Apocalypse Now

Metaphors for the devolution and degradation of mainstream movie culture are tumbling out of the pipe today. A Parkes+MacDonald Mattel Barbie movie for Sony. A marshmallow peeps movie. A movie based on the “It’s a Small World” Disney ride“…good God! There’s no level to which the opportunists in this town will not stoop.

  • bentrane

    I’m surprised they haven’t come up with a Captain Crunch or Count Chocula movie.

    • brenkilco

      A franchise to rival Marvel. In the blockbuster sequel they team up with Frankenberry, the Trix rabbit and Sugar Bear. Samuel Jackson will play General Mills.

    • Phat Abbot

      Tagline: Why So Cereal?

    • Perfect Tommy

      I’ve always wanted to make a Cap’n Crunch Serial.

    • http://www.awardsdaily.com Awardsdaily

      OMG, that’s so coming next.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

      “Honey, what do you want to see tonight? Tarantino’s Kaboom! at the mall? The Seduction of Professor Weeto at the art house? Or that shredded wheat documentary on Netflix?”

    • Zach
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

    Is this post a metaphor for disapproval?

  • Muscle McGurk

    The movie apocalypse happened years ago. This isn’t the bomb being dropped but the ongoing fallout mutations.

  • Carl LaFong

    I trust this news will in no way impede the development of the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe reboot?
    http://www.avclub.com/article/kick-ass-2s-director-rewriting-masters-universe-mo-203357

  • DuluozRedux

    What’s funny is you think garbage like Wolf of Wall Street isn’t lumped in with this other garbage. Movies are fucking terrible nowadays, and Wolf is a prime example. How anyone thinks that films holds a candle to stuff like Raging Bull or Goodfellas is beyond me.

    • The Perils of Thinking

      Your keyboard must be broken, because that post is unintelligible.

      • DuluozRedux

        Read slowly if you’re having problems. Wells laments the making of a Barbie film, when he should really lament what’s happened to Scorsese.

    • joeybot

      It’s still better than Boxcar Bertha or The Color of Money. And when’s the last time you busted out that copy of Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore?

      • cyanic

        Excuse me. The black man wins in Boxcar Bertha. It’s been all downhill from there.

        • joeybot

          I just can’t believe that Scorsese isn’t making one of the best movies ever made EVERY time he makes a movie!

          • DuluozRedux

            That’s the issue, people say he IS making his best movie ever with each new release. Are you seriously suggesting people weren’t saying Wolf wasn’t one of his best ever?

            • joeybot

              Who said that? I don’t doubt you, I know someone like Captain Kneejerk Wells would say that. But I can’t blame Scorsese for people saying stupid shit.

              But really, he’s always been somewhat up and down. And I think sometimes it works the OTHER way, so people are blaming him for not pulling off Raging Bull every single time. And saying he’s lost it and he’s shit now.

              I think Wolf of Wall Street was a great movie. One of his top 5? No. Top ten? Maaaybe. But I’d definitely not say it was a terrible, bad movie.

              • DuluozRedux

                I would, but to each his own. It’s minor Scorsese, and that’s being charitable. If his name wasn’t on the film it wouldn’t be as highly regarded as it seems to be. Not even close.

                • joeybot

                  Maybe, but I’m not so sure about that one. It’s an awesomely entertaining movie, and no matter who directed it, I would have loved it. I also know people who loved it and wouldn’t really know who Scorsese is. And I don’t love Scorsese unconditionally, he’s made movies I can’t get into.

                  • DuluozRedux

                    I was bored out of my mind while watching it. Nothing happened, literally. It was just one poorly executed scene after another. Bad, hammy acting, bad writing, pedestrian direction. As I said, to each his own.

    • Christopher A. Otto

      If Donnie Brasco, which was fairly ignored by the Oscars, came out these days, it would probably get a half-dozen nominations. The quality of the smart, mid-level fare has declined precipitously.

      • berg

        It’s a fugazi

  • brenkilco

    And I was this close to finishing my marshmallow peeps script. Damn zeitgeist.

  • Jay Tierney

    During the 90’s I went to a ton of movies… your average flick every weekend was pretty decent. The past 10 years or so, I barely go at all. So much shit.

    • Krazyeyes

      And you don’t think that’s as much a reflection of you as is it is the movies?

      • Jay Tierney

        Not really. I’m sure in part because there’s a habitual aspect. But when so many movies are crap, you stop paying attention. Oh look another comic book adaptation…

        • Circumvrent

          The real question is how much more TV are you watching?

          • Jay Tierney

            True. And the answer is significantly more, since most of the good writing is on TV now.

            • Circumvrent

              I was in denial about it for a long, long time, but the truth is that the people who make movies have abandoned us, and most anybody who made the kind of movies we all went to see have fled to television.

              To paraphrase Nietzsche, the Movie Godz are dead.

              • Michael Gebert

                I watch more television, but more than that, i watch more TCM and Criterion blu-rays…

                • Circumvrent

                  Fair enough, but the point remains, you’re probably watching significantly fewer contemporary films than you were ten years ago.

                  • Michael Gebert

                    I wasn’t arguing the central point, I was agreeing with it. But there’s not only Breaking Bad out there, there’s the entire century of world cinema making it easier than ever to blow off current Hollywood’s second tier, at the least.

  • Steven Gaydos

    In 1988, my essay “Monte Hellman and the Toymakers” was published in a terrific (and first ever in any language) major Hellman bio/study in France. I pointed out that Hollywood was no longer in the filmmaking business but instead had become a place where instead of films, toys are made and marketed. http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=fr&u=http://www.filmfestamiens.org/%3FMONTE-HELLMAN&prev=/search%3Fq%3D%2522yellow%2Bnow%2522%2B%2522charles%2Btatum%2522%2B%2522monte%2Bhellman%2522%2B%2522steven%2Bgaydos%2522%2Bhollywood%26rlz%3D1T4GGLS_enUS546US546%26biw%3D1680%26bih%3D849 Which means you and I are in complete harmony on this dispiriting de-evolution of American cinematic arts but also that we are officially in the “You kids get off my lawn!” business and at this point, complaining about this trend is like complaining about the weather and you know what Mark Twain said about that.

    • Bobby Neon

      I always have to remind myself of the merchandize mayhem the 1997 TMNT TV show created. Maybe since a lot of boomers really dug the Star Wars flicks they didn’t think twice about buying all the related junk for their kids, because parents and the larger culture were seriously caught off guard by the Turtle franchise’s ability to whip little brats like me into a frenzy. He-Man and earlier stuff was cool, but to me and other kids all the surfer stoner nonsense made the Turtles feel genuinely hip to a 6 or 7 year old.

  • joeybot

    Of course the best part about these tweets is it’s a bunch of guys complaining about Hollywood doing nothing original, while they all bitch in almost the exact same way (down to listing the movies in the same order).

  • Rashad

    These movies aren’t made, nor are they marketed for their age group. It isn’t like if they didn’t make them, they’d say fuck it and fund some gangster pic.

  • Thom Phoolery

    So which one is Francis Ford Coppola directing?

  • DukeSavoy

    A movie about Bruce the shark as a hotshot Hollywood producer — “We’re going to need bigger notes”

  • BrianBrightblade

    A Barbie movie? I remember an era when Hollywood came up with original ideas for kids movies like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNjACYfQlbI