a trophy for performing, yet they pretend as if this shit is below them when the ceremony is on. In truth, they’re watching this thing as if it’s Kennedy vs. Nixon. Some FUCKING JERKOFF TOOL called ‘Laremy’ on RopeofSilicon suggested “I have an idea for a charity: $100 for every fake laugh that happens on a major network. With football and red carpets, I’m pretty sure we could cure cancer like that.” You know what? If you REALLY gave a shit about cancer and you REALLY wanted to better the world, you’d be donating some time every week to raise funds. But his comment isn’t about cancer. It isn’t about anything except his own awareness of how he’s wasting his life watching (and LOVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG) celebrities, and he can’t deal with that self-pity in a constructive way. LexG’s twitter posts were TEN TIMES FUNNIER than these assholes’ winy rants is because he’s not some lame trying to be SNARKY all. the. time. He’s ACTUALLY, NATURALLY funny and is just having fun making observations. If you want to be part of the scene (and EVERY SINGLE ONE of the blogers/reporters/analysts) want to fuck these celebrities, then own up to it and quit pretending you’d rather be raising money for cancer.

    • criterionstalker

      Yell a little louder.

  • Gil Padilla

    I didn’t waste 3 hours and got the results this morning. Rinse and repeat for the Oscars….

  • Scott Thomas

    Im still confused…what exactly makes AH a comedy?

    • Marty Guerre

      If David O’Russell wants to get nominated in the drama category, he needs to stop with the explorations of corruption and mental illness and go back to serious topics like boxing.

    • Mr. F.

      The wigs?

      More seriously: the overall tone and the frequent joke-telling — the audience isn’t supposed to consider the term “science oven” with anything more than a laugh, for example. And Louis C.K. wasn’t cast because he’s one of our great thespians.

      While there are lots of elements in the mix, it was pretty clear to me that it was a comedy with dramatic elements and not the other way around. The movie is more THE STING than, say, THE GODFATHER… not that there’s anything wrong with that.

      • Scott Thomas

        Well then, I guess it was a cruddy movie in two styles.

  • brenkilco

    Nobody is going to remember last night’s GG winners two days from now or most of this year’s Oscar field two years from now. On an unrelated note the blu ray of Friedkin’s Sorceror just went up for pre-order on Amazon. Time is usually the best critic.

  • celiedh

    “What an asshole” says the guy who calls Drew Barrymore “big as a house.”

    • Aaron Paul’s Tuxedo

      Yeah, how ironic that the guy who berates others for not agreeing that WOWS is a metaphor for Wall Street excess gets thrown by a little facetiousness.

  • Thom Phoolery

    “No way in hell is Lawence’s performance, spirited and crudely amusing and colorful as it obviosly is, more award worthy than Emmanuelle Riva’s …no way.”
    The movie godz giveth and they taketh away.