How I’d Play It

I need to express this carefully but honestly, so here goes. If I was a young, rich, highly fetching actress who had decided a year or two ago that for the time being (or maybe forever) that I was into girls, I would naturally go for the hotties. Which is to say the same kind of foxy, dishy women whom most guys find highly desirable, with or without a same-sex orientation. But no way would I be into (here comes the trouble) dykey-looking women, which is to say women who have what many of us might describe as butchy, male-ish, non-petite features. You know what I’m talking about. I just can’t figure why a beautiful, famous, highly rated bi actress wouldn’t want to hook up with super-hotties. I recognize that butch is a lesbian aesthetic in the same way that bears are a gay male thing, and that I can’t hope to understand or relate to it, but it seems curious. No criticism — I just don’t get it.

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  • T.G.

    For the same reason you sometimes see men dating below their league: self-esteem issues. Also, could be the sex is real good.

  • Gary Springer

    Amber Heard, who was a lesbian for a while, is now apparently “hanging out” with Elon Musk.

    • brenkilco

      Amber’s search for love has been tough. There are so few women billionaires.

      • Raygo

        Best laugh of the night.

  • Addison DeWitt

    On the same token, I learned years ago why hot lesbians don’t always go for other hot lesbians. I think it’s because unlike certain men who just can’t seem to accept their lot in life, they tend to look past the surface.

  • Jeff

    Sometimes less attractive folks are chiller hangs because they know they have to be cool to get some. Most of the great sex I’ve had is with thicker less conventionally hot women. Those same women also expect a little less in return from me, basically I don’t have to pitch a perfect game to have sex and they are more enthusiastic to get down. In a less PC way, I also wonder if the reason this happens a lot in the gay world is that the relative sameness of looks/body parts because of gender makes you want the opposite in a mate so it doesn’t feel like you are fucking yourself.

    People of every gender and sexuality also date below their league because they may prefer to be the wanted rather than the wanter.

    • Charles Peligro

      That’s true. If the other person is below your level you have more hand in the relationship.

      • Hardcore Henry V

        Whereas if the other person is above your level you just have to use more of your hand.

  • childerolandusa

    Differences of opinion happen with every aesthetic. For every woman who is lauded as beautiful, you can find plenty of straight men who don’t get the attraction at all.

  • Lou Rawls’ Ego

    Golf is more fun.

  • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

    “Show me a luscious, drop-dead attractive woman, and I’ll show you a less attractive girlfriend who’s tired of fucking her.” — variation of old Hollywood true-ism.

    • Buck Swope

      KStew is far from luscious, drop-dead, HE’s current fixation on her excepted.

      • J’accuseteau

        Says you sucka.

        • cinefan35

          If I had the opportunity to look into those amazing eyes of hers each day for the rest of my life, I would thank heaven every day and count myself one of the luckiest men on Earth.

          • Hardcore Henry V

            WB Lexy.

      • Charles Peligro

        She is luscious. I don’t know about drop-dead.

  • http://www.jessecrall.com Jesse Crall

    IDEA FOR JEFF: Next time you see a lesbian couple featuring a babe and a butch, saunter up and give a little interview. Make sure your GoPro is on. Don’t be afraid to use words like “Dikey.”

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      Dykey

      • http://www.jessecrall.com Jesse Crall

        See, I thought so but I decided to trust your initial spelling which you subsequently fixed. NEVER AGAIN.

    • Hardcore Henry V

      I’d actually love it even more if he used a word like “dickey,” though.

      • brenkilco

        Thom Phoolery says: I know bisexuality is chic. But I never thought those things would be back in style.

  • Dan

    Why make that idiotic comment? It’s not a good look. Coupled with your creepy ask of James Mangold and your odd Cialis comment, it makes you sound like an aging creep – not an admired critic.

  • The Bandsaw Vigilante

    ..

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

      American politics in a nutshell: a never ending “Daisy” commercial.

  • Brian

    For someone that lives in West Hollywood (you), this sure comes across as a highly close minded, potentially sexist, lead-by-the-cock opinion. Okay, so by living in West Hollywood the whole lead-by-the-cock angle fits right in, but you know the point I’m driving home.

  • otto

    I’ve known three drop-dead beautiful bi-lesbians who, for a time, each fell for women who were just not that kind of beautiful (from my vantage).

    And when the topic of their appearance came up, each said that they were “over” their own beauty. I can only imagine if you were ogled by men all the time, that sort of attention would get old.

  • Mister Quigley Jr.

    You couldn’t have saved this Twitter Bitches bait for a slower news day? This post would have them foaming at the mouth in white-knight rage.

  • TheRealBadHatHarry

    Everybody’s looking for daddy.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

    “I need to express this”

    I think I see the problem here.

    • MrRogerThornhill

      The above can’t be upvoted too many times.

  • hiyo

    Oh Jeff…

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      What’s your problem? I phrased it cautiously, respectfully. I don’t live in those tight little wooden box crates that you think people should live in.

      • hiyo

        I’m initially in agreement but it’s also sexist

        • TheRealBadHatHarry

          Reality is sexist. There are greater tragedies.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

        Maybe that was meant in a good way:

  • Bob Strauss

    The thought of Jeff as a rich, fetching, lesbian actress can never be unthought now.

  • Bite The Dust

    Sometimes your superficiality is really quite stunning….

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      Thou art full of creamy brown horse excretion. If I shared this thought at a party, you’d go “uhm, yeah” and not so much as blink. But in this forum you arch your back and get all hissy pissy. You’re a drag.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

        “If I shared this thought at a party”

        Now that’s some Luke 12:3 shit right there.

        (I only needed one more bible reference tonight for a hat trick.)

        • Hardcore Henry V

          Odds of the LGBTQ community reaching out to Wells to attend an official function or ceremony 3:16 (John, that is).

          (Happy to play Gretzky to your Messier here; a HE friend in need is a friend indeed).

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

            Those aren’t bad odds. Personally I’d put them more at 23:1, or even 29:1. But I’d be willing to go as low as 10:25.

            Now, what the HE double hockey sticks is a Gretzky?

      • Bite The Dust

        Good that you know what everybody thinks and how everybody acts, makes life much easier, doesn’t it?

      • senecafalls

        If you shared this shit at a party I’d probably punch you in the face.

      • Kenneth

        You must be fun at parties.

        Sorry I meant a douche, you must be a douche at parties.

  • cyanic

    What you described is why I envy lesbians. They pair off regardless of one person’s attractiveness compared to the other. While gay men fantasize, want, and wait for someone more or less similar to themselves or higher. This is so because men are visual while women are emotional.

    • Hardcore Henry V

      Uh…really??

      So odd how you seem so comfortable generalizing about that group when you yourself are gay.

      Anyway, I’d imagine the ratio of people who prioritize emotional fulfillment over more superficial means is roughly the same for any orientation. Aesthetic tastes, however, vary wildly — always have, always will.

      But, no, there’s nothing inherently “enviable” about getting hard for a man (or wet for a woman). It’s pure biology.

      Gimme a break.

    • AlbaVarden

      There’s no sex though. Lesbians seem to like cuddling. That’s why a lot of asexual women become lesbians, less pressure to do anything sexually.

  • Brad

    Bisexual is not an identity, just a confusion

    • Hardcore Henry V

      What are they confused about?

      If someone’s gotten aroused as a result of a person of the same gender and the opposite gender, that is — speaking very technically — a person that is bisexual (of course, very few people are comfortable using this definition, let alone are honest, or even consciously aware of it).

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

        2018 SAYS….

        The term “bisexual” reinforces an oppressive gender binary. To avoid this, the preferred nomenclature is “omnisexual.”

  • Hardcore Henry V

    “I need to express this carefully but honestly…”

    Welp, so much for THAT. Anyway, sexuality is infinitely complex, so your “if I were a lezzy” rant is pretty silly. If that were the case, you’d be a different person, so who’s to say?

    I also really don’t understand your increasing desire with needing to find a consensus — this seems to apply across all aesthetic levels, too (see also: your Oscar obsession, grain, aspect ratios, waitresses being aware of The Hurt Locker, etc.). Life would be boring if everything were the same.

    I mean, if everyone had the same tastes as you, then there would be an immediate shortage of available women with feet shaped and maintained to look like that of a (male) Roman soldier, and where’s the fun in THAT??

  • John

    Curiouser and curiouser, it’s like we’re given a set of tools and no instruction manual, yet we have to somehow build a satisfying human relationship and make it work….I have better luck with my cat.

  • Pete Miesel

    All this column is missing is some lame ass “makes it harder to ask them if I can watch” joke.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCrSVkrZZoM Mr. Sunset Terra Cotta

      You mean like, “Is that a column in your pocket or are you just happy to ask me?”

  • Bob Loblaw Lobs Law Bomb

    This is the samurai warrior poetry that I come to this site for.

  • Chelsea

    Men are so fragile. Jeff, I have never seen a more insecure piece of writing in my entire life. What terrifies you so much about the fact that conventionally, feminine women can be attracted to a butch women? What scares you that these women genuinly find butch women HOT and that they aren’t just settling. I find that whenever anyone lashes out in insecurity (like you have done here) its because they fear they are being replaced. Is it because you fear women will no longer need you? Do you fear women might start to see what is possible for them sexually, and they might *actually* ask you to start attending to their needs? Evolution is a funny thing, but no one ever gets ahead by trying to push other people down. Get with the times Jeff, you are squirming here and its really unattractive.

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      Chelsea — I’ve been doing nothing but struggle to attend to women’s needs almost all my adult life. I was selfish in my 20s but I got with the program after I hit 30 or thereabouts. Relationships work only when you decide it’s totally about her and not in the least about yourself, and even then you might get deep-sixed. I’m not squirming. I’m just honestly saying that IF I were a bi girl I would want to sleep with hot-looking honeys…that’s all. What’s so horrific about that?

  • Seannie5

    Goddamn this is some offensive shit. Not even remotely amusing or relevant and i feel sorry that his woman now will have ‘thinkpieces’ written about how some jerk film critic doesn’t think she’s attractive enough for a hot film star. Even LBGT female relationships aren’t free from ‘all women must be super attractive to warrant dating’ bullshit.

  • Devon Kirkpatrick

    Look up the male gaze. Look up standards of beauty created by a misogynistic patriarchal sexist homophobic culture (perpetuated by comments and opinions such as this). Look up the opposite of progressive. It is exactly this kind of attitude that breeds hate. That otherizes. Sure, you might not find masculine women attractive. But to deem them innately “UNATTRACTIVE” – who gave you the right to decide who is or isn’t beautiful? That kind of entitlement is really poisonous in our culture. Think critically about what you’re saying, and what it says about you.

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      “Misogynistic patriarchal sexist homophobic culture”…now, that‘s a high-strung mouthful!

      • http://gammarayeye.tumblr.com ihaveasaershooder

        Your face disgusts me. I legit find it offensive.

        • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

          You have temper issues. Not my problem.

          • http://gammarayeye.tumblr.com ihaveasaershooder

            It will be if I see you on the street bitch tits

      • Ciaran August

        High strung mouthful eh?
        Do I detect a slight garnish of gas lighting?
        For someone who doesn’t appreciate the butch esthetic, you sure appear like one of us.
        “One of us….one of us.”
        Perhaps me thinks, you are disappointed that there are smoking hotties who want “mannish” women more than anyone has ever wanted you.
        I am indeed sorry about that/not at all sorry.
        Yours truly,
        Up to their eyeballs in fine, brilliant women.

    • roland1824

      Pretty amusing to think that someone who’s written about film for decades would not be familiar with male gaze and Laura Mulvey and all that jazz. And if these standards are so offensive, then mainstream cinema (and bloggers writing about it by extension) is probably just not your bag.

      • roland1824

        Oh I knew you would have read it and filed it away long ago. I meant the comment for our friend Devon above who seems to think they are enlightening you dropping “male gaze” like a freshman film student.

      • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

        I’ve read Mulvey’s essay and read about it from others until blue in the face. I get the general thrust — the whole culture does — but I’m not a p.c. brutalist. If I feel like saying or writing that this or that woman seems exceptionally fetching or tasty I’m going to damn well say that if I feel like it, and if that doesn’t meet with your approval then that’s really too bad.

    • http://www.jessecrall.com Jesse Crall

      HAHA you upvoted your own comment.

      • Dr. New Jersey

        Totally off topic except the up-voting your own comment thing. If yours is the only comment except for a robo-spam comment, is it morally acceptable to up-vote your own comment to keep the robo-spam comment from being highlighted at “Also at Hollywood-Elsewhere”? Asking for friend.

        • Hardcore Henry V

          “Asking for friend.”

          Yeah, suuuure you are…a ROBOT friend.

    • Brad

      I think Wells has the right to make that determination, as does anyone. It is not immoral, anymore than a person preferring a Cezanne to a Monet is a moral problem.

    • otto

      Not to pile on Devon, but I don’t think JW’s opinion of what is beautiful (or not) necessarily deserves this level of criticism. Read the Phaedrus; we’ve been wrestling with what it means to be beautiful for more than 2000 years.

  • Hallick

    This dynamic exists so hotties would be interested in the lesbian version of you in return.

  • Devon Kirkpatrick

    also: guess what. women don’t date other women to please jeffrey wells’ ideas of what is “sexy”. you’re actually irrelevant here. sorry bro.

  • http://gammarayeye.tumblr.com ihaveasaershooder

    Painfully dripping with misogyny and spastication. I would like to slap you in your face with my big dykey hand and slap you hard.

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      Wells to ihaveasaershooder: It’s not dripping with anything. It’s just a mild-mannered observation. One of the tenets of the new politically correct fascism is that there is no such thing as an unattractive or homely person. Well, that may satisfy the tenets of the new fascism, but ii doesn;t happen to be cuurate.

      • http://gammarayeye.tumblr.com ihaveasaershooder

        You Sir are an obtuse moron that I would take great pleasure in the kicking in of ones cunt.

        • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

          You’re gross and imprecise.

  • roland1824

    Since we’re already down this unsavory road, did you consider that perhaps this other gal with her is “well endowed” or whatever the female equivalent thereof, in a particular body part or skill set…?

    • http://www.hollywood-elsewhere.com/ Jeffrey Wells

      Fine.

  • Brian
  • Choriko

    lol. You have lost all relevance. You’re now just some aging creep saying boring shit that young creeps say when they first leave their mommy’s house and encounter their first lesbian couple in “the quad” at their private college. You have all this life you’ve lived and yet, absolutely no emotional or sexual maturity to show for it. Hahaha, you’re a clown and your words are trash. Also your opinion adds absolutely zero anything to anything. Why are you even a thing? Shoo, fly!

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  • SorryNotSorry

    Nobody asked you, you scumbag.

  • http://www.directactioneverywhere.com/ Kelly Atlas

    … are you freaking kidding me?